


Life Status: Restart_

by antimiya88



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Eventual Romance, Family Issues, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-06-15 12:31:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 62,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15412974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antimiya88/pseuds/antimiya88
Summary: Sho is someone who has succeeded a lot in his life. He has a very good job that allows him to enjoy luxury. Despite that, though, he’s lonely. Apart from his good friend Jun, there’s no one who truly cares for him. He tries to convince himself that maybe it’s not meant for him, yet the sentiment of loneliness is there. One night, at his way home, he becomes the witness of someone’s beating. He takes the decision to pull at the side and see if the other is ok. Something inside him tells him to help this stranger, whoever he is, like Jun had helped him in the past. He comes across a young man. His face is pale, his thin body is covered in bruises and cuts and his hair is bleached yellow-ish. Is this unexpected encounter meant to change his life forever?





	1. Chapter 1

 

“You can leave, Jun… It’s already too late…”

 

Jun turned to look at the man who was sitting at his desk, his head lost behind the pile of papers, he had in front of him, and sighed. “And you…? You intend to sit here on your own and finish with these reports till around five in the morning?”

 

“It’s my responsibility. I will be the one to finish them…”

 

“So, you don’t trust me?” Jun said as he came closer with two cups of hot coffee. “I thought I had already won your trust, Sakurai-senpai!”

 

“Jun!” the other said, trying with difficulty not to burst into laughs. Despite his tiredness, Jun always managed to cheer him up.

 

“You were asking for it. Now, better be a good boy and let me see those stupid papers.”

 

Sho rubbed his forehead for a while not knowing what to do. In all honesty, he needed his friend’s help but on the other hand, he didn’t want to pass on the other something that was his responsibility and his task. After giving it a thought, he looked up at his friend and smiled. He knew there was no way Jun would take no for an answer. In a first glimpse, the latter looked difficult to approach but Sho knew that wasn’t the case. He had realized it since they were both at school, when Jun, despite being one year younger than him, had managed to impose himself to the group of bullies that had been making his life difficult.

 

Sho had always been an excellent student. He was someone who wanted to be at the top of his class. He had always been in competition with himself. He couldn’t be satisfied with less than perfection. That alone wouldn’t matter much but being a good student _and_ having difficulties in socializing with others made him the easy target. They would usually ask for money under the threat of destroying a paper he had prepared. All that had changed when Matsumoto Jun made his appearance one day at the back yard where he was dragged. He was small, a lot smaller than all of them, but that didn’t seem to discourage him. To both Sho’s and the bullies’ surprise, the boy knew how to use his body -and the words- and in less than five minutes, the latter ones were running away.

 

Since that day, they became good friends. Despite their differences in terms of character and ways of thinking, their friendship continued even after Sho graduated from high-school and became even stronger as they both enrolled in the department of business administration and management of Todai. It was two years ago, when fate had made them work in the same multinational company; Sho was the head of product development department while Jun was working in the promotion and sales department.

 

It was around midnight when Sho raised his hands up in the air, relieved to see all those papers ready for the upcoming presentation.

 

“I honestly don’t know what I’d do, if you weren’t here, Jun…” Sho said in a low, tired voice.

 

“That’s an easy guess. You would have slept on your papers and in the morning, you’d have to face not only an angry boss but also a stiff neck!” Jun replied, throwing his hands up in the air before he stood up from his chair. “Now, c’mon… time to leave.”

 

Sho smiled. He took his gabardine coat and his leather bag in hand and followed his friend out of his office.

 

Walking in empty, dark corridors always had an impact on Sho. It felt as if they reflected him and his life. During the day, there were people and people around him but at the end of the day, when everyone left, he would always be alone. He sighed as Jun pressed the button for the elevator to come. No comment came but Sho knew his friend had taken notice. It was one of those things he liked about Jun. He’d speak to him but also give him the space he needed. He respected him, even when his misery, as Sho had named it, came to the surface.

 

“Thank you, Jun. Honestly.” he muttered in a low voice inside the elevator, as the other pressed the button for the garage level.

 

“That’s what are friends for, Sho.” Jun said while patting softly his shoulder.

 

Sho was about to speak again when he heard Jun’s phone ringing. He knew who the caller was. He could easily tell just by looking at the way his friend’s face shone every time he spoke with his boyfriend.

 

“Hey, baby… Yes… Just finished… Are you sure? Wouldn’t that be…?”

 

Sho smiled bitterly. He was happy that his friend had found someone to love; someone who deserved to be loved and loved him back. He was sure that Jun’s boyfriend loved Jun very much from the very first time he had met him. It was the way Aiba Masaki’s eyes were sparkling with happiness as he was looking at Jun or holding his hand discreetly that made it so obvious. There was a comfort, an easiness that made their relationship this precious. Sho was genuinely happy because his friend deserved this happiness; he really was but in the same time, a small part of him felt… not envious but a little jealous… because he wished there was someone who would call him, too… who would wait for him back home even when he was super late… he wished there was someone whom could love and who could love him back.

 

In the past, he had tried a couple of times to be in a relationship but after a while, his calls would be ignored. He never accused the other party though. He knew it was entirely his fault. He had always been a shy person, not able to open up to people, the same way as his friend. He was sure that the others had reached their limits with him and left him. He wished he could be like Jun, who despite the rumor of being too strict and too demanding when it came to work, he had still managed to gain lots of new friends in their company. He wished he had his friend’s courage when it came to gaining his crush’s attention. He wished he was able to show the real, vulnerable and approachable Sho to someone who’d appreciate it…

 

“Fine. See you then, baby!” Jun was still smiling as he closed his phone and looked up at Sho who was still lost in his thoughts. “C’mon, don’t get all melancholic, Sho. I’m sure the one is out there waiting for you. You just have to surpass your comfort zone. If only you took notice how many stares you gain every time we go out for drinks…” Jun said in a lower voice and whistled playfully, seeing the shocked face of the other.

 

“Stop speaking bullshit, Jun. You know that it depends on what kind of stares someone gets… And I’m pretty sure all I get is filled-with-pity stares!”

 

“If you think that a stare at your lower back or your shoulder area is translated into a _filled-with-pity_ one, then I give up!”

 

“And here’s Matsumoto Jun exaggerating again! Anyway, you’re going to Aiba-kun’s apartment?”

 

Jun sighed but said nothing more. “Yes.”

 

“Ok, then… See you tomorrow!”

 

Sho had already open the door of his car when he felt a grip on his shoulder.

 

“I didn’t speak bullshit, as you said, Sho. I meant every word. You’re one handsome man and I’m sure you know that. The same way, you know that work and success don’t make you happy… at least, not _only_ that. You’re also very kind… you should just let yourself more open… believe in your different sides.” Sho turned around and looked straight into Jun’s eyes, making the other muffle a laugh. “You have… and they’re interesting! Believe me, Sho! You just have to make sure you let people see them. I’m sure once they’ve discovered the true Sho, they won’t want to go away.” Jun smiled at his friend. “Good night, Sho!”

 

“To you, too…” Sho muttered in a low voice. “My greetings to Aiba-kun.”

 

Jun nodded and entered his car. Sho didn’t move; he stayed at the same spot, his eyes following the car of his friend as the latter was driving away. Of course, the other could read him… Sighing, he entered in his car and looked at the steering wheel blankly. Everything inside was the definition of luxury. The same way his apartment was the definition of luxury. _Luxury…_ Sho smiled bitterly. Why to him the word that represented everything in his life better was emptiness and not luxury? _“The same way, you know that work and success don’t make you happy…”_ Jun’s words kept replaying in his mind. He did know it but could he really change that reality of his? Sometimes, he thought, love and happiness just weren’t meant for him.

 

***

 

The light was red, making Sho curse under his breath. He wanted to go home and relax with the help of a warm bath, his body desperately needed it; his mind also needed it. His leg was already slightly pressing on the accelerator. The light turned green and Sho was ready to accelerate when he heard a loud, painful scream coming from the bushes next to the pavement a couple of meters away. Seconds later, he saw a group of three men running fast towards the opposite direction, holding something that looked like a bag. _Gang…_ Sho thought immediately. He was left staring at the dark side of the bushes. He couldn’t see anyone… Was the person they had hit alright? Could he just ignore it and leave? He sighed. If he did, then it would be as if Jun had never stood up for him.

 

He pulled the car to the side of the road and got out. He looked around to be sure that no one was there to follow him, even though at this hour, it would be doubtful, and headed to the bushes. Moans of pain reached his ears. As he came closer, he managed to distinguish the figure of a relatively small-figured, young man, curled up on the ground. He had bruises all over his face and cuts. He was badly hit. Carefully, not to scare the other, Sho kneeled in front of him.

 

“Hey…” Sho muttered not knowing whether the other was at a state to listen to him or not. No answer came from the other. “Hey, are you alright?” He decided to turn him slowly to see him better. He could see how the man winced from pain, as he did so. “Can you hear me, Sir?”

 

It was then that something that resembled a chuckle reached Sho’s ears. He looked closer and realized the other was looking at him. “I… no one… has… ca…lled me… s… sir… be… fore…” the syllables were spoken with difficulty, almost like a whisper but they were enough to make Sho sigh in relief.

 

“Can you stand up? I will drive you to the hospit-”

 

Sho didn’t have the chance to finish his word.

 

“NO!” the other yelled with as much power as there was left in him, his eyes looking pleadingly at Sho. “Please, no hospi… tal…”

 

Sho was about to ask him why but it was already late. The young man had fainted. Sho looked around him but there was no one. He turned his gaze back to the other, his eyes locking on his closed ones. The plea he had seen being reflected in them had a weird impact on him… as if he couldn’t do differently.

 

He sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I guess I have no other choice…” he muttered under his breath as he tried to pick up the stranger. To his surprise, the other was light, a lot lighter than Sho had expected. “Are you even feeding yourself properly?!”

 

He put him into the back seat of his car and drove home. Once he had the car in his garage, he picked up the unconscious man and placed him on the bed of the guest room. His doctor would arrive in any minute, as he had contacted him the moment he started driving home. Sho tried to talk to him but the other wouldn’t give any sign of regaining his consciousness.

 

Now, that he could see him from close-up, he could detect bruises all over the thin arms; some of them being fresh while some others were already healing, sign that they had been there a lot longer than that night. Sho sighed as he moved his eyes up to the young man’s face. Sho couldn’t say his age with certainty. He looked young; probably around 20-21 years old but there was something in the other’s looks that didn’t radiate youthfulness. His face was pale, his bleached yellow hair, making it look even worse. His characteristics were soft and Sho could even call him cute, if it wasn’t for the state he was found in.

 

_Who are you and why do you allow people to treat you like this?!_ Sho found himself thinking his bell was heard ringing. He hurried to open the door.

 

“I’m sorry to call you this late, Matsuyama-sensei, but it was an emergency.” he mumbled, being aware of the hour he had called the other to come.

 

“Where is he?” the doctor asked with a reassuring smile.

 

“In the guest-room, from here…” Sho replied making the way.

 

“Help me to take his clothes off. I need to see, if he has any wounds or bruises and how deep they are.” The doctor asked.

 

For more than fifteen minutes, Sho was watching the doctor examining the still-unconscious stranger. Sho couldn’t help gasping when he saw how many marks there were all over his torso and thin thighs and legs.  But that wasn’t all. The other also had something that looked like a badly-made tattoo or at least, something that _used_ to be a tattoo on his left chest.

 

“With the injection I did, he’ll be alright. It will minimize the pain and allow him to sleep. Luckily, there were no major injuries, or I’d have him sent to a hospital.” Matsuyama-sensei said as he got out of the room. “But he needs lots of fluids and the medicine I’m going to prescribe one twice a day. In addition, his wound on the lower back will need disinfection on a regular basis at least for a couple of days. It will depend on how much redness there will be.”

 

“Will he be able to walk when he wakes up?” Sho asked, still trying to remember everything the doctor had just told him.

 

“I’d suggest he stays in the bed at least the swelling of his ankle calms down. He has to be careful if he doesn’t want to have a permanent issue. From the examination, I suspect that it’s not the first time it has happened. It must already be very sensitive. What is certain, is that he must not put any weight on it. So, no walking.”

 

Sho frowned. Did that mean that he had to keep the stranger in his house? He was confused.

 

“Sakurai-san. I understand that you wanted to help him and you did the right thing but… you should be careful. That’s my advice.” the doctor told Sho kindly, probably recognizing the agony in his eyes.

 

“I know that. Don’t worry. I just couldn’t leave him beaten like that… I guess, I’ll have a taxi take him to his house, once he’s able to walk. Thank you once again for coming here at this hour.”

 

“It’s my duty, Sakurai-san. Good night.”

 

“Good night, Matsuyama-sensei.”

 

Sho closed the door and leaned against it sighing deeply. Before going to take a shower and sleep, he went to check on the man who was, now, sleeping peacefully, looking a lot better after the injection the doctor had given him. He saw with the corner of his eye, the other’s clothes scattered on the floor. He took them in hand to fold them. There were traces of blood and dirt on them, apart from some holes probably because of the earlier fight. He searched for something that could give him a clue over the stranger that lying on the bed a few meters away from him in vain. There was no id card on him; nothing. Sho knew he had to be careful. The other was someone who clearly had some serious issues going on in his life. Getting involved with him could cause him serious trouble, as well.

 

His eyes fell on the small figure as the same question rose onto his mind again. _Why?_ For some reason, that even Sho couldn’t apprehend fully, he wanted to get some answers…

 

“I guess I’ll talk to him in the morning…” he mumbled to himself as he closed the door of the guest-room as silently as possible.

 

After a quick shower and a cup of instant ramen, Sho decided to go to bed. It had been a tiring day and tomorrow there was an equally tiring day waiting him ahead. He had to get up early in the morning and with this small unexpected meeting, he had already lost a few hours of sleep. His eyes closed the moment his head landed on his pillow.

 

It was a couple of hours later that Sho woke up. He was feeling too hot. He got up in the darkness and headed to the kitchen to drink some water. His eyes fell on the half-opened door of the guest-room. Trying not to make too much noise, he walked in and looked at the figure who was sleeping in the king-size bed. He looked almost tiny in there. Without thinking much, Sho came closer and looked at the other. There was a small frown, probably because of the pain. He felt his heart clenching at the sight. Like this the stranger looked vulnerable… weak… A deep sigh left the back of his throat, as his eyes moved lower to the slim torso. The man was so thin that his ribs could be seen clearly but that wasn’t what bothered Sho. There were so many marks on the pale skin… he could tell that some of them were bruises, some older and some fresher, but some of them were cuts… not too deep but cuts. _Are you doing that to yourself and if yes, why?_

A painful moan reached Sho’s ears followed by the sound of ruffling sheets. The other was still deep asleep, the doctor had informed Sho that with that shot he would sleep for many hours, up to 12, but somehow the moves showed that he was in pain. Sho hurried to the bathroom located in the room and came out with a wet towel in hands. He placed it on top of the stranger’s forehead, causing him to calm down a bit. Sho sighed again. He had no idea who the other was or what he was getting himself into but at that moment, all that he cared, was to see him sleep peacefully. The questions were many but he knew he had to wait.

 

***

 

When Sho left his apartment the next morning, the stranger was still asleep. He didn’t feel at ease with the idea of leaving him alone in his apartment. Though, he knew that uneasiness wasn’t because he was afraid of stealing but more because he was worried about the other’s state. Would he be ok all by himself? He was pretty sure the other would be asleep the whole time but still, he would be on his own. He entered in his office, holding the pills the doctor had prescribed last night. He had bought them on his way to his work. For some reason, the sight of the weak body of the other kept hunting his mind. He was so lost in his thoughts that hadn’t taken notice of Jun who was standing only a few centimeters away.

 

“Sho, is everything ok?” Sho didn’t reply; he hadn’t heard his friend. “Sho?” Jun repeated, this time louder.

 

Sho only realized, he was not alone, when the pills were taken from him. “What is this? Are you ill? And you came to work? Are you an idiot?” Jun continued without allowing Sho to speak. “I knew this would happen since you push yourself this much and yet you are here. Do you want to-”

 

“They’re not for me.” Sho mumbled avoiding Jun’s gaze who had now turned confused and curious.

 

“They’re for whom, then?”

 

“I speak the tru-”

 

“Sho, cut the shit. Don’t try to find stupid excus-”

 

“I don’t. Jun, really, they’re not for me. I… someone needs them.”

 

“Who is this someone? And, where is he?”

 

“In my apartment, he’s sleeping. As for who he is… I honestly have no idea.”

 

Jun couldn’t believe his ears. “Wh… what?”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

“You brought someone to your apartment? And you left him there? You? And on top of that… a complete stranger? Sho, are you kidding me?” Jun was finding hard to believe it. Was Sho this drink the previous night that he ended up with a stranger on his bed? “You…” he looked at the other frowning. “…want to tell me that you had a one-night stand? And if you had a one-night stand, why is this person _still_ in your apartment and you’re gone? It’s you who told me that you have no idea who he is! Sho, are you out of your mind?”

 

Sho rubbed his forehead, knowing he couldn’t escape from his friend. “No… not like this. He…” his voice faded out as he tried to find the best way to continue. “As I was driving home, at one of the lights near the park, I saw some people running away as fast as possible. I was about to leave when I heard moans of pain. Someone was beaten. I don’t know why but I pulled by at the side of the road and went to see what was going on. I came across a small-figured guy, around 20 years old, if I judge correctly, in a very bad state. I… I couldn’t leave him there, though… not when he fell unconscious, covered as he was with bruises. I don’t know why but at that moment, you flashed in my mind… back at school when you appeared out of nowhere and helped me. I don’t know why but I felt I had to do the same. At least, I couldn’t get up and drive away knowing that he would be there in the middle of nowhere being like this.”

 

“So, you brought him to your apartment?”

 

“My first thought was to bring him to the hospital but he didn’t want to go the hospital. He had panicked just before he lost his senses. Later, I understood that it could lead to trouble.”

 

Jun raised an eyebrow. “And why that?”

 

“As it was proven later, he had no papers with him. So…”

 

“So, it would raise questions.” Jun finished Sho’s sentence for him.

 

“Yes.” Sho replied defeated with his head hanging low. “Look, Jun, I’m not stupid. I know that I may have put myself in trouble. Most probably, the ones who beat him up are members of a gang… They looked like it. I believe he _is_ in trouble. I know all that… but…” he looked up at his friend. “I just _couldn’t_ leave him.”

 

Jun sighed. “I don’t say that you did the wrong thing but… you should have woken him up first thing this morning and-”

 

“The doctor that came last night gave him a strong injection for pain relief along with a small dose of antibiotics, so that any infections would be prevented. He was sleeping and he should be sleeping the whole day, today. Besides, he can’t walk. His ankle is badly swollen and strained. The doctor was clear that he shouldn’t put weight on his foot like that.”

 

“You should be careful, Sho.” Jun whispered as he came closer to the other and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You said that you know nothing about him. There may be people looking for him or, even worse, he may work for people no one would ever wish to come across…”

 

“I know...” Sho sighed before he continued turning his gaze to his friend. “…which is why I was careful with my moves but I didn’t notice anything. Last night, I only pulled by when I was sure the ones who beat him were out of sight and there was no one following us. The streets were empty. I would have taken notice. And this morning, nothing alarming, as well.”

 

Jun was still thoughtful. “I really hope so, Sho.”

 

“You should go to your office, now, Jun. It’s already time to start working! Today, it’s the meeting. Remember?”

 

“Yes, ok!” Jun walked towards the door before slowing down and turning to the other. “See you at lunch?” he asked with a smile, for the first time that morning.

 

Sho smiled back at him. “Of course. Good luck!”

 

“Thank you! To you, too, with those reports!”

 

Sho sighed somehow relieved once the door was closed. He had decided to speak to Jun during lunch break but then, how could he pass unnoticed? It was Matsumoto Jun the one in question; able to see the slightest discomfort in him. His friend, many times, would be critical… but this time, he didn’t judge him. He knew it was impulsive to do what he did and certainly dangerous, but despite all that, Sho felt good with his conscience. He was doing the right thing and Jun had accepted that.

 

Half-an-hour had passed by and his mind had been stuck to the small-figured guy who was lying down on the bed of his guest-room. He hurried to the kitchen of his floor to make a large cup of coffee and returned straight back to his office. He couldn’t let another minute pass with him thinking about that man. At least, not when he had so much work to do.

 

He took a large sip of coffee before he opened his excel and access programs on his pc. “C’mon, Sho, let’s focus on work!”

 

***

 

It was almost eight o’clock in the evening when Sho arrived at home. Under other circumstances, he’d call himself even lucky that he had managed to arrive, at this hour, but that night was different. There was someone else in there, and Sho couldn’t be sure how this someone was. What if he had woken up and needed him? He sighed deeply as he pressed the button of his floor in the elevator.

 

Jun hadn’t brought up the matter of the stranger during lunchbreak, probably sensing Sho’s discomfort, and the latter couldn’t have been more grateful for that. In all honesty, he didn’t have any answers.

 

His heart had started beating a little faster as he opened the door. His apartment was pitch dark. He looked around and noticed nothing different. Without taking any of his clothes off, he went to see if the other was still there. The door of the guest room was open, exactly like Sho had left it in the morning before he left. The figure on the bed was also still there, now, turned on one side. Sho came closer to check up on him. He did look better, having gained back some of his color. A smile lit up Sho’s face.

 

“I guess I first have to disinfect the wounds like the doctor said.” Sho muttered to himself, as his eyes fell on the other’s cuts and bruises.

 

Fifteen minutes later, after a quick shower, he was back in the guest-room. He sat at the side of the bed and pushed the covers a little lower to reveal the slim torso. The bruises were still there, but this time, there was no grimace on the other’s face as he brushed them with the clean towel and the anti-infective solution, proof that they weren’t hurting as much as the previous night and slowly healing. Sho, then, looked at the ankle. He placed some new ice for several minutes before he put it back under the covers.

 

The man wasn’t hot like during the previous night when he had put a wet cloth on the stranger’s forehead but Sho thought it would be good to wet his face. At least, it would be refreshing and so did he. Sho didn’t know, if he expected anything but with all certainty, what he couldn’t have expected was to feel the other’s hand on top of his, once he had placed a cool towel on top of his forehead; as if the young man was forbidding him to take it away. It was obvious that it was a reflex, as the other was still deeply asleep. But in the same time, it felt real. The touch was soft but also kind of desperate…? Sho thought so. Was the other in need of human touch? Care? Sho’s lips curved into a sad smile. Unconsciously, he brought his free hand on top of the man’s one. It was small, almost like a child’s. Sho wasn’t someone who was at ease when being close to people, at least, to those who didn’t know well. Yet, sitting like this, holding this man’s hand felt almost… natural.

 

Without realizing it, he brought the free hand to the bleached hair that had fallen on the forehead and eyes and secured it behind the left ear. Like this, he could look at the man’s face clearly. Involuntarily, Sho’s eyes followed every corner, every curve. It was the first time he was looking at the other from this close. _Beautiful…_ was the word that Sho could use to describe him. Strange as it was, Sho could easily spend hours just looking at him. His hand came to trace a small mark on the right cheek, close to the jawline, before it moved up to the hair. It felt rather rough against the skin of his palm as he brushed it with his hand feather-like, Sho’s eyes following the movement of his hands.

 

“You need to feel that someone’s here for you, don’t you?” Sho whispered under his breath and felt his heart beating a little faster as he felt the other relaxing completely under these small ministrations of his. As if his voice and touch were soothing to him. That small gesture though showed to Sho that his instinct had been right. The man, whoever he was, wasn’t a bad guy. He may be afraid, feel lonely… be in need of help but he wasn’t a bad guy.

 

Sho stayed with him for another thirty minutes before he left him alone to sleep. Once in the living room, he picked up the phone to call the doctor. The other hadn’t shown any signs of waking up yet and he needed to be sure.

 

“Yes, Matsuyama-sensei? It’s Sakurai Sho. Yes, everything’s fine. It’s just that he still hasn’t woken up. Should I wait or try to wake him up at some point?” Sho’s eyes were staring at the guest-room as he spoke with the doctor. “Ah… Is that so?! So, I have to wait a little more. Yes. Yes. I understood. Thank you, Matsuyama-sensei and excuse me, once again, for bothering you this late. Have a good night, doctor. Thank you, bye.”

 

_I guess I have to wait a little longer…_

 

After his usual dinner of instant ramen, Sho opened his pc and started working. He usually tried not to work at home, as well, but this time, he needed to stay awake. The 24 hours would end in the early morning hours. In case the man did not wake up alone till then, Sho had to try to do it himself for him.

 

He was finishing his second coffee when he realized it was already 1 am. “I guess I’ll need a third one…” he whispered to himself while rubbing his forehead to ease the small headache that seemed to linger on him. It had been a hectic week and with everything, Sho had lost even more hours of sleep. “At least, this time, I don’t have to wake up too early!” It was Saturday so there was no need for him to wake up at 6 am in the morning like in the working days.

 

With a low groan he got up and headed to the kitchen. He still didn’t know what he’d do when the other woke up. Should he go with the other man’s pace? Should he demand some answers? Should he talk to him casually? Or should he not talk to him at all? And if he did so and the other wanted to leave as soon as he had gained back his senses? Should he allow him or make him stay until the injury at his leg was better healed?

_I should let him go… No one would wish to stay in a complete stranger’s apartment, right?_

 

For some reason, though, this last option, which undoubtedly was the most probable one, made Sho frown. He had many questions and as the time passed by, they were increasing even more. It was obvious that the other needed help… he had sought for his touch… for contact… That simple touch of his hand had triggered Sho, making him want to offer this help the other needed even more. His eyes remained locked on his hand that was cupped by the stranger’s small one earlier. A deep sigh left the back of his throat. “Am I overthinking about it?” he whispered to himself, deep inside knowing that he actually did.

 

Wasn’t it weird? To have passed so many hours thinking about someone he didn’t know? _It is…_ Sho thought but also couldn’t help doing differently. That man, even at that state, had somehow managed to lower some of Sho’s defensive walls. Mechanically, he took his refilled-with-coffee cup and went back to the pc in the living room.

 

He managed to work for around one hour when the numbers on his pc screen seemed to move around as if they were dancing. His coffee was left almost untouched on the table next to the pc. Sho let his head lean against the head of the sofa behind him, his eyes turning heavy. He didn’t know what time it was but he knew, despite his will, he couldn’t remain awake any longer. The last thing, he did, still not completely asleep, was to close his computer and lie down on the sofa. At least, that way, if the other woke up on his own, he’d hear him.

 

At some point, Sho frowned in his sleep. He still was not fully awake but he could tell he was feeling hot. It was weird. He didn’t feel as if he was thirsty. He was feeling hot but… in a different way. Why was he feeling like this?! It was only after a couple of minutes, when he was a bit more awake, that he realized he didn’t only feel hot but could also feel something… heavy… on him… giving him sensations that could only be described as…

 

He opened his eyes horrified only to be met by the smirking face of the stranger, that was supposed to be sleeping in the guest-room, a few centimeters above his. Sho was perplexed. Was this happening for real or was it his imagination? He frowned. His mind was desperately trying to find the answer… any answer but it seemed impossible. At some point, feeling a little more awake, he managed to sit up a little bit. He was about to ask the unknown man what was going on when a small finger was placed on top of his lips hushing him before he even had the chance to let a single sound out. Sho’s eyes searched to find something into the other’s that were staring back at him. He couldn’t put into words what they were reflecting… as if the other was wearing a mask.

 

Sho was still trying to comprehend what was happening when he saw the young man move his body lower on him, his thin hands, now, being, on Sho’s sweatpants. They moved a little lower brushing Sho’s crotch over the fabric. The touch was feather-like but it still worked. Sho frowned, his eyes bulging. He tried to escape once again but the weight of the other’s body was blocking him. With disbelief, he saw the other lowering the sweatpants in one go along with his briefs, leaving him completely exposed. The stranger’s face was right above Sho’s member which under the feather-like ministrations had been slowly awakened. Sho, still a little lost in a state between being asleep and awake, felt his heart beating faster than ever. He looked at the other with a frown. This was surreal. It couldn’t be happening, _right_?

 

The last thing Sho managed to see was the small-figured man opening his mouth, the smirk never leaving his face, as he lowered his head. Their eyes met for only a second. From the way, Sho felt the man’s gaze on him, it was as if the other was challenging him. Unexpectedly, there was a flick on the tip of his, now, erected member caused by something hot and slick. Sho couldn’t handle it any longer. His head felt backwards, the friction and hotness around his cock in combination with hard sucks and licks, leaving him no power to push the other away or, at least, room to think a bit clearly. His eyes rolled back and a moan escaped from the back of his throat. His hands gripped the sofa as his member was engulfed from the base, its tip hitting the back of the man’s throat in a fast rhythm. He had no control; he was in the other’s mercy. The sensations were overwhelming. But despite being lost in the pleasure, his body was so unexpectedly receiving, he was still feeling awful. He didn’t want this. He felt used. The other had no right to touch him… not like this… His mind was a mess; the contradictive emotions being overwhelming in him. He could feel his body trembling from the sensations and his eyes being filled with tears; tears of anger, of desperation, of confusion. It was too much, his brain clouded with numerous things but even like that Sho was still trying to figure out what exactly was happening. And above all… _why_?!

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

Once the intensity went down, he managed to blink and look around the living room realizing he was on his own. He could hear his pulse in his ears, his chest moving up and down from panting. _Could it be that…?_ He didn’t have to question it though… not when he could feel it. Ashamed of himself, he looked lower. The stained par of trousers and the stickiness he could feel between his legs was leaving no doubt of what had just happened. Sho let his head fall back on the sofa. He was still there with his pc open in front of him and his coffee untouched next to it, obviously fallen asleep.

 

His mind was still trying to comprehend what had just happened. Yes. It had been too many months without a physical touch but was that a reason to be like a teenager who cannot hold his hormones and cum in his clothes because of a dream? He was in his thirties for God’s sake. He’d usually get a quick relief during his night shower when it felt unbearable… he had never experienced something like that; at least not since he was seventeen. He pressed his eyes closed. Was it because of him? But even if it was… why?! _How can you dirty him in your mind like this? Damn it!_ The more minutes were passing by, the more Sho felt anger grow in him; anger and frustration.

 

He checked the clock on the wall to see what time it is. _6:45 in the morning?!_ He ran to his bedroom to shower away his shame. Ten minutes later, and once he made sure he looked decent again, he got out of his room to search for the other. He’d lie if he said, he didn’t feel nervous but he could deal with himself later. The most important was if the man was awake or not. He checked the guest room but there was no one inside. He frowned. _So, he’s awake?_ Sho bit his lower lip, shaking his head fast as if that would help him get rid of such thoughts. _I’d have heard something… I’d have woken up…_ A deep sigh escaped from his lips.  

 

He knocked on the bathroom door inside the guest room before opening it slowly, again nothing. _Has he already left? But there’s no way he could-_ His thoughts were interrupted by a loud bang, followed by a muffled painful moan. “That’s coming from…” He rushed to the small entrance hall and switched the lights on.  His eyes caught a glimpse of the small-figured man, dressed back in his ripped clothes, having fallen on the floor right next to the door of his apartment, his one hand holding his swollen ankle and with the other trying to reach the doorknob; his face contracted from the intense pain he must have been feeling.

 

Sho felt his blood rising, forgetting all the nervousness at once. Did the other want to hurt himself? Before he could control himself, he came closer to the man, took a hold of him by the armpits and turned him around so that the latter could look him in the eye. “What the hell are you doing?”

 

The other, after a few seconds of clear shock, found back his composure, staring back at Sho with an unreadable gaze. “That’s _my_ business, mister.”

 

“As long as you’re in my house, it’s not just _your_ business!” his voice louder than he expected. He couldn’t help it. There was an apathy and an audacity in the other’s tone that was almost challenging.

 

The man said nothing for several minutes.

 

“Hmmm… I’m wondering… Are you angry because you woke up realizing that it was only a dream or because your dream didn’t last much? Or is it both?!” the other was speaking in a sarcastic tone.

 

Sho gasped. So, his shame wasn’t only his? Did that mean that the other heard him and seen him?

 

“What? Cat got your tongue?” the man asked, his mocking smirk having grown bigger. “Look. Whatever the reason for these nerves of yours might be, it’s not my fault. If you finished in a record -even for horny teens- time, it’s only yours!” The small-figured man replied ironically, after a while, his eyes locked into Sho’s wide ones.

 

“Wh… what?” Sho felt losing the ground under his feet, staring at the other blankly with his mouth agape, unable to form a concrete sentence. He lowered his eyes, not being in position to meet the other’s challenging, in a way, gaze any longer. The man in front of him was provocative, ironic… not afraid of showing him his desire to mock him openly.

 

“If only you could look at yourself… moaning out loud like some bitch in heat, thrusting your hips up in the air desperate to get some friction… poor guy…! Look. I get it in a way. Overworking… sexually deprived… lonely… Pitiful. But no matter how pitiful you may be, there’s no way I’m staying here! If an accidental touch of mine during your sleep caused… _that_ , I don’t _dare_ to imagine what might happen in a different situation and I’m not interested in finding out either.”

 

_Accidental touch?_ The last phrase clicked in Sho’s mind. “What… what do you mean?”

 

The stranger, for several seconds, kept staring at Sho with the same cheeky smirk written all over his face. It felt as if he challenged Sho to do, say something he might regret so that he could use it against him. At some point, he raised an eyebrow, not afraid of the intense eye contact. “I mean… I kind of brushed over your crotch once, when you decided to move in your sleep without warning!” There it was again; the same attitude.

 

“You…?” Sho asked in a tiny voice, feeling even more ashamed. So, had this happened _because_ of the other? And had his subconscious to torture him like that? He gulped.

 

“I admit it took me by surprise that me searching in your trousers’ pockets would result to you moaning but it’s not my fault! I needed to find your damn keys!” _Of course, the keys…_ Sho thought realizing that the keys were on the door.

 

“I’m sorry…” Sho mumbled, as he was still holding the stranger by his arms. He wasn’t sorry only for being caught but for thinking of the other the way he had... for everything. “I _am_ pitiful… no doubt about it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t have put it better but would you-” he didn’t have the chance to finish his words when the other spoke again, this time leaning closer.

 

“Not that you’re not handsome or anything, mister,” the other continued in the same tone “but I’m not interested.”

 

“What?” The other had got the businessman once again lost. _Not interested in what?_ Involuntarily, Sho’s eyes focused on the other’s lips that had curved into a smirk.

 

The smirk turned wider as the man tilted his head on one side. “I _know_ that I’m cute and I guess that’s what you thought when you saw me in order to bring me here but unfortunately you got the wrong person. Others may be willing to do many things… It’s not like every day that you find a cow to milk, and what is more a young one,” the other remarked as he roamed his eyes on Sho from head to toe right before he focused back to Sho’s face “…but those others aren’t like me. I’d suggest you get rid of any sick ideas might have crawled up in your mind. I may be many things but certainly not as pitiful as you! Got me?”

 

“What the hell do you imply?” Sho asked again, this time, his voice firm, his eyes narrowed. The grip on the man’s arms had also tightened but the latter didn’t even flinch, as if there was no touch at all.

 

The other frowned, losing the smirk Sho hated so much. “You don’t know? Do you really think that I don’t know how rich people like you think? You believe you own anyone _you_ have decided that they’re in your need. Not having any photos in your apartment, had me suspicious that you are a lonely wolf… after your small accident earlier, I knew I was right. Tell me… Did you fantasize me going down on you?” Sho sighed when he saw the other brushing his lower lip with his tongue tantalizingly.

 

“Stop it.” he said in a way that made the other gasp.

 

“Why? Truth hurts?” the other said in an accusing way. Sho could see his eyes glittering from angry tears that threatened to fall. “Or is it that you wish you could fuck me right against the so-”

 

“I said STOP IT!” Sho said louder this time. He was angry; very angry… from the very first moment the man had started talking. He didn’t like the way the man was talking; not so much because he was accusing him but because a small part of those accusations wasn’t exactly without a base even if it was only his imagination tricking him, probably because of all the events. He took a deep breath before he spoke again, not loud this time. “I didn’t help you because I wanted you to pay me back… in any way…  or whatever it is you may have thought of. You may be convinced about it but I will disappoint you. I did it because I couldn’t leave you there in that state. Simple as that!” Sho did speak the truth.

 

“So, what? You’re saying that you did it out of pity? Did you pity me?” the stranger also sounded angry. “Again, you chose the wrong person, Mr. Want-to-play-the-hero! I don’t _want_ your pity! I don’t need it!”

 

“No.” Sho replied sharply. “I didn’t do it because I felt pity for you. I did it because someone else had done that for me many years ago… because I used to be like you; scared yet proud to ask for help.”

 

“Bullshit!” The other snapped angrily at Sho, pushing the latter away with a surprising force. “You fucking know nothing about me. Are you listening to me? Nothing! I didn’t ask for your help! I don’t _want_ yours or anyone’s help! Now, if you wish to play the role of the good Samaritan because you feel you owe it to this friend of yours or to the past or I don’t know what, I fucking don’t care! Go and choose someone else! It has nothing to do with me! Nothing!” He was about to turn around and leave but, once again, his foot wouldn’t allow him to, causing him too much pain. He almost fell on the floor if it wasn’t for Sho to catch him in time.

 

“You’re right…” Sho replied in a calmer tone, this time, his arms holding the other securely. “I don’t know anything about you. I thought you may be proud but, now, I can tell that above everything you’re stubborn.”

 

“I will pay you. Tell me how much you have spent on the doc and medicine and I swear, one day, I will pay you. What I hate the most is to be indebted!”

 

 “The doctor told me that you shouldn’t put weight on your leg until the swelling goes down or you’ll face more serious problems. So, I’d suggest you follow his advice and do that. The same goes with the pills that he wrote as a prescription.”

 

“But I-”

 

Sho didn’t wait for the other to finish. He picked him up the same way he had last night and brought him back to the guest room.

 

“What the…?”

 

He placed him on the bed and went to bring some clean clothes from his wardrobe. He went back to the guest-room and to his surprise, the other was still there. He hadn’t moved an inch, probably out of shock, exactly like he hadn’t shown any trace of defense the moment he was carried to the room.

 

Sho threw him the clothes. “You can go in there and have a shower. I believe you can alone, by hoping on one foot and leaning against the wall. And please, do me a favor and take off these clothes. They’re ripped and covered in dirt and blood.” No reply came. Sho was about to open the door and leave the man alone when he stopped and turned around to look at him. “And don’t worry. Even if I’m _pitiful_ and _sexually deprived_ , to use your words, I’m still not fond of forcing anyone! I’m not fond of sleeping with people I’m not emotionally attached with either. Because likewise… you know _nothing_ about me!”

 

The small-figured man was looking at Sho with a surprised look portrayed on his face. It was obvious that he hadn’t expected that. Without waiting for an answer, Sho closed the door and leaned against it, before letting out a deep sigh. His head was a mess. He had expected many things when the other woke up but this…? Never. This was surreal… Everything was surreal… The other had been attacking him like an injured, scared animal. He had caught the moments the other looked back at him, with a small frown, right before it was being replaced by a smirk, obviously fake. Sho wanted to ask the other why. That why applied to many things… Why were you hit like this? Why are you allowing people to treat you like this? Why didn’t you want me to help you? Why didn’t you want to go to the hospital?  Why are you speaking like this? Why are you attacking everyone trying to come closer? Why are you running away?

 

As he went to the kitchen to prepare a tea to calm down a bit, he couldn’t stop thinking about the pain he could see in the other’s gaze. The other had tried his best to cover it behind the mask of cheekiness and audacity but Sho could see deeper… The pain was there, the cry for help was there and for some reason, despite everything, he still felt as if this cry was destined to him.

 

\---

 

Half-an-hour later, Sho knocked on the guest room door. No reply came. He opened it slowly to find no one. He frowned. _Did he leave…?_ He was about to get out when he saw with the corner of his eye the dirty clothes of the other placed on the chair at the corner of the room and heard the door of the bathroom open.

 

The other had indeed taken a shower and was wearing the clothes Sho had given him. They were a bit too buggy for him but at least, they were clean. The small-figured man was hoping on one foot but stopped when he realized that Sho was there, staring at him.

 

“What, now?” the other asked angrily or more correctly, defensively. “You changed your mind?”

 

It took a couple of seconds for Sho to get what the other implied. “No. Don’t worry. I haven’t and I won’t. I just wanted to tell you that I’ll be out.” Sho told him knowing he couldn’t stay in his apartment any longer; not after everything that had happened. He needed space to think clearly. “You can open the fridge and eat anything you want.”

 

“I don’t-”

 

“You’re free to go if you want it this much.” Sho continued in the same calm tone.

 

“But?” the other said. “Because I can tell there’s a but coming…”

 

Sho chuckled. “ _But_ I’d appreciate if you didn’t, at least, not until your foot is better.”

 

“What are you…?”

 

“I simply ask you to stay here until you feel better. I helped you and I want it not to be in vain. I didn’t take you to a hospital, as you wished me not to and I respected it. So, now it’s time to respect my wish, too. I just want to see you gone once you really can. I don’t want your money. So, if you do not want to be indebted to me, then you should stay here until you can walk properly. That’s all.”

 

“But-”

 

“I’ll go now.” Sho cut him off.

 

The other only nodded, the small frown having returned on his forehead.

 

Sho was about to leave the room when he stopped and looked at the other over his shoulder. “Really… you should eat something. You are too thin.” And with that left the small-figured man alone.

 

***

 

“Jun, I’m lost…” Sho whispered not daring to look at his friend. “If only you could see the pain in his eyes… He tried to hide it almost desperately but I could see it… he needs help.”

 

“Sho, are you even listening to yourself? You’ve told me that you know nothing about him. He spoke to you the way he did! He has all these bruises and marks. He has been beaten unconscious.”

 

“I know… I know all that, Jun, but still… I want to do something for him… the same way you did for me. Back then, you didn’t know me yet you stood up for me!”

 

“I didn’t but it was school. The bullies were some fucked-up teenagers who thought they could rule the world. In this case, though, Sho, we’re talking of someone who may be involved in situations that could be life-threatening dangerous! Don’t you think it’s alarming that even when you did so much for him, he still tried to escape without saying a word?! This guy can be dangerous and you have left him alone in your apartment! What if he’s a thief? What if there are other people waiting for you when you go back!”

 

Sho said nothing in reply. He had lowered his head like a kid that got scolded by his father. He hadn’t dared to speak to Jun of what had happened with him this morning. He was too ashamed to.

 

Jun sighed. “Why do you want to help him this much?”

 

“His touch… when he was still unconscious. He didn’t want me to leave his side. And then… his eyes…” Sho replied in a whisper, his eyes locked on his lap. “His eyes were begging me to help… behind all that façade of arrogance I could clearly see it…” he looked up to his friend who was staring back at him. “Jun, for some reason that I can’t even explain to myself, I don’t have the power to ignore that begging. I just can’t.”

 

“And what are you planning to do?” Jun asked with a sigh, knowing he couldn’t change Sho’s mind.

 

“Honestly? I have no idea… but I know only one thing, Jun. I want to help him.”

 

***

 

Jun sighed, still thinking of Sho’s last words. He had never seen him like this… and that was scaring him. He was staring blankly outside his window.

 

“I think he’s fallen in love, even if he hasn’t realized it yet.”

 

Jun turned around, his eyes meeting those of his lover. He hadn’t realized he was there.

 

“I’m afraid that he’s but it’s dangerous, Masaki. It’s too dangerous. What if the other proves to be…?” he couldn’t even finish his line. He knew that Sho sometimes was naïve, seeing things only from one perspective, wanting to believe in people, unlike him who always kept some questions.

 

Masaki wrapped his arms around Jun’s waist, bringing their bodies closer. “I have faith in Sho-kun. I think that if he chose to fall in love with someone, this someone deserves it. Sometimes, the looks deceive, Jun. Don’t you know the saying ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’?”

 

“I do… It’s just that-”

 

Masaki hushed Jun with a soft peck on his lips. “Have faith and don’t forget that Sho-kun isn’t alone. He has you, us. Nothing bad will happen… We won’t allow it to happen. And who knows? Maybe this man is the one for him!”

 

“So, you’re saying it was fate that brought him to Sho’s life?”

 

Masaki smiled, leaning closer to his lover’s face, “Maybe it was… just like it was fate for me to meet you. Even diamonds when found are rough… Have faith, Jun!”

 

“I hope so…”

 

“You should…” Masaki replied with a warm smile that always managed to make Jun’s heart melt.

 

“I love you…” Jun whispered on Masaki’s lips before locking them together.

 

Deep inside he wished his boyfriend was right; not only because he wanted Sho to be safe but also because he wanted him to be happy.

 

***

 

When Sho came back to his apartment, he had half expected to see the other gone. It was only when smells of curry reached his nostrils that he realized that the other had cooked. Hesitantly, he came to the kitchen. No one was there, apart from a plate of curry rice waiting for him on the table. _So, he cooked and left?_ Sighing disappointed, he sat and tasted the cooked meal. It was delicious. Sho was a terrible cook and had given up of properly using his kitchen except for sandwiches and toasts. He finished it fast and took the plate to the sink where he found another one. A shy smile appeared on his face. The other had eaten.

 

He was about to head to his bedroom when he realized the door of the guest-room was half-opened. Curious he threw a glance inside. The stranger hadn’t left; he was still there. Sitting on his bed, his eyes locked at the tree outside his window. He looked lost in his thoughts… broody…

 

Sho knocked on the door gaining the other’s attention. “I see that you didn’t leave…” he said in a low voice as he entered in the room.

 

“You asked me not to leave and I didn’t. I told you, mister. I don’t want to be indebted to you.”

 

His tone was once again hostile but Sho didn’t comment on it. “I would like to thank you for the curry rice. It was delicious.” The other was looking at him with an unreadable gaze. “You should take your pill before you sleep, if you haven’t already, ok? And if… you feel unsafe, you can lock the door.” Sho mumbled before turning around, ready to leave the room. He had his hand on the doorknob when he spoke again, this time a little lower. “I’m Sakurai Sho by the way.”

 

He didn’t know why he had revealed his name to the other. He just didn’t want so much unanimity between them; at least, from his part. He knew there was no way he’d get a reply from the other so, he didn’t wait. He was about to step outside when it came… unexpectedly…

 

“You can… call me… Nino…”

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

The ticking noise of the alarm on the bed-side table was the only sound that could be heard in Sho’s bedroom. It had been one hour since Sho had heard the other saying those words. They had come out hesitantly… reminding him nothing of the arrogance he had been listening to from the moment the other had first spoken. There was fear reflected on them… exactly like the question that had been ghosting over the brown eyes of the other…  _“Should I trust you?”_ Sho could recognize it because it was exactly the same way he had stared at Jun back at high school; he had the same questioning gaze.

 

He didn’t know how many minutes he had been standing close to the door of the guest room looking at the small-figured man. The other looked fragile. At that moment, he had let the mask fall but Sho didn’t comment on it. He only kept on staring at him. Strangely, it felt as if they had said more in this silence, than if they talked out loud. Sho had only muttered a good night with a small smile. It was his way to say thank you.  _“Thank you for trusting me…”_

“Nino…” Sho whispered, his eyes staring blankly at the dark sky outside his window. He still found it hard to believe. The unknown man that had been in his apartment for two consecutive days had, now, a name.  _Nino…_ It wasn’t a real name but it was something. Now, Sho could finally call him, like an actual human being. What mattered was that the other had decided to tell him something; even if this something was only a nickname that, for all he knew, could be fake. “Nino…” he repeated, this time, a wide smile appearing on his face. Somehow, it suited the other. Short and cute; just like him.

 

Sho lied down on his bed, feeling a lot more relaxed than he had been, during these past few days. He didn’t realize that he had just thought of the other as someone cute, exactly like he didn’t realize he had also thought of him as someone beautiful.

 

***

 

The next morning, Sho woke up feeling a lot more refreshed. He had slept for around seven hours straight; something that hadn’t happened in a while. After a quick shower he got out of his room and looked for the other man;  _Nino_  he thought with a smile.

 

“Nino, are you awake?” he asked before knocking on the door. Sho stood there for several seconds but no answer reached his ears.  _Is he still sleeping?_ he thought with a small frown.  _Or perhaps he doesn’t want to talk…_ “May I come in?” he asked after a while, trying his luck again.

 

“ _Yes_.” Nino’s voice was finally heard from behind the door.

 

Sho pulled the door open, internally smiling that the other hadn’t locked it.  _Maybe things won’t be as bad as I was fearing them to…_  It wasn’t a surprise when he found him already been dressed up, sitting at the verge of the bed, his gaze locked on his lap. Somehow, he had been expecting this. He looked rather lost, nothing like the person he had come across yesterday, when he pulled a defensive face. Without a doubt Nino would be confused.

 

“Have you been up for some time, now?” Sho asked in a soft voice, not daring to come too close to the other.

 

Nino threw him a quick glance before he returned his gaze back to where it was. No words came out of his mouth. He didn’t show the hostility he had but didn’t show any traces of life either.

 

Sho sighed deeply. He knew what he had to do even if deep inside he didn’t like it. “I told you, yesterday. As a matter of fact, if you want to leave immediately, you can. I can pay you a taxi.” It was then that Sho finally gained Nino’s attention. “I realized how I must have been heard yesterday… I didn’t want to-”

 

Sho didn’t have the chance to finish his words.

 

“No. It’s… ok.” were the other’s words causing Sho to blink. It wasn’t what he had expected to hear. “I mean… taxi means more money from you and more money means more debt.” Sho was about to speak again but Nino didn’t allow him. “Even if you don’t want any, I wouldn’t accept it. For you, it may be nothing but for me, it is… too much.” He mumbled under his breath before he looked back at Sho who was standing at the same spot. “At least, here, I can… do something for you. How about I cook for you? It won’t take too long anyway. Today, I already feel much better.”

 

Sho smiled shaking a little his head. The other definitely had a certain way of speaking. There was a courage and a vigor in Nino that he liked. This attitude somehow seemed… genuine.

 

“I’m glad to know that.” He answered in all honesty.

 

“Yeah right…!” Nino muttered under his breath.

 

“But I am.” Sho said in a serious tone that left no room for doubt. “You should come to the kitchen. I’ll prepare coffee, and if you want, there’s also cereals to eat.” He added, this time, not waiting for an answer.

 

He got out of the room without throwing another glance to the other. But he had heard it; the gasp the moment he told him that he  _did_  care. Why was it so hard for Nino to believe someone may care?

_Has he experienced so much rejection in his life?_  Sho thought inevitably as he poured water into the coffee machine. The other was lonely. It was obvious.  _Perhaps, I could do something to-_

 

Sho’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard a sound behind him. He turned around to see the other having got a grip of one of the chairs in the kitchen in his attempt not to fall on the ground. In a blink of the eye, Sho was by his side, slipping one hand around the small waist securing his weight on him.

 

“If you needed help, you had to ask for it. I could help you.” Sho whispered as he helped him to sit. “You shouldn’t be afraid of asking me. It’s what I’m here for.”

 

Nino said nothing. He sat mechanically on the chair Sho placed him, looking at some blank spot on the wooden table. Sho sighed but didn’t said more. He had felt how the other had stiffened at his touch. He went back to the coffee machine to fill the two mugs. The cereals were already on the table.

 

“Why are you like this?” the question came as Sho was holding the milk and closing the fridge door.

 

Sho looked at him. “I’m like… how?”

 

“So… kind to me.”

 

“Because… you’re hurt?!”

 

“You don’t know me.” Nino insisted on the same agonizing tone.

 

Sho sat by Nino’s side. “You’re Nino.” He said in a soft voice looking straight into the other’s eyes.

 

The other chuckled avoiding to look at Sho. “That’s not my name and you know it.”

 

“I know.” Sho continued in the same way. “It may be your nickname or something you came up with but it’s how you asked me to call you.”

 

“Yet. You don’t know me.”

 

“I don’t… but I’d like to get to know you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I… don’t… kno-”

 

“There’s no way you don’t know. There has to be a reason.”

 

“I already tol-”

 

“No.” Nino cut him off. “Not that… No one ever goes to that extent for someone else if there’s nothing to earn for themselves… something selfish.”

 

“But-”

 

Nino turned his gaze to Sho. They were narrowed, piercing, as if they searched the truth in Sho’s ones. “Do you do all that because you want me to want to have sex with you?”

 

Sho blinked at the sound of the last words. “What? I thought I was clear I didn’t want to-”

 

“Couldn’t it be that you want to make me  _want_  it?”

 

Sho was left staring at the other. He couldn’t find proper words to counter the last phrase that slipped out of Nino’s mouth.

 

“Why are you so convinced that I want to have sex with you? Why is this the only conclusion to everything?”

 

“Because that’s how a man is. All the men that have approached me in the past wanted only that. They would do everything to get me there and once they got what they wanted they would leave me in a heartbeat.”

 

“I already told you. Every rule has its exceptions. And strangely, I’m the one in this rule of yours. I think of sex as the most intimate action two people in love can engage in. It’s something that confirms physically, if you want, their feelings for one another.”

 

“Bullshi-”

 

“If it wasn’t the case, would I have to behave like some kind of teenager?” Sho said in a low voice despite the uneasiness it brought to him that... unfortunate incident. “No.”

 

“But you stare!” the other insisted in a trembling voice. Once again, it was obvious that he felt he was losing ground. “I have caught you stare!”

 

Sho felt a knot at the back of his throat. Did he really stare?

 

“Perhaps, I do,” he mumbled awkwardly “...but definitely not because I want to use you the way you have implied. I just can’t stop thinking why you are in so much pain.” Hearing that, Nino made a move to get up from his chair but Sho was faster to keep him in there, placing a hand on top of his. “I’m not going to ask you why. I respect the fact that you don’t want to talk. I think I can understand you not wanting to trust easily… I didn’t trust easily back then, either. Just know that I was really happy when you told me I could call you Nino. You gave me the right to call you by a name.” Sho let out a deep sigh, lowering his head before he continued talking. “But you were right for one thing. I do have a selfish reason.”

 

“I knew it…” the other mumbled but sounded rather uncertain.

 

“I don’t know you but I want to help you. Excuse me for being selfish but for some reason, that I honestly don’t even know myself, I want to see you smile… maybe because I can see a part of my old, lost self in you.” Sho hadn’t let Nino’s hand free and noticed how the other had frozen. “Can we make a deal?” Nino didn’t speak but Sho was sure he was listening to him attentively. “I will not bring this issue again as long as you promise me something while you stay here.”

 

“Promise you… what?”

 

“Promise me that you will try not to overthink about everything and allow yourself to believe that not everyone follows the same pattern. I’m known for not following the majority’s pattern anyway. I’m criticized for it but I don’t care.”

 

Nino was now staring at him with an intense, unreadable gaze. “You’re weird,” he mumbled.

 

Sho let out a small laugh at Nino’s unexpected comment. “I know. Told you. I’m not the usual kind." Sho sighed before looking at the other, this time, being serious. "Can you, at least, try?”

 

The other was nibbling his lower lip for several minutes, not showing intention to answer. The small frown, Sho had noticed the previous day, was there again. After what it seemed an eternity and still not fully convinced, he softly nodded.

 

Sho couldn’t help but smile widely. It was obvious that the other still had his doubts but accepting to try was a good sign. “Thank you!" He meant this thank you. He felt relieved and happy; happy because the other was keen on the idea of trying. That alone was important for Sho. "But now you better eat before the coffee turns completely cold.”

 

The other did so without speaking again. He seemed lost in his thoughts but Sho could tell by his body language that he was calmer. He had been honest with Nino, and the latter had seen it.

 

_Not everyone’s a jerk, Nino. I’ll make sure you realize that yourself._

 

***

 

As time was passing by, Sho could notice how the other was feeling more and more relaxed in his presence. The next day, he heard a good morning as he was opening the door to leave for work. When he came back, there was pasta waiting for him on the kitchen table. This time, he didn't eat alone. Nino was waiting for him to come back. They ate in silence but the atmosphere wasn't as heavy as Sho had felt it the previous day. It was later that night that Sho heard Nino laugh for the first time at a comedian’s joke on TV. The other was sitting on the one of the armchairs. Nino had chosen to spend more time in the living room without an explanation, and Sho didn't dare to ask him why. He didn't want him to realize he had let some of his barriers fall lower. It seemed that the other felt more relaxed and somehow, looked more alive. Now, that he heard him laughing, could tell it with certainty. Nino’s laugh had an immediate impact on him, his sides of lips curling up into a warm smile.

 

“You stare… again…” The words had come out not with the same accusation they had some days ago.

 

“Yes.” Sho replied in a gentle tone, knowing the other had caught him. “Because it’s probably the first time a laugh was heard in these walls…”

 

The other cleared his throat without another remark, turning his gaze back to the TV. It was obvious that he felt awkward at the moment.

 

Sho decided not to make things complicated now that it seemed to be better between them and got up to prepare some tea.

 

\---

 

A few hours later, Sho was, once again, working on some papers in his living room. He was about to start the third report when he heard a hiss and painful moan coming from the guest room. He hurried to the room to find Nino on the floor of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and the antiseptic lotion in one hand. Sighing, he knelt and helped him sit on the edge of the bathtub.

 

“You shouldn’t overestimate your power. You’re getting there but still, you should be more careful!” Nino said nothing, his head hanging low. “Where you were trying to reach?” Sho asked in the same calm tone. “I’ll apply it for you.” He received a surprised gaze. It was obvious that the smaller man waited for him to comment, say something… Sho saw him biting his lower lip.

_I have already seen you…_  he tried to tell him with his eyes,  _and it’s alright…_

 

After some seconds of nerve-wracking silence, Nino pointed at his back. Sho followed his hand finally seeing a quite large cut. He frowned. Was that cut there when he had brought him back home or not? He looked at the other who was mirroring him, sadness covering his eyes. Sho smiled at him reassuringly. He couldn’t know for sure… and little did it matter. The most important thing was to show the other that he didn’t judge him. He took the lotion from Nino’s hand and a piece of gauze and applied some on the wounded skin.

 

“There you go.” Sho told him and placed the lotion back to its place. “I will leave you at your privacy, now.” With that, he turned to walk away when Nino spoke with a trembling voice.

 

“It’s not new…”

 

Sho looked at him for a couple of seconds before he smiled widely. “I’m really happy to know that.” He let out a small laugh when he heard the other sneezing. “But you should hurry to get dressed or you’ll catch a cold. Ok?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Sho smiled. He could tell the other truly meant it. “Good night, Nino.”

 

He went back to the living room. It was around midnight when he heard steps. To his surprise, he saw Nino coming closer with a glass of milk in his right hand. Sho was left astonished. Had the other prepared it for him? Sho couldn’t think clearly seeing Nino wearing one of his silk, dark blue pajama bottoms with a white T-shirt on top. He looked so cute in Sho’s eyes, as they hanged loose on his slim body.

 

“It’s warm milk with honey. It’s said to be good for the night.”

 

Sho gulped as his fingers brushed against the other’s, the moment he took the glass. He brought it to his lips, his mouth immediately filled up with a sweetness. The other was still on the same spot, probably waiting for him to say something.

 

“It’s delicious, Nino. I… really appreciate it.”

 

“It’s… for your help… earlier…” the smaller man whispered awkwardly but Sho was sure it wasn’t just for his help.  _It’s for not criticizing you…_ he thought, as Nino continued on talking while throwing a quick glance to Sho before he returned his gaze back to the floor. “And you should not stay awake for long. You work too… much… you have dark cycles under your eyes…” the words were spoken in a whisper, almost hesitantly.

 

Sho blinked in surprise. Had Nino just told him he shouldn’t tire himself? Was he seeing him from so close to notice his dark cycles?  Whatever it was, he could swear that there was concern in the other’s voice. He tried to meet Nino’s eyes, to find out what the latter was thinking at the moment, but the other was avoiding him, preferring to stare at the same blank spot on the floor.

 

“I… promise, I… won’t…” Sho replied in the same hesitant way.

 

The other said nothing more. He turned his back at Sho and walked towards the guest room, softly limping, because of his ankle. Sho was left watching Nino’s slim figure as he walked away. It was then that he realized something weird. Was his heart was beating funnily during this whole time? His eyes went to the glass; his heartbeat turned even faster. The same happened when he brought Nino’s picture in his clothes to mind. Suddenly, he felt his cheeks grow hotter, almost burning. He ran to the bathroom in his bedroom and threw some cold water on his face before he looked at his idol in the mirror. His cheeks  _were_ flushed. His heart was now beating like crazy in his chest. 

 

“It… it can’t be…”

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

“Matsumoto-san, you did great. I’m convinced that with your proposition as our new base, we’ll be able to make a big step ahead. I suggest that Sakurai-san and Yoshida-san accompany you to Osaka.”

 

Sho’s eyes widened at his boss’ words. If he went to Osaka, it would mean that he had to leave Tokyo for three consecutive days. He couldn’t do that… not when Nino was still in his apartment. He raised his hand to gain the older man’s attention.

 

“Yes, Sakurai-san?”

 

“Yamamura-san, I think such business trips could be a great opportunity for younger employees to gain experience. I’m sure a different point of view could only be beneficial, long-term speaking.”

 

Sho could feel everyone in the meeting room staring at him rather confused. It wasn’t like him to suggest such a proposition. It wasn’t like him to avoid a business trip. Above all, it wasn’t like him to not agree with his boss. He particularly felt Jun’s gaze scanning him from head to toe but didn’t flinch. He couldn’t leave, no matter what.

 

“Interesting remark, Sakurai-san. Do you have anyone in particular from your sector in mind?”

 

“Yamada-san.” Sho replied politely. “He’s already been two and a half years in the firm and so far, has shown excellent examples in previous similar projects.”

 

“I can also guarantee that, Yamamura-san.” Jun jumped in, surprising Sho. “I’ve worked with him before for the ASP-II project. I agree with Sakurai-san that he could be the best candidate in that matter.”

 

Their boss looked at them with a raised eyebrow for several seconds before he spoke again. “If Sakurai-san takes up the planning, I don’t see why we couldn’t try, since both of you seem to agree.”

 

Sho felt a wave of relief passing through his body. “Of course, Yamamura-san.”

 

“Ok. Then, how about we proceed to Shida-san’s new marketing strategic plan…”

 

Sho stopped paying attention to the words coming out from his boss’ mouth. He had been in that meeting room for more than two hours already and it was starting giving him a headache. Jun’s stare wasn’t helping either. All he wanted to do is to flee away.

 

Finally, after an hour and a half. He was free to go back to his office. He had almost reached his door when he felt a hand on his shoulder. _Jun…_

“I don’t have time, now, but don’t think this is over. You won’t escape so easily from me, Sakurai.”

 

Sho didn’t turn. It had been years since Jun had called him like that… because he had never brought him to his limits but it seemed that this time, he had. It wasn’t that he accused his friend of anything. The closer he got with Nino, the more he got away from Jun. The realization of having fallen in love with the young man who was loving in his apartment, made him lose his ground. Jun would definitely see it, Sho was positive about that, and because of that, there was no way he could face him… at least, not yet.

 

“We’ll talk.”

 

Sho heard Jun’s footsteps as the latter walked away. He had no time to lose… He hadn’t lied when he said that Yamada had the potential but the young man still needed support. A solid, detailed plan would be able to help him fill the gaps of Sho’s absence from the meetings in Osaka. 

 

\---

 

It was already dark outside when Sho heard the voice he least wanted to hear at the moment. “Sakurai-san.”

 

He cursed inside, yet didn’t show it, smiling politely as he stood up from his chair.

 

“Yamamura-san. Is everything alright? Do you perhaps want something changed in the plan?”

 

“No. Do not worry, Sakurai-san. I can assure you, your plan is perfect, as always. Yamada-san proved to be quite on the point when I asked him questions. I’ve also asked from Matsumoto-san and Yoshida-san to give him an intensive tip course. I’m sure it will be fine.” Sho’s boss replied with a small smile.

 

Sho sighed relieved. It seems Yamada had passed the test.

 

“In any case, I believe, Sakurai-san, you’ll be available online?”

 

“Of course.” Sho hurried to assure his boss. “Whatever they may need.”

 

“I needed to have it checked.”

 

Sho only smiled rather awkwardly. It was obvious that his boss wanted to say something.

 

“Is everything alright, Sakurai-san? Because it’s not common of you to avoid a business trip. You’ve never done it before… not even when recovering from flu.”

 

Sho cursed inside once again. He had been such a work addict that his present choice was seen as something alien.

 

“I’m fine, Yamamura-san. It’s just that… these days I accommodate a relative in home. He just got out from the hospital and as there’s no one else but me, I need to be with him until he fully recovers. He had an accident and faces difficulties in moving.”

 

“If that was the case, perhaps, you could have asked for a short-term leave. You had the right since you’ve never used your entitled ones.”

 

“It wouldn’t be necessary, Yamamura-san. My relative’s condition is already a lot better. I just cannot leave Tokyo at this very moment.”

 

“As you wish, Sakurai-san. I’ll be waiting the reports for LIGHT S.A. in the morning.”

 

“Of course, Yamamura-san.”

 

Once his boss got out of his office, Sho let himself lean against the back of his chair, his eyes closing. It was the first time he had ever lied at work. It wasn’t far from reality; only a few details altered. He let out a long sigh. He was tired… Not only physically but also emotionally. He had to face Jun… he had to face Nino…

 

Since the realization of his feelings, he desperately tried to avoid him. He had used work as excuse. It wasn’t but a pretext, but Nino was sharp.  Sho was sure, he’d immediately realize what was happening and it was the last thing Sho wanted at the moment. The only thing Sho had dared in the past days, was to sneak in the guest room to get a glimpse of the other’s sleeping face. He hadn’t walked too close, just looking him from afar was enough. His heart started pounding fast in his chest as he remembered how beautiful Nino’s soft skin looked, bathed, as it was, in the moonlight.

 

“So, now, you’re daydreaming even at work? The case if worse than I feared…”

 

Sho, startled, opened his eyes just to see his friend standing in front of his desk. He cleared his throat before turning his attention to the PC screen to save the last documents before closing it.

 

“You’re still here?” he asked Jun casually.

 

“Yes. I had to give instructions and tips to Yamada, thanks to someone...”

 

Sho avoided to look at his friend as he stood up and took his jacket in hand. “I’m sorry to-”

 

“It’s fine.” Jun cut him off. “Although, I admit it took me by surprise.”

 

Sho sighed. “Jun, I-”

 

“I’ve always been saying to you to get a break. It’s not that I really mind you not coming with me and Yoshida to Osaka but rather the reason you’re not.”

 

“I-”

 

“Is his foot still not healed?” Jun asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Almost.” Sho mumbled. The truth is that he wasn’t paying any attention.

 

“And still no progress…, right?!”

 

Sho gulped. “What… do you mean?” he whispered rather nervously.

 

“No mention of something… no single piece of information.”

 

Sho’s eyes fell on the ground. “No,” he whispered.

 

“No phone call to a relative, a friend, either..., right?”

 

Sho looked at his friend for a few seconds before averting his gaze again. Jun always had to be on point. He sighed. “No.”

 

Jun mirrored him, shaking his head in a disapproving way. “Sho, I can see that he’s being troubling you. Now, it’s not the right time for us to talk. I will only give you a piece of advice. Don’t get too attached.”

 

“What?” Sho asked louder than he wished but couldn’t help it. Jun’s remark… Had his friend realized his secret feelings? But… how?

 

“I’m only saying that it will only be more difficult when the time for him to leave will come…”

 

Sho lowered his head. Jun was right. He had also thought of it. He knew it, deep inside, but it was above his powers to control what he felt. He saw his friend having reached his office door. “Jun…?”

 

“Yes?” Jun asked as he turned to look at him.

 

“Thank you for earlier.”

 

“It’s what friends are for.” Jun replied with a small smile. “But that doesn’t mean I approve it… I have to leave, now. I’ve a trip, tomorrow.”

 

“Good luck, tomorrow.”

 

“Thank you. Take care of yourself. Promise?”

 

Sho bit his lower lip. After a few seconds of staring competition, he lowered his head, defeated. “Promise. Good night, Jun.”

 

“Good night, Sho.”

 

Sho was left alone, standing on the same spot, lost in his thoughts. He knew he shouldn’t get too attached to Nino but could he actually achieve that? His gaze turned outside his window at the lights coming from the other offices in the area and let out a deep sigh. His fast heartbeat told him that he couldn’t…

 

***

 

“ _Stop yelling!_ ”

 

Sho frowned as he pushed the door of his apartment open. Was Nino talking with someone? He took his shoes off and walked closer to the source of the sound as quietly as possible.

 

“ _I just felt like taking a break. That’s all._ ” Nino had his back at the business man, holding Sho’s phone in hand. It was obvious that he hadn’t taken notice of him. “ _I won’t tell you where I am… and… stop talking bullshit! It’s none of your business!_ ” Sho frowned. Why was Nino so desperate to hide himself? “ _Maybe I found myself a sugar daddy like the cute bitch I am… It was what she always told me! Maybe it was the time to prove her right!_ ” Nino continued sounding angrier and angrier with every minute passing by. “ _Stop… Stop yelling in my ear! I only called you so that you don’t do anything stupid and call the police like that other time, not because I wanted to hear a damn fucking lecture! Got it?_ ” Nino passed his hand through his hair. “ _It’s your problem! Not mine! Look, now, you know that I’m ok. So, no need to worry about me. Bye!_ ” and with that he ended the call. Sho saw him throwing his phone at the sofa. “ _Damn you, Ohno!_ ” he cursed before he went to the kitchen slightly limping.

 

Sho acted fast when he heard one of the cupboards open and the faucet being turned on. He took the phone, and with a trembling hand, he took the number, Nino had dialed, a photo with his cellphone before he let it back where the other had left it. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears. This wasn’t like him… How many times had he acted so out of character since Nino had come across in his life?! Many… He knew he shouldn’t have done it but he also knew that it was his only chance to gain a piece of information concerning the man that had captivated his heart. Maybe this Ohno could be a clue.

 

“I’m back!” he said in a loud voice, after several attempts of calming himself down, to give the other the impression that he had just arrived.

 

No reply came back. Sho walked to the living room to find no one. He frowned. _Where is he?_

“You… came…? What time is it?”

 

He saw Nino yawning and throwing his hands up in the air as he walked towards him from the guest room. It was only when he came closer that Sho noticed his red, puffy eyes. Had the other been crying? Sho frowned… of course, he had… these were tears of frustration… anger… It was obvious that whoever this Ohno was had upset him. And now… _you pretend you were asleep…_

“It’s almost ten. Were you sleeping?”

 

“Yes…” Nino whispered.

 

“Have you eaten?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“If you’re tired, you should go. Don’t push yourself.”

 

“I don’t mind. I like seeing you eat.” The last words came softly out of Nino’s mouth surprising both men. “I… mean… I find it funny the way you fill your mouth with food.”

 

Was it Sho’s imagination or Nino’s cheeks had traces of the slightest blush? He blinked feeling his own cheeks blushing at the thought. His heart once again skipped a beat and having the other only centimeters away from him made his hands itch to touch him. He bit his lower lip. He shouldn’t act on his desire… even if there wasn’t any dirty thought hidden behind.

 

“I have to check some things as I eat, so you better go to bed. It’s already late.”

 

Sho wanted to tell him to stay with him… but he couldn’t.

 

“You know you can tell me if you don’t want to-”

 

“I don’t want you to leave. You still can’t walk properly. It’s just that I have too much work…”

 

“O… k…” Nino mumbled rather hesitantly, his voice tiny; tinier than ever.

 

“Good night, Nino.”

 

“Good night.”

 

Sho hated it. He hated that he had eavesdropped and that he had taken secretly the number of this Ohno. He hated that the other had thought he was unwelcomed. He hated that he had denied his company when the other had more or less proposed it himself. He hated that the other despite knowing his name still hadn’t called him by it; not Sho, but not even Sakurai. He hated that the other wouldn’t open to him, the same way he hated it that he couldn’t open he, himself, to Nino.

 

He sighed as he found a plate of omurice waiting for him at the kitchen table. He took a spoon and started eating staring blankly at the fridge. He, now, had something… or more correctly someone. Ohno… Who could he be? And what is he to Nino…? And who is _she_? Which woman could ever think so low of Nino? Inevitably, his eyes turned to the closed guest room door.  _Why do you hide so much anger in you?_ His heart clenched painfully when he remembered the red eyes he had come across earlier. It wasn’t anger… it was pain… deep pain…

He couldn’t eat. He had lost his appetite. He felt guilty. He had pushed the other away when it was obvious that Nino sought for his presence. Without changing clothes, he walked towards the guest room. He could hear muffled sobs. _You’re crying… again…_ Without knocking, he entered inside where he found Nino sitting on the floor with his back at the feet of the bed, curled up like a ball. Was he like that because Sho had denied him to stay with him? No… It had to be that Ohno… Whoever he was, it was obvious that he had an impact on Nino. Their gaze met in complete silence. Sho couldn’t bear the sight in front of him. It didn’t matter what the reason was; the most important thing was that Nino was crying, and he simply hated it…

 

Without uttering a single word, he stepped closer and knelt right in front of the other. He tilted his head, his eyes searching for a trace of rejection that never came across the other’s gaze. He opened his arms and wrapped them around the slim figure. He felt the way Nino froze but didn’t move away. Sho felt like crying himself the moment he felt two arms finding their way behind his back, holding on his shirt. He only tightened his grip around the other… telling him in a way that he was there for him… that he could cry. It was after several seconds, that he heard it again… the sob… and then he felt something hot wetting the front of his shirt. A tear… He said nothing. There was no need for words at the moment. He only kept hugging the other, pressing him closer against his chest. He was sure Nino could hear the crazy rhythm his heart had but couldn’t care at this moment. He had to ensure the other was calm again.

 

It was an unexpected turn of events. All these days, he had been avoiding the other and now they were both on the floor so close. Sho closed his eyes, allowing himself to feel how Nino felt in his hands. Sho could only use the word perfect to describe it… as if this was where Nino was supposed to be. Yes… he wanted to protect this man…

 

“Shhh…” he whispered, his mouth ghosting on top of Nino’s head. “It’s alright. I’m right here…” He meant it.

 

\---

 

Sho threw one last glance at his sleeping figure, securely placed under the sheets, before he got out and headed to his bedroom. It was a little after midnight when Nino had stopped crying and his breathing returned slowly in a calmer rhythm. Sho had felt as if, somehow, they had come closer… closer than he had ever dared to imagine. Nino hadn’t pushed him away; he hadn’t jerked when he felt his lips pressing a kiss on top of his hair, neither when he pulled him up and placed him in the bed.

 

After a quick bath, and once settled into his bed, Sho looked at the photo he had taken earlier. Nino had erased the number from the memory of his fixed phone when he checked it again. This Ohno could play a key role… but then again should he act selfishly and call him?

 

“I should wait…” he mumbled to himself before switching the lamp on his bedside table off. 

 

Maybe he had to wait and see if Nino opened up a bit… No. Nino _would_ open up to him… Something told him that he would.

 

***

 

Two days had passed by since that night and neither had brought it up. They both continued on the same routine they seemed to have developed. The only difference is that Sho, once again, didn’t avoid him, feeling that it could only cause more problems and the last thing, he wished for was another outburst like that.

 

It was Sunday, a little after ten in the morning, when the bell rang. Sho frowned. He didn’t expect any guests.

 

“Who could that be?” he muttered to himself as he went to open the door. His eyes bulged when they met with no one else but Jun looking at him with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

 

“Jun?! Wh… what… are you doing here?”

 

His friend said nothing as he barged into his apartment, without waiting for Sho to allow him.

 

Sho cursed under his breath. He could already see how his friend was and he knew Jun had enough with him. “Jun! Wait!” he tried to stop the other as he hastily closed the door. Jun simply ignored him.

 

 _Damn it!_ When Sho entered in the living room he saw Jun looking at Nino critically from head to toe.

 

“Jun, let’s go to the kitchen.”

 

“You won’t introduce me?” Jun said in a polite yet strict tone. Sho knew his friend was angry, and Sho knew he had all the rights to be.

 

“This is…” Sho bit his lower lip. What could he say? What would Nino want him to say?

 

“Nino.”

 

To everyone’s surprise it was Nino himself the one who spoke.

 

“Nice to meet you, Nino. I’m Matsumoto Jun.”

 

Sho didn’t know what Jun had in mind, not that he didn’t trust his friend, but he couldn’t risk it.

 

“Jun? Can you come in the kitchen?” Jun was still looking at Nino. “Please.” Sho knew he sounded desperate, but he really was.

 

Once they were in the kitchen, Sho threw a quick glance to Nino who was looking at them with an unreadable gaze, before he closed the door so they could speak without being heard. It seems it was what Jun had been waiting because the moment the characteristic sound was heard, he started speaking in a way Sho had forgotten of.

 

“What the hell is going on, Sho? Yamada sent you three emails when the offer was changed in the last minute but got nothing back. I called you, you didn’t call back. Luckily, it was something Yoshida was familiar with and we managed to overcome it. We came back from Osaka, you didn’t care to call. I had to cover up for you to the big boss. You sent files to my secretary that were missing important information and others that had several mistakes. I tried to approach you and you ignored me. You have been ignoring me for quite some time now, I said nothing. But now it has affected your job, damn it! Your job! This is not you. I get it… Don’t think that I don’t understand why you’re like this… You’re only human after all, but I can’t allow it consume you like this. I have no idea what’s changed lately, but you have to wake up. You have to get over this turmoil of yours because it’s turning into a whirlpool from which you won’t survive.”

 

Sho couldn’t stop Jun… It was a while since his friend had such an outburst.

 

“If you’ve chosen to ignore it, good, but I can't,” Jun continued. “…and I don’t intend to sit back seeing you going on like this, Sho!”

 

Sho had lowered his head like a small kid being lectured by his parent after getting caught making mischief.

 

“Why won’t you speak to me? Before, whenever you felt troubled you came to my apartment…” This time, Jun sounded as if he was tired; tired of being worried.

 

“I will…” Sho whispered, knowing how much he must have worried his friend. “I will, I promise.”

 

“I didn’t want to come here… but you left me no choice, Sho.” Jun whispered.

 

“I know that, Jun.” Sho’s voice sounded weaker, almost trembling.

 

Jun said nothing more. He took his friend into his arms, knowing that it was what Sho needed at the time. He had no intention to barge like that into Sho’s apartment but he wouldn’t allow the other to destroy his life. He may feel in a way he hadn’t experienced before and he had respected it, giving Sho the time and room he needed, but his behavior these past few days, was closer to becoming alarming… and Jun couldn’t ignore it; even if it meant action that Sho may not be very fond of.

 

“Please, think about what I said and remember… I’m always on your side.”

 

Sho nodded once he broke the hug. “I know…”

 

“I will take my leave, now. I’ll be waiting.”

 

Sho nodded again.

 

When he opened the kitchen door, Nino was still sitting on the sofa, with his knees close to his face.

 

“Good bye.” Jun said to Nino gaining only a small nod.

 

When Sho returned back to the living room, Nino was nowhere to be seen. He walked to the guest room door. He knocked but no reply came. He tried to open it in vain. The other had locked it. That hadn’t happened before. Why had the other disappeared?  Suddenly, it felt as if he and Nino had taken several steps away from each other.

 

“I’ll be back in five. Ok?” he said loud enough for Nino to hear him. Sho left his apartment sighing. He wanted to buy Nino’s favorite food. He wanted to make the gloominess, he had seen, disappear.

 

\---

 

_Four days ago_

_“Do you have a favorite food?”_

_Sho looked at the other bewildered. He surely hadn’t expected this question. “Why are you asking?”_

_“Because you seem to have none.” Nino replied in a blunt tone._

_“How did you guess that?”_

_“Because you like everything?!”_

_“I love food.”_

_“Yes. That’s what I’m saying!”_

_Sho almost laughed at the fast rhythm of this unexpected dialogue. “What I mean is that I love food, indeed, but my favorite is pasta with tomato sauce.”_

_“Humble. I would have never guessed!”_

_Sho chuckled as he finished his dinner. “I could also say the same, though.”_

_“What?”_

_“That you seem to have no favorite food because, unlike me, you seem to like no food in particular!”_

_“Because I’m not fond of food.” Nino replied in a tiny voice._

_“Which is why you’re this thin. You have to eat more.”_

_Nino chose not to answer to that. “I do have a favorite food, if you want to know.”_

_“Which is…?”_

_“Hamburger!”_

_Sho smiled, making a mental note._

 

\---

 

Sho opened the door, the hall immediately filled with the smell of freshly cooked hamburgers. He took off his shoes and placed the food on the kitchen table before he hurried to the guest room. He tried to open the door and to his surprise, the doorknob moved. “I bought us hamburgers for-” He started saying as he entered just to hush. The bed was made. No trace of Nino. He hurried to the bathroom but no one; again. “Nino!” he yelled, desperation conquering his body, but no one replied. He sat on the bed, his heart beating painfully fast against his ribs. _Don’t tell me that he…_ His thought was interrupted in the middle when he caught a piece of paper with the corner of his eye.

 

 

**Sakurai Sho**

**It was time for me to leave. My foot is fine, so there’s no need for you to worry. Your help didn’t go in vain just as you wished.**

**Nino**

Sho felt his hand trembling and his eyesight turning blurry from the tears that filled his eyes. “Nino…” he muttered his whole body, jerking. Before he knew it, Sho was crying, the tears hot as they were falling down his cheeks.

 

It had happened… Nino was gone.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

Sho let out a moan when he heard his phone ringing. His body felt numb as he made attempt to reach his bedside table which, for some weird reason, seemed to be out of reach. With a frown, he opened his eyes trying to see his surroundings. It took him a couple of seconds to realize that he wasn’t in his bedroom. He was still dressed with the clothes he had worn yesterday evening, when he went to buy hamburgers. He was still in the guest room with Nino’s letter in his left hand. For a moment he had forgotten it, or more correctly wished it had only been a bad dream, but unfortunately, it was true; the empty room was pure evidence. Nino was gone… for real…

 

He bit his lower lip to muffle the sob that threatened to escape from the back of his throat. It was just the previous day that Jun had warned him not to get too attached… How ironic… It was as if Jun’s visit had been nothing more than a bad premonition of what was about to happen. Sho tried to control his emotions that suddenly seemed to overflow, but couldn’t. It felt as if they betrayed him. His lips started trembling as he gave in the sadness that had been surrounding him from every possible direction, not leaving him enough room to breathe, his heart clenching painfully in his chest. The tears seemed hotter than those of last night… probably because, now, he could admit that the other was gone without the shock he had first experienced… and that somehow was hurting him more.

 

He covered his face with his palms as his body jerked due to the heavy sobs. He allowed himself to cry… He couldn’t pretend anymore. He knew it was late… too late for Jun’s warning. He _had_ been too attached. The guest room had become _his_ room, as if _he_ had claimed ownership just like he had done with Sho’s heart.

 

 _Stupid…_ Sho thought his hands fisting his hair. _He didn’t claim anything… he didn’t do anything… It’s you… it’s you who gave them to him… You allowed him to take them even if he never got to know it… Selfishly…_

 

He let himself cry until there were no more tears left to fall. Still with unstable breathing, he fell on his back on the bed, and stared at the ceiling blankly. “I’m sorry, Jun,” he whispered, “I had already fallen deeper than I could have ever dared to imagine…” His voice was trembling.

 

He didn’t know how much time, he had spent in the same position but he was sure he heard his cellphone ringing somewhere… _again_. He stood up and walked to the entrance hall. He found it in the pocket of his jacket. He looked at the screen gasping. It was as if his mind started working right at that point. It was Monday and already ten after nine. He was supposed to be in his office by this hour, yet he was still at home at this state.

 

For a short moment, he felt lightheaded, his eyesight turning darker, his hand, immediately reaching the wall for balance. He took a couple of deep breaths and shook his head lightly to gain his strength back. Once feeling better, he headed to the living room and sat on the sofa. He couldn’t possibly go to work in such a condition… there’s no way he could concentrate and be productive. The previous days, he had tried to fool himself in vain; Jun’s words had proven to him that. He could no longer play the dumb and pretend it was ok when it wasn’t… at least, not for that day. For the first time in his life, he phoned his secretary and informed her that he would be absent due to unexpected personal reasons. He was sure it wouldn’t raise more questions to Yamamura since he had spoken to him of his ‘relative’.

 

Once done with the call, he entered the kitchen where he found the bag with the hamburgers from last night. Without thinking about it twice, he took it and threw it as it was to the dustbin. He then started cleaning the plate he had eaten dinner the previous night and was still in the sink. There were more things to be done. He put his sheets as well as the sheets from the guest room bed to the washing machine. After that, he took the duster for the living room, followed by the vacuum cleaner. It wasn’t like him to do household chores, but at this moment, it was needed. He _had_ to do them. Once done, he looked around and nodded to himself satisfied with the result.

 

After a quick shower, and dressed in more casual clothes, he put coffee in the coffee machine and pressed the button. He needed a strong dose of caffeine. While waiting, his eyes fell on the fridge. He opened it and found it full. He had made sure it was full so that _he_ could prepare dinner… No point to keep it that way anymore. Immediately, he threw everything away. He did it mechanically; the same he took a mug from the cupboard, and placed it on the table, once he heard the sound of the coffee machine. His coffee was finally ready.

 

Now, everything was clean… the smell, those small proofs of Nino’s presence in his apartment had been erased… Everything was like before. He closed his eyes taking a deep breath. Now, all that was left was his memories. They would disappear… at some point.

 

It was late in the evening when his phone rang again. Sho didn’t need to see who the caller was. It had been almost every hour that Jun would call him. He didn’t reply, the same way he hadn’t replied any of the calls. After a whole minute of ringing, his phone hushed. Sho was thankful that Jun limited himself to calls and didn’t appear in the front of his door uninvited. As precious as his friend may be, he needed to be alone at this very moment.

 

He went to the kitchen and took one of the instant ramen cups he kept in the cupboard next to the fridge. The water soon had boiled and his dinner was ready. _Was it always so tasteless?_ he thought as he swallowed the ramen for the first time after a while. He felt tears coming to the surface of his eyes. He blinked them fast. He didn’t want to cry. He had to face reality. It had been a while since he had tasted ramen… he would get used to it…

 

“I’ll get used to it…” he mumbled, as he shoved more noodles in his mouth.

 

He knew that behind that ‘it’ wasn’t the ramen hidden but his loneliness. Once again, he’d come back to an empty apartment… once again, he would be on his own…

 

Before he lied down to his bed, he set the alarm half an hour earlier than usual. He couldn’t miss another day at work. It was difficult but he had to try.

 

***

 

“Sho, are you alright? You didn’t come to work yesterday, you didn’t reply any of my call… Is… everything ok?”

 

It was Jun. Sho didn’t stop walking, neither did he answer. He kept his gaze fixed on the elevator doors as he approached them.

 

“Sho…, what’s going on?” his friend insisted again, his voice revealing his worry.

 

Sho lowered his head, as his steps grew heavier.

 

“You make me worry.” Jun spoke again. “Did... something happen?”

 

Sho turned his gaze to his friend, staring at him with no words for several seconds. Should he tell him? But then again what would change? He let out a sad chuckle. Nothing. He took a deep breath before he decided to speak. “He’s gone.” The words came out almost in a whisper, as if he didn’t want to listen to them.

 

He turned his gaze back to the elevator doors whose ringing sound indicated the elevator was at their floor. He entered inside, followed by his friend, who seemed to have fallen into heavy thinking.

 

“Is it… my fault?” regret being reflected on his tone. “Did he leave because I showed up at your apartment on Sunday morning?”

 

Sho turned to his side and saw Jun having his head lowered. He sighed. “I can’t possibly know that, Jun,” he said in all honesty. He knew Jun had acted out of worry and protection and couldn’t accuse him of anything. “Maybe it’s irrelevant… Maybe he would disappear out of the blue, just like he appeared in my life…”

 

“Sho…, You-”

 

Sho shook his head a bitter chuckle escaping from his lips. “I know… I know that I have no excuse to have believed in something that was only in my head.”

 

“It’s not what I wanted to tell y-” Jun tried to speak once again, just to be cut off by Sho.

 

“It’s just that… I don’t know… I felt that somehow, we had come closer, you know? That we had a certain way to understand each other, our very personal communication path, if you want… Well, I guess I was wrong.”

 

“But-”

 

“And you had warned me…” Sho continued, his gaze still locked on the metallic doors in front of him. “You had told me to be careful, not to get too attached… I tried my best… I swear it, but no matter how much I did, I couldn’t. It hurts, more than I ever thought it would, and the apartment looks so… empty…”

 

“Sho…”

 

“But it’s ok.” Jun wasn’t given the opportunity to speak what he had in mind, as if Sho didn’t want to have his thoughts interrupted. “I’ll find back my old routine… it was only a mere week and a few days! How difficult can it be, right? I made the first steps yesterday…”

 

“Sho…” Jun tried to speak again but Sho was already walking out of the elevator since they had reached his floor. He hurried to catch up with him. “Tonight, you’re coming with me.”

 

Sho frowned. “What?”

 

“Tonight, you’re coming with me. End of discussion.” Jun repeated as he threw a quick wink at him before he walked back to the elevator.

 

Sho sighed as he entered in his office. He knew he was causing problems to his friend… once again. He was sure Jun would prefer to spend the evening with his boyfriend but the thought of not being alone, somehow, was quite attractive at the moment. He wanted to be a little selfish and spend more time with his friend… No, he couldn’t bear being in the empty apartment. 

 

***

“Here you are, Sho-kun!”

 

Sho saw the plate that was placed in front of him. He could tell it smelled deliciously but he had no appetite. “I appreciate that you prepared my favorite, Masaki-kun, but I don’t feel like eating pasta right now.”

 

“You know what they say, Sho-kun, the appetite comes as you eat!”

 

“What kind of saying is that?” Jun teased his boyfriend. “Masaki’s invention?”

 

“I don’t claim its ownership.” Masaki replied in the same teasing tone and a small pout. Sho smiled. Jun and Masaki were really cute together. Someone could feel from such small moments how much they loved each other. “I think it’s from Italy? Greece?” the taller man continued. “Somewhere in south Europe… but it’s true! And you, Sho-kun,” he said turning his gaze back to Sho, “eat… or I’ll feel that you aren’t fond of my cooking skills.” Masaki insisted, as he looked at Sho with his famous puppy eyes, gaining a small smile from Sho’s part. “Please…?”

 

Sho took the first bite which was enough for him to feel the need to continue on eating. He hadn’t eaten much these days and now, that he was actually tasting food, he could tell how much his body had craved for it.

 

“It’s delicious, Masaki-kun!” he said honestly.

 

“Really? I’m glad! Let’s eat!”

 

Twenty minutes later, Sho was sitting on Jun’s sofa with a glass of freshly made herb fusion beverage. Jun’s favorite. He looked at it without uttering a single word. He knew it was time for him to speak… but what could he say? Were the others expecting him to speak? Sho was frowning, his eyes locked on Masaki.

 

“You’re not under interrogation, Sho.” Jun said as he came to sit. “You know you can say nothing. Just enjoy the drink… it’s the best to help you relax.”

 

“Thanks, Jun.”

 

Masaki went to sit by Sho’s side. “Did you really think that I’d start asking you how and why?”

 

Sho gulped. “Well… not intentionally but…”

 

“I can tell that you don’t feel like talking right now. Take it as one of the pros of my profession. You’re here as Jun’s friend… as _my_ friend… Take all your time. If you feel that you want to speak only to Jun, you can tell me. I don’t mi-”

 

“It’s not that! Really, Masaki-kun.” Sho hurried to reassure the other. “I’d never think that… It’s just that I’m a bit confused…”

 

“Can I tell you something as your friend, Sho-kun?” Sho didn’t reply but looked up at Masaki. “You felt there was a connection between the two of you, didn’t you?”

 

Sho bit his lower lip, frowning for a couple of seconds before he nodded hesitantly. He had, as stupid as it may sound.

 

“Then, I’m sure you’ll meet with him again. Jun calls me idealist but I believe in fate. For all I know, he chose to stay. He could leave, I’m sure you perfectly know it as well, but he chose you. He was in an unknown environment… in some stranger’s apartment… If you think about it, he had all the rights to get up and leave as soon as he managed to figure out what was happening. Yet, he didn’t. You came closer… Why? We can’t be sure, now, but everything happens for a reason… I don’t know if you want to call it fate, karma or luck, but I know that’s the case for you and this Nino guy.”

 

“Baby, don’t forget that Sho has no clue… a name… nothing. How would he be able to-”

 

“Actually, I do…” Sho whispered cutting Jun off. He pressed the cup to his lips, not daring to meet neither of his friend’s eyes that were locked on him.

 

“What?” Jun asked with narrowed eyes.

 

“I… one day before he left… I caught him talking on the phone… He was talking to someone named Ohno…”

 

“Didn’t he delete it?” Jun asked with a raised eyebrow. “It doesn’t make sense to me since he looked like someone who was desperately trying to hide everything about himself.”

 

Sho cleared his throat still not daring to meet Jun’s eyes. “I… actually, I… took a photo of it before he noticed me…” There. He had said it and, now, was ready to hear Jun’s lecture.

 

“And you haven’t called?!”

 

Sho frowned. Had he heard correctly? He looked up at Jun who was staring at him with even more narrowed eyes than before. Had just Jun…? He frowned more. “Wh… what?”

 

“He has left with no goodbye. You missed a day at work for the first time in your life. You’ve been going crazy all this time… you haven’t slept, you haven’t eaten properly and I’m sure you still wouldn’t have even tonight, if it wasn’t for us pushing you, you have a damn number that could help you find him, learn something at the very least, and you still have done nothing?! Are you kidding me, Sakurai?!”

 

Sho was left astonished. It wasn’t usual for Jun to have such an outburst and somehow, he had caused two in only two days. He had made his friend call him Sakurai _again_ … But that was not all… Jun hadn’t lectured him for the reason he expected…

 

“What the hell are you thinking?” Jun continued on the same tone, now, standing up on his feet with his hands on his hips. “You’ve not been yourself, you’re clearly in love with this guy and even if I have my doubts and my concerns about him and his identity, I know that you have to damn try everything you have and pursue your happiness. We can finally find out what the hell is going on with your guy and all you’ve been doing is sulking like a teenager!”

 

Sho felt like shrinking at his sitting spot. It felt exactly like back then… with no exaggeration; just like when he was a teenager, and didn’t believe in himself. Still lost in his thoughts, he saw with the corner of his eye, Jun’s hand reaching for his phone that was left on the table a few centimeters away from him. _Is he trying to…?_ Sho tried to take his phone back but it was already late. A click sound was heard before Jun gave it back to him.

 

“If you haven’t called by tomorrow, I swear I’ll call myself! Got me, Sakurai?”

 

“Baby…, please, take it easy on Sho-kun. I know you’ve been feeling guilty and that you want the best for him, but, believe me, the last thing that he wants right now, is to deal with you while you’re acting like this! I know it’s in your nature but try to control yourself.”

 

Jun was about to speak again but hushed sighing deeply. “You’re right, Masa… I…” He fell on the sofa, next to Sho, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. “I’m sorry, Sho… I didn’t mean to yell… but, please, promise me to try…”

 

“Jun…” Sho tried to speak but hushed when Jun’s hand cupped his, squeezing it.

 

“You owe it to yourself.” His friend’s words made his heart pound faster in his chest. He knew the other was right… but in all honesty, he was scared.

 

“I’m sure, Sho-kun, will do it. He’s a strong man,” was Masaki’s remark. “Don’t be afraid of him!” His wide smile made Sho smile shyly.

 

He looked at the couple in front of him. He knew Jun for almost all his life, and Masaki had pretty much immediately gained an almost similar place in Sho’s heart. He felt lucky to have them in his life… like at this very moment. Each one of them, from a different perspective, were having the same goal. Both his friends were trying to awaken him, to shake him, to help him face the truth.

 

The previous day he had tried to erase everything that may remind him of Nino’s presence from his apartment and life… But… wasn’t it because he was afraid of taking risks? Afraid of getting more hurt than he already was?  Masaki had said that he was a strong man. He didn’t believe it but he realized that he had to overcome his fears and doubts. Jun was right. He owed it to himself. Even if he achieved nothing, at least, he wouldn’t have that _if_ haunting him forever; that persistent question of what would have happened, _if_ he had tried to track Nino down.

 

“I promise you… I’ll try…”

 

***

 

It was a little after half-past nine when Sho decided to dial the number on his phone. He could feel his hands sweating, his heart pounding so fast against his ribs that it was almost painful. He took a deep breath and pressed the call button.

 

He heard several beeps… no answer. He kept it for about a minute but still nothing. Disappointed, he was about to end the call when he heard a voice at the other end of the line.

 

“ _Hello?_ ”

 

Sho felt his throat getting dry at the sound of a male voice. He was too shocked to talk.

 

“ _Hello? Who is this?_ ” the other said once again, a bit louder this time.

 

“Uhm… Are you by any chance… Ohno-san?” Sho managed to ask with a broken and trembling voice.

 

“ _Yes, that’s me. Who is it?_ ”

 

“I… uhm… I call you about… Nino…?”

 

Complete silence.

 

“ _Who are you and what do you want?_ ”

 

Sho could tell the other sounded suspicious? Worried? Maybe a mix of both. “Ni… no was staying with me these past few days. He had hurt his foot…” Sho didn’t know how much to reveal and if he had to reveal anything at all. “I called… because he left two days ago without any warning. I… just want to know, if he’s ok…”

 

“ _I can’t talk right now. I’ll call you back later. Ok?_ ”

 

Sho sighed, knowing he had no other choice. “Of course, and excuse me for the disturbance.”

 

“ _Thank you, Mister?_ ”

 

“Sakurai.”

 

“ _Thank you, Sakurai-san._ ”

 

Sho was sure this Ohno wouldn’t call. His heart was still thumping. He _had_ tried.

 

***

 

Nino cursed when he heard loud bangs on his door. The last thing he wanted was to face his landlord. Landlord… Was that a term to describe the owner of a small room, ready to fall apart? Probably not, but that was of little importance.

 

“What is it this time, Tokita-san?” he asked furious as he opened the door just to freeze. In front of him, it wasn’t Tokita-san but a familiar small-figured man. What was he doing there?

 

“So, you finally decided to come back?”

 

“What the hell are you doing, here, Ohno?”

 

Ohno got inside without waiting for Nino to allow him. “It’s worse than I remembered…” the man commented as he looked the mess in front of him. In the middle of the room, there was a futon with torn edges between clothes, magazines and empty cans of beer.

 

Nino sighed as he closed the door with a loud bang. “I didn’t expect visitors,” he mumbled awkwardly as he went to pick up the beer cans and throw them in a supermarket bag he had at the back of the only chair in the room and used as dustbin.

 

“Yes, I can see that. You were having a private party!” irony was flowing in Ohno’s comment.

 

Nino went to stand right in front of the other, grabbing his shirt. “Why are you here? How did you know that you would find me here?”

 

“I’ve been coming here, every single day,” the other replied calmly.

 

 “So, what? You’re telling me that I was here but was hiding?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then?”

 

“Where were you?”

 

It was the last question that made Nino step back, releasing his grip. He turned his back to the other. “A… guy found me…”

 

“You were hit. I knew it!”

 

“I’m used to it.” Nino lowered his head.

 

Ohno chose to comment nothing on Nino’s last phrase. “And so… what? You stayed with that guy? Just like that?”

 

“He got me a doctor and… my foot was hurting like hell.”

 

“Who are you trying to fool, Nino? Since when that could be a hindrance to you? You always flee away.”

 

“I didn’t want to be indebted to him.”

 

“You want me to believe you? Who was he? What happened?”

 

“Nothing.” Nino replied angry. “Nothing happened! He is just one of those rich guys who have everything, yet nothing?! He was lonely so I thought why not to take advantage of his hospitality?! It was him that insisted anyway. I had a nice bed, hot bath every day, large TV…!”

 

“So, he didn’t ask anything in return?”

 

“I said no.” Nino said sounding angrier as he Nino sat on his futon, and hugged his legs that had brought close to his torso, not meeting Ohno’s questioning gaze. “Nothing a ‘sugar daddy’ would. I told you that on the phone only because you annoyed me! Besides, he wasn’t some middle-aged perverted man. He only wanted to make sure the money he spent on the doctor didn’t go in vain.”

 

“If that’s the case, then, why did you leave?”

 

“Because I couldn’t stay anymore...” Nino whispered, the words leaving his mouth before he controlled them. He gasped. “Be… because… I’m fine.”

 

“You’re limping.” Ohno remarked, as if he had heard nothing else.

 

“I said I’m fine!” Nino looked at Ohno with tears in his eyes. Why would he insist talking about Sakurai Sho?

 

“Alright.” Ohno whispered rising his hands up in the air in defeat. He reached the door and opened it. “I’ll be expecting you, tomorrow.”

 

“Why do you insist on keeping me?”

 

“Because that’s what a big brother is supposed to do.” Ohno replied while keeping his back on Nino.

 

“You’re not my brother, Ohno.”

 

“Let me have my opinion on the matter. Ok? Good night.” And with that the door closed.

 

Nino curled up in the futon, not caring to eat anything. As he closed his eyes, the only thing he could remember was how he had felt two nights ago, when Sakurai Sho had kept him in his arms. Suddenly, he felt colder, as if the memory of that sensation had made his room turn even less bearable. He felt the need to cry… He usually tried to show no emotion, but this time, it was difficult. Loneliness had never felt more disturbing. He stubbornly tried not to let tears run down on his face. He started taking deep breaths to reason himself. He looked up to get a glimpse of the night sky, at least, the best he could from his tiny cracked window.

 

“Idiot… How could you think that you may find a place there… with him…?” Nino whispered to himself. “When you brought him nothing but trouble… He’s from another world…  a world where he can be with someone like that man… cultured… refined…”

 

Nino closed his eyes tightly.

_Matsumoto Jun…_

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

_He cursed in his head. Why was he angry? He shouldn’t be angry; at least, not because of this. He should be before… He had caught the way the businessman had been watching him… He knew the other was checking him out but still couldn’t come to speak to him and tell him to go to hell, like he would under any other circumstances. But then, he realized the other was avoiding him… probably because he wanted to distance himself and not act in a way Nino wouldn’t approve of. Nino knew he should feel relieved but he was angry… getting angrier with every day going by, and Sakurai Sho not spending time with him, not talking to him but the basic, not looking at him._

_He turned on his side squeezing his eyes closed in an attempt to sleep. He couldn’t… again… He landed a fist on the mattress when he thought he heard something. He frowned. He heard it again, this time clearer. It was the door being opened. He stopped breathing, his heart accelerating fast in his chest. What was Sakurai Sho doing in his room? Had he been coming every night? Or was this the first time? And if it was the first time, why was the other there? And why wasn’t he coming closer? Nino’s ears were focused to catch the tiniest sound of footsteps but there wasn’t any. He frowned confused. It wasn’t but a few minutes later that the door was once again heard. Sakurai Sho had left his room. Nino sat up, his eyes looking at the, now, closed door. He looked at the small clock on his left bedside table. It was almost half-past two in the morning._

_He let out a trembling sigh, his heartbeat still being faster than normal. He felt confused and rather… disappointed, if he wanted to be completely honest with himself. The thought alone made him gasp. Had he wanted the other to come closer? He got out of the bed, heading to the window. Outside it was pitch dark except for the street light that could be seen at the corner. Could it be that he was starting to fall in love? It scared him… mostly because he knew it could be real. He couldn’t allow that to himself. He wasn’t worth it… He couldn’t feel… not again… He closed his eyes tightly as memories filled up his mind.  He had allowed it once just to be broken in the worst possible way… He was tricked… fallen into the trap._

_He bit his lower lip. Why was there this tiny voice telling him that this man wasn’t like that bastard? Why did the other make him believe he wasn’t a jerk? So far, he had behaved perfectly… and even if he looked at him the way he did, he didn’t act on it. He behaved like a true gentleman, making Nino fall probably even more. He had never felt more confused than he did at this very moment. He went back to the bed to check what time it was._

_“3:40? Already?” he mumbled to himself._

_Without being able to control himself, he opened the door and tiptoed to the bedroom next to his. He turned the doorknob, trying to be as discreet as possible. When the door opened, the businessman’s sleeping figure was revealed. Nino walked closer, his eyes locked on the other’s face. The black hair was covering some of his face, accentuating even more his lips… these pouty, full lips that made Nino’s mouth dry. It was almost as if they were doing it on purpose. Nino found himself kneeling carefully not to hurt his foot, on the side, his right hand moving to the tuft of hair. It felt so soft under his touch… He placed it behind the ear so that he could take a look of the other’s face without anything in between. Unconsciously, his tongue came to brush over his lips to moisturize them as his eyes fell on Sakurai Sho’s lips once again. This time, he let his hand slip towards them. They were hot… they felt amazing… more than he could ever imagine._

_He swallowed hard as he felt the need to feel them against his. He leaned closer, his lips were almost touching them when the other moved a bit in his sleep causing him to move back in fear. The other showed no trace of waking up though allowing Nino to relax once again. He crawled closer, his eyes locked on the beautiful sleeping face in front of him. He leaned closer, the need to feel the businessman’s warmth growing bigger in him. Avoiding any further touch, he pressed his mouth firmly to the half-opened, due to sleep, one, locking them together. His eyes closed to savor this moment fully. A hotness sprung in his body as he felt how soft those lips were feeling against his. Unconsciously, he brought his hands to cup the other’s cheeks when he heard a soft groan. Terrified not to be discovered, he moved away, panting._

_It was then that he realized what he was doing. Not only had he entered in the older man’s room but also had acted the way he had accused him of in the beginning. He had stolen a kiss… A kiss he was not given… Since when did he behave like this? He hurried to leave the room, closing the door behind him with as less sound as possible, and entered in his, leaning his back against the wooden surface of the door._

_His heart was pounding like a drum against his ribs. It was almost painful. He closed his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing. He had to calm down… inevitably. How could he when the moment he closed them, all he could think of was how hot those lips had felt against his, how perfectly that mouth fit against his… In an attempt to taste the other as much as possible, his tongue, wet, came to trace his lips again. He felt hotter… an exciting sensation filling up his body, adrenaline running through his veins. All he wished for, was to feel those arms against his skin embracing him, holding him, marking him… He opened his eyes, his gaze falling across the room and on the dim light coming from outside the large window. He couldn’t fool himself anymore. What he was feeling for the other wasn’t emotions of gratitude… but those of passion… of need… There was no doubt… He had fallen for the other… and he had fallen hard._

_That night, he slept with his lips curved up into a smile. Perhaps, he had a chance… If the other liked him back… At least, so did it look like… Maybe he could open up a bit… maybe he could give it a try…_

_\---_

Nino opened his eyes panting heavily. Why had he dreamt of him? He looked around just to realize he had fallen asleep in the clothes Ohno had left him the previous evening. He shook his head. Obviously, he had been wrong… It may have seemed to him as if Sakurai Sho had come to show some interest but now, he could clearly see that it was a misunderstanding from his part. Most probably, the other only wanted to help him… which was the most logical. It made sense… How could someone like Sakurai Sho like a useless person like him? He had come to know pretty early that he was unwelcomed; the harsher way possible, which wasn’t a claim; it was a fact.

 

Sighing, he stood up and stretched his legs to help them get rid of the stiffness earned due to the weird position, he had fallen asleep in. He went to the small bathroom and checked himself in the dirty, cracked mirror. His pale skin was more evident than before, or more correctly, it was more evident to him at that moment since it was the first time he was looking at himself closely. His bleached hair with the now dark roots wasn’t also helping his image much. A bitter laugh came out of his lips.

 

“How could you even think that he may like you? Pity you… maybe…” He threw some water on his face, trying not to cry. “Idiot… what an idiot you are, Kazunari…”

 

It seemed that the other had someone who cared about him… someone who belonged to his world… He had stolen a glimpse of them in the kitchen. He knew they were talking about him but couldn’t catch everything. He had only seen them hugging each other. They looked perfect… It was as if seeing them together made him realize how different he was. Living with that man had made him forget about it, at least, pretend to forget about it, wanting selfishly to see his life from a different perspective… how it would be to have someone enjoy his company, laugh while watching a silly comedian on TV… how it would be if he led a life that could be described as… simply normal.

 

But he wasn’t normal… and he had managed to influence the businessman’s life as well in the only way he could; negatively. It wasn’t a real surprise for him. Since he was born, it seemed that he brought problems to the others… everyone. This time, though, it was different. It felt right… good… but maybe it was too good to be true… like a dream. He knew it was time to face reality; that empty reality he so much hated, but had no other choice. Sakurai Sho wanted to help him. So, the only thing he could do was to help him back, and the way to do that was to walk away from his life.

 

Later, he tried to make his room look a bit more decent in order to keep his mind occupied with something different from Sakurai Sho. When he finished and checked his watch, he realized it was almost 4 pm, meaning that he had to hurry, if he didn’t want to be late for his shift. He wasn’t really in the mood to go for work but he knew he wasn’t in position to screw it more than he already had. He acknowledged the fact that he was lucky to have a job when in every other case, his boss would have thrown him out from the first month. Maybe it was Sakurai Sho’s influence, maybe Ohno’s unexpected visit the previous day or just his conscience… One thing was sure though; something, this time, told him to give a small try; at least, not being a total ass to someone who seemed to accept him.

 

Having worn his black denim trousers along with a black T-shirt on top, he stepped out of his room. The stairs were creaking as he climbed them down. His neighborhood was one of the poorest in Tokyo but at least, it was quite safe; not that he could escape easily from trouble but it wasn’t the worst…

 

It felt so strange to be there… _How did I allow myself to fall so deep into a life that I usurped as mine…?_ he thought as he headed to the bus stop. This wasn’t the usual him. He never allowed people to approach him, let alone to get under his skin. Yet, this man, had managed it almost effortlessly. His care, his no judging gaze, had made Nino lower his defense walls…, lower than he could have ever dared to imagine he would be possible of. And there he was, missing his everyday life with that man, how they would have breakfast together, how he knew the other would check to see if he had eaten properly, how he would smile at him before leaving for work.

 

He missed the excitement he felt when he was about to prepare dinner. It had started as a mechanism to defend himself from having to use other kinds of ‘payment’ and it had turned into his way of showing his gratefulness…, his affection. He enjoyed seeing the other smiling fondly at the first bite, moaning how delicious it was; whatever Nino had prepared for him. It was such moments that made his adaptation to his own everyday life so difficult, almost unbearable.

 

“It was only a few days… just a few days…” he whispered under his breath to convince himself that soon, he’d be ok… as ok as he could be, of course.

 

Finally, he saw the bus approaching the stop. As he climbed on it, he let his eyes follow the view that changed as the bus was taking him to his work. He had to stop thinking.

 

***

 

Nino sighed as he pushed the door of the small konbini open. It wasn’t Seven Eleven or Family Mart but it was pretty decent for a small neighborhood shop. He ignored the questioning gaze of Ikuta Toma, his coworker, who was behind the cashier at the moment. He knew he would raise questions when he was absent for so long.

 

“You decided to come. I’m glad.” Nino turned on his side to find Ohno Satoshi approaching with a carton box of potato chips in hand. “Put on your shirt and come to help me with these.”

 

Nino sighed once again. “Yes, boss.”

 

He noticed how Ohno shook his head but didn’t comment. Nino went to the small storage room at the back of the konbini to get changed.

 

“Nino-kun, are you feeling alright, now?” his coworker asked him the moment he came closer to put on his name tag. “Do you still take antibiotics?”

 

Nino frowned. _Antibiotics?_ His eyes fell on Ohno. _What has he said again?_ Ohno always did that; covering up for him when he wasn’t asked to. He knew the other was doing it because he cared for him but couldn’t understand why. Why Ohno would insist on covering up his mistakes when he wasn’t a child anymore… when he wasn’t responsible the way he used to be when he had first met him in his life, twelve years ago.

 

“No,” he managed to whisper. “I’m ok.”

 

“Ah… I’m glad. “Ohno-san told me that you had a serious infection that required your stay at the hospital.”

 

Nino’s eyes bulged but tried not to show his surprise too much. “It’s fine. I’m ok, now. I guess I was lucky… to have hurried to go to the hospital, I mean.”

 

“Nino. The chips?” Ohno’s voice reached his ears again.

 

“Yes, boss. I’m coming!”

 

Two hours later, he was left alone with Ohno as Ikuta Toma’s shift had ended.

 

“Ι will be out for a while.” Ohno announced as he put on his jacket.

 

Nino sighed but managed to make a slight nod. He got behind the cashier to be ready just in case. Around twenty minutes later, he heard the small bell of the entrance indicating that someone had entered.

 

He cursed inside but nevertheless, he cleared his throat to welcome the customer properly. “Welcome to Fresh-” He couldn’t finish. His whole body froze. He blinked trying to figure out if the sight in front of him was real or just a tease of his brain. No matter how many times he opened and closed his eyes, the sight didn’t change. His eyes weren’t fooling him. He was there… For real… Sakurai Sho was standing a few meters away from him. How… how had the other find him? What was he doing there? Why?

 

\---

 

_Six hours ago…_

Ohno checked the time on his watch for the fifth time since he had arrived at the small soba restaurant. He hoped he’d done the right thing. It wasn’t like him to take such initiatives but this time, he felt he needed to act.

 

~.~.~

 

_He had just got out of Nino’s room and was inside his small car when he called Sakurai Sho._

_“Yes? Sakurai-san? This is Ohno Satoshi. I was wondering, could you come tomorrow by noon at the address I will send you? It’s a small soba restaurant. It’s better if we speak in person. I’m sending it immediately. Ok? Thank you. Good night.”_

_A minute later, the SMS was sent._

_Whoever this man was, had an impact on Nino… The first clue was the fact that he had revealed his name, even in that form. Then, he had seen how Nino had reacted at the mention of the man he was staying at, all these days. Ohno had seen the awkwardness… the anger… the tears…_

_“I have to make sure he’s not a scumbag and that he’s worth it.” Ohno whispered as he revved the engine up. “If he is, there’s no way you’re escaping from this, Nino. I’ll personally make sure that you won’t.”_

 

~.~.~

 

“Where is he?” he muttered under his breath.

 

“Excuse me,” Ohno heard a deep voice from behind. “I’m meeting with… Ohno-san?”

 

Ohno instinctively turned around just to be left surprised. The man he was seeing was certainly not like he expected him to be; not that he actually had any certain expectations… but still… it was rather weird. How could such a man win Nino’s interest? And what is more… how could _such a man_ be interested in someone like Nino? At least, not in the usual way. He frowned. He knew several cases of rich businessmen who had been eyeing for the younger one… but Nino was firm. This man was different. He could recognize it himself when he had spoken on the phone. The hesitance and the concern…

 

“Ohno! Here’s the man you were expecting!” The owner, and good friend of his, said.

 

“Thanks, Masahiro-kun. Oh! Bring one of your best-selling for Sakurai-san, too.” Ohno replied as he stood up and made a small nod to the businessman to come and sit at his table. “I hope calling you here didn’t intervene with your work,” he said in a polite tone once the other was sitting in front of him. 

 

“No, don’t worry.”

 

“Sakurai-san?”

 

“Yes. Sakurai Sho.”

 

Ohno looked at the other carefully, scanning him from head to toe. Objectively, he was handsome but there was something more to it. He was approachable… not sharing the usual brazen attitude others of his class and status had.

 

“So, it was you the one who kept Nino in his apartment.” Ohno didn’t mean to go this bold but had to see the other’s reaction… to figure out what he wanted from Nino.

 

“I… didn’t keep him in the sense of prisoner, Ohno-san. It’s just that… he was hurt… badly and couldn’t walk… He asked me not to take him to the hospital and I didn’t. I respected it. I just wanted him to leave when he would be really ok… That’s all, I swear.”

 

“Are you used to keeping strangers into your apartment, Sakurai-san? Because if you are, you sound either naïve or too brave to me. And believe me either way, it’s not wise.”

 

“I’m not used, as you say, Ohno-san, and it’s not that I didn’t think of what you imply. Obviously, when you find a man beaten from a gang, I suppose, and left the way he was could be alarming and it was in the beginning, but even if I’m not naïve, I couldn’t leave him there.”

 

“Why? I want to understand.”

 

“Because he needed help. He didn’t say anything but I could see it in his eyes, Ohno-san.”

 

“How can you be so sure? I mean apart from the obvious reason of being hit.”

 

“Because… let’s say I once was in a similar situation… needing help but refusing to get it out of defense. And to answer any probable question of yours, I know that Nino isn’t a bad guy.”

 

“But-” Ohno tried to stop the other just to be cut off.

 

“Like you aren’t either. The moment I entered this small restaurant I knew it. I won’t deny that I had my doubts but then, I knew I couldn’t _not_ come; not because I’m brave, like you mentioned earlier, but because for once in my life, I don’t want to have regrets for not trying.”

 

Ohno looked at the other for a few seconds before he sighed defeated. It was obvious that the other was determined to get his answers. “Do you care about him?”

 

“I-”

 

“I mean, do you _really_ care about him?” Ohno continued, his eyes locked on the businessman’s face. “Because in all honesty, Sakurai-san, many would have doubts… like I do. I don’t say that Nino isn’t worth it. Damn, he’s worth to be treasured and loved, but society etiquettes, if you want, simply reality? It’s not common. You see, even if you have experienced something similar, yours and his… are two completely different worlds. So, I wish you answer to me honestly, Sakurai-san, because he is someone dear to me.”

 

“I do. I really do, Ohno-san. I know it may sound weird but having him there, seeing him laugh while watching TV, it made me smile, too. For once, I was looking forward to going back to my place after work. I… it’s weird but I felt that we somehow… connected. As if we could understand each other… And as for society etiquettes? Under our clothes, expensive or cheap, we’re nothing more than flesh and bones. Because I have money, it doesn’t mean that I’m happy. Happiness isn’t something that can be bought. I’d dare to say that despite my wealth, I’m poor… because I’m lonely.”

 

“And in just a few days, a little more than a week…? You found happiness in Nino’s face? Are you sure this isn’t just… physical?” Ohno spoke the last word in a lower tone.

 

“Emotions aren’t radical, Ohno-san. I may know him for only a few days, as you say, but I want to help him. Not because I want to have my way with him… I wouldn’t be here if that was the reason, I could easily find someone, whoever, to fill this… gap. I’m here, because I want to be the one who will give the help he so stubbornly refuses. He caught my hand in his sleep, you know. He was afraid… just like I used to.”

 

“So, you’re pitying him?” Ohno asked with narrowed eyes. He was pushing the other a bit too much; he knew it but couldn’t help it. He wanted to be sure that he was making the right decision with opening up to this man in front of him.

 

“I don’t pity him, Ohno-san. I _care_ about him. He made me feel human… and I guess, I want to show him, to make him believe that he’s worth of being human, too. I care about him. I really do. Simple as that.”

 

Ohno sighed. He could hear it; the honesty in Sakurai Sho’s voice. “He’s been through a lot, Sakurai-san.”

 

“What are you to him, if I’m not too discreet?”

 

Ohno smiled for the first time. “I’m his boss and very good friend but I prefer to call myself his older brother.”

 

“You’re… not?”

 

“No, I’m not related by blood but to me he’s family.” He replied firmly.

 

He could see how attentively the other was listening to every single word. He knew he was breaking the promise he had made to Nino years ago but had to give it a try. He wanted to speak the truth to this man in front of him because it was him who made Nino show emotions for the first time in his life, had shaken him, had woken him up in a way… because he had told him his name… because he had defended him. But above all, because he could see that this man did mean his words. Maybe he could be the one who’d achieve what Ohno had been trying all these years in vain.

 

“I know him for twelve whole years, since he was only fifteen years old. I was twenty-two at the time.”

 

“Oh…” Ohno heard the other whispering, probably not knowing what else to say.

 

“He was the last child put under my guard/protection, if I can call it like that.”

 

“Wh… where… what was…?”

 

“I’m speaking of an orphanage. I used to be one of the children, too. Some of us were allowed to stay, even after we turned adults, under the condition we took care of a small group of children. I still had no money to live on my own, so I chose that option.”

 

“So, Nino…”

 

“Has no family.” Ohno finished the businessman’s phrase.

 

“I didn’t know that he was an orphan…”

 

“I’d dare to say that could be the best for him.”

 

“But-”

 

Ohno sighed before he drank some of his beer. “Do you have time? Because it’s a long story.” The nod he received as an answer was the approval Ohno waited. “Then listen,” he said with a smile. It was all or nothing.

 

\---

 

Nino couldn’t believe that he was actually seeing Sakurai Sho in the konbini. What was the other doing there? It was far from the other’s house… His heartbeat accelerated dangerously seeing him standing near the entrance with his eyes locked on him. After what looked like an eternity, he saw him going to one of the back corridors before approaching with a cup of instant ramen in hands. Nino’s heart clenched. All he could think of was that he wasn’t eating properly. Couldn’t this Matsumoto Jun take proper care of him?

 

He tried to stay calm and show no emotion when the cup was placed in front of him, and ignore the shudder he felt the moment their hands brushed against one another. The other insisted on being silent, and Nino didn’t know whether he liked that or not. The same way he didn’t know whether he liked the fact that he saw him in the konbini or not. There, it was a part of his shitty life… where Sakurai Sho had no place.

 

“That would be 450 yen,” he mumbled with a trembling voice.

 

He saw a note of 1000 yen be given to him. The other had _once again_ said nothing. “Here’s your change.”

 

“Won’t you look at me?” The question was spoken hesitantly, almost in a whisper.

 

Nino felt his throat getting dry. How much had he missed this voice? He took a deep breath before looking at the man. Now, that he threw him a closer look, he looked… tired, the dark cycles under his eyes accentuating his state. “Is there anything else you want?” he tried in vain to keep on his professional mask to hide the stress.

 

“As a matter of fact, yes.”

 

“I’m… listening…”

 

“Why did you leave without saying goodbye?”

 

Nino’s mouth fell open and closed several times while his mind was trying desperately to find a proper answer. He didn’t know if he expected such a bold question… At the state he was in, that moment, he didn’t know _what_ to expect.

 

“Be… cause it was time for me to… And now excuse me.” He turned to go to the small storage room, not being able to confront Sakurai Sho, when he flinched in pain, letting out a short painful moan. He had put more weight on his foot than he could.

 

His hand, instinctively, went to find the cashier to hold on to something just to find an obstacle. It was Sho’s arm that had come to catch him. Suddenly, the other was too close. His body, hot, emitting the usual scent of discreet cologne.

 

“Please…”

 

“You’re still limping. Why did you leave, Nino?” The question was repeated. Nino tried to avoid looking at the other when a hand came under his chin, making him to look up and meet those eyes he found so beautiful. “Why?”

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, there will be the first revelations concerning Nino's past.  
> In previous chapters, there were hints as reflected in his actions or choice of words.  
> It's obvious that he'd had a difficult one.  
> I mention this in advance since I was critisized before for not adding chapter notes or "warnings" in this fic.  
> I hope you like it and understand Nino a little better!

 

 

Nino squeezed his eyes unable to keep the eye-contact. He was still in the businessman’s arms; he could still feel the latter’s hot breath on his skin and that was almost excruciating for him… because he wanted to press his body closer, lock his arms around the firm waist, ask him to keep him like this… but he couldn’t.

 

“Please, Nino…”

 

Nino bit his lower lip. There was sadness and desperation reflected on these words. He lowered his head once the hand disappeared from under his chin. His heart was jumping in his chest, its rhythm being almost painful. He was trying to find the right words to articulate but it was in vain; the other had made both his mind and body freeze.

 

“Why?” The same question again.

 

Nino knew he had to say… something… “Because I… had to…”

 

“Is this the most convincing excuse you can come up with?”

 

Nino pushed the older man backwards freeing himself, before he turned his gaze to him. “It is the truth, Sakurai-san.”

 

“I’m not asking you why you left. Although, I can see you’re not properly healed…” a sigh escaped from the back of Sho’s throat before he continued. “I’m asking you why you left without even saying goodbye?”

 

“I…”

 

“Do you know how I felt when I came back to find you gone?”

 

“I… left a note…” Nino tried his luck to sound careless but he was lying, and he knew it. The same way he could tell the other knew it, as well.

 

“I had gone to buy us hamburgers… That night… I guess I wanted to… apologize…”

 

Nino couldn’t believe his ears. The other wanted to apologize? What for?

 

“Listen, Sakurai-san, I appreciate the fact that you were so kind to me. I really mean it, but, please, there was nothing to apologize for…”

 

He had noticed how the businessman flinched at the sound of his surname. Nino knew he was putting a distance between them… a distance unwanted but necessary for him. He had to distance himself; he had to overcome the need to be closer to the other.

 

“So, I’m Sakurai-san…” Sho didn’t dare to look the other in the eye. “I always wondered that… how you’d call me, since you always avoided it at home… I…” he took a deep breath before he stepped back, making the distance between them bigger.

 

“Please…” Nino begged. He couldn’t tell exactly what he begging for; the other to stop making it more difficult for him? To not give him the impression he could have a chance? “Stop… I’m… fine… I really… I mean _really_ appreciate your concern and everything you’ve done for me. It’s way more than I could have ever expected or deserve. But I’m doing fine.”

 

“Uhm… I see…” Sho mumbled awkwardly taken aback. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry if I brought you in a difficult position. Maybe I pushed it more than I should have, I didn’t mean it. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable… like I’m guessing you’re feeling right now. I sometimes don’t know where to stop; how to approach people…” he let out a bitter chuckle. “Maybe it’s why not many people want to do anything with me…”

 

The latter phrase was whispered under his breath but it made Nino gasp. He hadn’t expected it… He felt guilty.

 

“I can see that you’re doing well.” The other man continued on the same sad tone. “And I’m happy for that. Sorry for appearing like this to your workplace… It… won’t happen again.”

 

Nino was seeing the businessman walking towards the door, and he had almost reached it when he called out his name. “Sakurai-san!”

 

Sho turned his head, frowning when he saw Nino hurrying towards him, standing in front of him.

 

“I admit I was shocked to see you here… but… I…”

 

“What, Nino?”

 

Nino’s jaw trembled. He could feel tears filling up his eyes. He was torn between fear and guilt; fear of asking the other not to go, telling him the truth, and guilt for making think that way of himself.

 

“I…” That ‘I’ came out weak, trembling… hesitant. And then he felt them, hot tears running down his cheeks.

 

“Nino? What’s going on?”

 

Nino opened his mouth but no sound came out. He heard a sound of a bag falling on the ground, right before two hands came to cup his face, making him feel weaker, more vulnerable.

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

He didn’t reply; he couldn’t. He was pulled into a hug, a mouth ghosting on top of his head, just like that night at the latter’s home. His arms came to close a bit higher than the waist. It was what Sho needed to tighten his hold around him, pressing him firmly against him.

 

Nino couldn’t count how many minutes had passed by. He couldn’t when the other was so close to him. He was inhaling deeply; trying to memorize the sensation, the scent… everything.

 

“Why do you insist on pushing me away?”

 

“Because I have to.” The words came out automatically.

 

“But _why_?” Sho insisted, making Nino look up at the other, probably the first time from this close.

 

“I’ve brought you enough trouble, Sakurai-san.” He said honestly. He knew he had. “You’re not the first… believe me. You found me beaten and abandoned… You’ve seen my marks… I’m sure you’re a smart person. These alone were enough to name me trouble, and it happened. You know it did; at work… with people important to you… I know it, too, which is why I decided it was time for me to leave. Why to postpone something inevitable? Your life and mine are too different.”

 

“It didn’t seem to me that way when we were watching TV or when we were having dinner together.” Nino bit his lower lip. “Why did you cry?”

 

“Please, Sakurai-san, go. My boss will be coming in any minute and I don’t want to find us that way and misunderstand.”

 

“Is that so?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What I hear is an excuse to avoid answering my question.”

 

“It’s not… Please, Sakurai-san. Please!”

 

Nino saw the businessman sighing defeated. “I’ll leave but remember, you can’t fool me, Nino; the same way you can’t fool yourself.” The other caught the bag and turned around to leave. “And you didn’t bring me trouble. You gave me the chance to do something meaningful for the first time in my meaningless life. I swear, I’ll make you realize it, sooner or later.” And with that he left.

 

Nino saw his silhouette walking away in the darkness and subconsciously, opened the door. He had made a few steps when he realized there was no point in following the other, nor in stopping him. What could he say? He heard a car engine a few meters away and then the throttle being pressed. Finally, the car moved turning right at the first corner. Soon, it was completely silent. With a heavy sigh, he went back to the konbini, his body slightly trembling.

 

He was still lost in his thoughts when suddenly, he heard Ohno Satoshi’s voice next to him, startling him.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

“Eh? Ah… ye… yes.’

 

“You certainly don’t look like it.”

 

Nino sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I’m fine, just a little tired.”

 

“I’d say you look rather… shaken… Did something happen while I was away?”

 

“Eh? No. No. Nothing happened!”

 

“If you insist… You’re free to go.”

 

“But my shift isn’t over yet.”

 

“Yes, but I’d suggest you take some rest. I can handle the one or two customers that may appear at this hour.”

 

“Thank you.” Nino mumbled and hurried to the storage room to take off his konbini shirt. Once he came back, he found Ohno behind the cashier.

 

“And Nino?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Don’t stay narrowminded.”

 

“What?”

 

“Just a small piece of advice. Now, go and stay out of trouble, ok?”

 

Nino gave a small nod, still frowning. What could the other mean by that?

 

***

 

Sho entered in his apartment, banging the door behind him. He didn’t know if he had done the right thing to visit him at work, but couldn’t help it. After everything Ohno Satoshi had told him, he felt an urge to go and find him. He didn’t know what he expected from this encounter. In the beginning, he’d thought he’d made the wrong choice. It had hurt him to hear Nino call him ‘Sakurai-san’. It felt… so proper and above all so… cold; as if they were two complete strangers. Then, he saw hesitance and vulnerability in the other’s eyes and body language. Once again, he hadn’t pushed him away when he hugged him. It was only with his words that he tried to enlarge the distance between them.

_Defense…_ Sho thought as he took off his tie and unbuttoned the top of his shirt, right before he fell on the sofa in his living room. All he could think of was that unfinished sentence; it still lingered in his mind. _And those tears…_ Nino wanted to tell him something… Something he was afraid of uttering… Once again, they had said more when they didn’t speak; as if the language was a barrier in their communication rather than a helping mean. He let his head lean back and closed his eyes. He could still feel the hotness of the other’s body… making him only desire to keep him so close to him forever.

 

Ohno had asked him to not give up and keep his faith in Nino… Something in the other man’s tone hinted there might be a chance the other had feelings for him... he couldn’t be sure if they were romantic but they were there… The sight of Nino staring at his car outside the small konbini right before he left was enough to convince him to not give up. They hadn’t managed to talk… _really talk_ , but Sho was determined to try and open Nino’s eyes. He couldn’t judge him for having lost his faith in people. It’d be weird, if he actually had. He was human… and he didn’t deserve to have experienced any of this shit he had.

 

“I won’t give up on you, Ninomiya Kazunari… No matter how much time it takes. I’ll make sure you see yourself the way you should. I swear it!”

 

***

 

Still influenced by the businessman’s unexpected appearance at the konbini, Nino was wandering aimlessly around the streets without really paying attention where he was. He needed to put his thoughts in order… to understand what Sakurai Sho had meant with his last words… Ohno’s words… his wishes… He had never felt more confused in his life.

 

He sighed when he realized there was someone’s shadow in front of him, as if this someone was standing in front of him, blocking his way. Immediately, his senses alarmed. He looked up gasping when he came across a familiar, yet unwelcome, figure. His eyes focused on the other’s face which was decorated with an evil smirk.

 

_Shit…_

“Well, well, well… Look who’s here!” the young man in front of him told him, gaining the mocking laughs from his friends that appeared from behind the bushes.

 

“Did you miss us, Ninomiya?”

 

Nino made a couple of steps backwards. He had promised Ohno to stay out of trouble, yet he hadn’t paid attention to where he was going or whom was he coming across to.

 

“What? Cat got your tongue?” The other continued with the same tone, as he came dangerously close to Nino. “What happened? Did the rich old man who saved you that night already get bored?” Nino gulped. He tried to look where the others were when a hand made him look in front of him. “When I speak, you pay attention only to me.” Nino let out a shaky moan when the pressure turned too much. “Now, answer me. Weren’t you good enough? Where’s your talent gone?” the other came closer to him, so that their mouths were only a few centimeters apart. “From what _I_ remember, you were quite eager to please, sissy… always happy to offer your little butt to me. Quite… entertaining despite being nothing more than a bet… or rather joke.”

 

Another load of mocking laughs. Nino closed his eyes tightly. No, he wouldn’t give him the pleasure to see him cry. Not this time. He had cried in the past… a lot… but this time, he wouldn’t.

 

“And I remember someone finishing too fast _for being nothing more than a bet… or rather a joke_.” Nino replied mimicking the other’s tone.

 

The other looked at him with frowned eyes before he burst into laughs. “Ah! The little puppy barked! That was refreshing, Ninomiya… But don’t think too high of yourself, dear!” the other said as he threw his left hand around Nino’s shoulders tugging him close to him, his mouth having found Nino’s right ear. “Think of yourself like a fuck doll. You see, back then we were teenagers. I would certainly have preferred to fuck a vagina but I couldn’t say no to an asshole offered to me so willingly.” The hand traveled south… from Nino’s back to his butt, groping him painfully. “It’s made to be screwed.”

 

Nino took a deep breath before he pushed the other away with as much force as he had. “FUCK YOU!” he screamed at the top of his lungs and started running, as fast as his legs could carry him. He needed to get out at the main street. Maybe, there, he’d escape from them. He could hear them cursing as they followed him. Normally, he wouldn’t reply. He would stay and accept their insulting comments, their beatings. But this time, it felt different. He couldn’t allow it; As if, out of the blue, he had enough. He saw a bus coming. He ran faster. He had to get away. He made desperate signals to the driver who caught sight of him.

 

Ten seconds later, he was inside the bus, panting. He saw the others making gestures but couldn’t care less. He was safe.

 

“Excuse me, Sir, which bus is this?”

 

“The 91.”

 

“It goes to the metro station, right?”

 

“Yes.’ The driver replied.

 

“Thank you.”

 

He went to sit at the back of the bus avoiding the few passengers’ curious gazes. He let his eyes look outside. His leg hurt but nothing close to his heart; not because the other’s words had hurt him, but because it was reminded to him once again one of the reasons he was not worth of falling in love with someone like Sakurai Sho, and why the latter was wrong.

 

\---

 

 

_Eleven years ago…_

_“Hey!”_

_Nino looked upwards surprised to find one of the older boys standing next to him._

_“May I sit?”_

_“Of… course…” he mumbled not knowing what to expect._

_“You don’t sound like you mean it…”_

_“No. Uhm… you can sit, Misuhara-kun.”_

_“Thank you, Ninomiya-kun. There’s something I want to give you.”_

_Nino frowned. “What?” It was that moment that he felt a pair of hot lips attaching softly to his cheek. He blushed, his heart beating faster._

_“You are really cute, Ninomiya-kun.”_

_“I…” What was he supposed to say?_

_“I like you, I mean **really** like you.” The other continued as if had heard nothing. _

_“Eh?” Nino’s eyes bulged. He knew he was gay… It was years that he had discovered it and was fine with it, but he also knew that everyone else wasn’t… or at least, almost everyone else. He would always receive mocking comments from the boys at school and at the orphanage, and now, one of the older ones, one of the most handsome boys of the orphanage was telling him that he liked him._

_“Would you like to go at the movies during our free time, this Saturday?”_

_Nino would swear his face was redder than fire. “You mean…”_

_“I’m asking you on a date, you little moron. So? Do you accept?”_

_Nino gulped but nevertheless nodded._

_“Yes!” The other exclaimed, smiling widely. “You know, I wanted to come and talk to you for quite a long time now, but I was hesitating… I’m glad I decided to finally find the courage to say it!” Another kiss was placed on his cheek, this time a little closer to his mouth. “It will be our little secret!”_

_~.~.~_

_Nino covered his mouth as the other kept pounding in him. They were in one of the less visited toilet cubicles at the orphanage._

_“Fuck… so tight…” The other growled and with that finished. Nino was still panting; he hadn’t found relief and hoped, this time, his boyfriend would touch him._

_He turned around to find the other zipping up his jeans. “Thank you, as always…” and with that he left. Nino tried to push every negative thought away as he wrapped his hand around himself._

_‘I’m just overthinking…’_

_They were going out for four months now. And it wasn’t that he was complaining… but after that afternoon at the movies they hadn’t been on any other dates. He knew the other was finishing high-school, and was busy but somehow, every time they met in secret in the orphanage they’d end up having sex. It wasn’t that it was bad but… something was missing, even if he couldn’t put it in words._

_~.~.~_

_“How did you write?” Nino asked his boyfriend the moment he saw him coming back from school. He couldn’t wait for later. He was nervous._

_“Good.” The other replied before he leaned closer so that he could whisper in Nino’s ear. “And now I demand my reward.”_

_Nino was led to his boyfriend’s dormitory. In the orphanage, they were sleeping in large rooms of six beds each. The moment the door closed Nino was led in the middle of the room and pushed on his knees._

_“Do your magic, baby…”_

_Nino looked up at the other and smiled. He knew how much his boyfriend liked it when he was giving him a blowjob, and he wanted to make him feel good. They hadn’t seen each other much during these past few weeks due to the other’s university entrance exams._

_The moment his hand went to his boyfriend’s pants button it hit him. “What if someone comes? They’ll discover-”_

_A finger was pressed on his mouth hushing him. “They are out partying. I didn’t stay because I wanted to see you. I have missed you…”_

_“Yuichi-kun…”_

_“Less talking and more performing… C’mon. Hurry!”_

_Nino didn’t speak again. He focused on his task, enjoying the way he heard the other moaning. He didn’t complain when the other pushed him on the ground and entered him with almost no preparation. It was a bit painful but he was becoming one with the person he was in love with, and that was enough for him to relax. Little by little, the pain gave its way to pleasure. He closed his eyes to feel it to his core. He was getting closer when he thought he heard something like a door opening. He froze._

_“Yuichi-kun! They’re-”_

_“Shut up!” the other growled, his hands keeping him by the hips in place._

_Nino’s heart clenched. There was something different in the way his boyfriend had spoken to him; something… hostile._

_“Oh my God! Yuichi! You were right! He does moan like a little whore!”_

_“He really likes it!”_

_“Yeah!”_

_And then laughs. And then more laughs. Nino stopped breathing. He had heard it… Yuchi’s laugh among those of the others… Nino’s ears started buzzing suddenly, making the sounds come from far away… as if he wasn’t there. After a minute, he was thrown on the floor._

_“Told you the sissy was a good fuck! And he’s so thin that with a little imagination, it was easy to fantasize that I was screwing some chick!”_

_More laughs were heard... insulting, mocking. Nino couldn’t stay there anymore. He pulled up his trousers, the best he could in his state, and ran out of that room. With a blurry sight, due to his heavy tears, he entered in his dormitory, luckily, finding no one inside. He fell on his bed, his gaze locking on the gray ceiling. He was a fool… the biggest fool to have believed he could be accepted and what is more…, loved. Everyone only wanted to have their way with him… he must have taken his lesson… but it seemed he hadn’t. He curled up to side, not wanting to talk to anyone. He was abandoned once again… He knew he shouldn’t have felt it as harsh as before but stubbornly the pain was there… different but also so similar._

_He sighed. ‘I just have to accept that I’m useless…’_

 

\---

 

“If only you knew my past, Sakurai Sho…” he mumbled to himself as he looked out of the bus window in the dark night. “If only…”

 

***

 

_Two weeks later…_

 

 

“Again?”

 

Sho avoided to meet his friend’s interrogating gaze.

 

“Sho! Hey, Sho! I’m speaking to you!”

 

“I’m not deaf, Jun.” Sho replied when he pressed the number -2 once inside in the elevator.

 

“Yet you pretend to be one. Answer me! It’s been more than a month already!”

 

“I will do whatever it takes.”

 

“You’re practically stalking the guy!”

 

“I want to understand his lifestyle better. He won’t let me get closer… But I can’t do differently. I won’t allow those bastards or any other bastard touch one piece of his hair again! So, if that means I need to check on him from afar, I will!”

 

“Why won’t you talk to him?”

 

“I’ve visited him thrice, Jun. Thrice! When I had told him, I wouldn’t… Each time turning worse. The last time, he gave me the receipt and without saying a single word went to the small room at the back.”

 

“Why didn’t you follow him? He couldn’t escape from there.”

 

“First, he wasn’t alone. There was also his co-worker. I didn’t want to bring him in a difficult position or raise unnecessary questions. And second, I cannot put pressure on him. I don’t want him to talk to me because he feels cornered or obliged to. I almost ruined it with my visits. I don’t plan on ruining it again.”

 

“And you’ll continue like that? That’s your plan?”

 

The elevator doors opened at the garage. “For the moment, yes, Jun, that’s my plan. And now, excuse me but I have to go. Give my greetings to Masaki-kun!”

 

Sho didn’t wait for Jun’s answer. He hopped into his car driving towards the small konbini. He knew what he was doing wasn’t the best but couldn’t let the other be in trouble. He had seen the bruise on Nino’s face when he had visited the konbini the second time. The other didn’t want to talk to him and by force he’d succeed nothing. He had to keep an eye on him; make sure he stays out of trouble. For almost four weeks, now, he was happy to see that Nino was ok and would stay at home when not working. He had almost reached his destination when he heard his phone buzzing.

 

“Ohno Satoshi?” he muttered to himself confused as he pulled over to answer the call. “Yes? Ohno-san?”

 

“ _Sakurai-san? Are you at work?_ ”

 

“No, I’ve finished.” Sho answered immediately, his heartbeat rising. The other sounded worried.

 

“ _Thank God. Look, something must have happened today. Nino didn’t come at work, neither did he reply any of my calls. He also ignored my texts. Ikuta-kun just informed me that he invited him to join him to a clubbing night. I would go there myself, but I’m alone today, so, I’d have to close the konbini, and I thought that maybe you would be the best to-_ ”

 

“I’ll go.” Sho said cutting the other man off. “Just send me the address.”

 

“ _I trust you, Sakurai-san._ ” Sho knew well what the other meant behind these words.

 

“I’ll make sure he’s fine, Ohno-san. Don’t worry”

 

“ _Thank you._ ”

 

Sho pressed the throttle with force once he had the address, his hands clenching on the stirring wheel. _Ni-chome…? What the hell are you thinking, Nino?_

 

\---

 

Sho found himself entering a small club in a dark dead-end alley. Certainly, it wasn’t one of the flashy clubs and bars that comes to mind when someone thinks of Ni-chome. This was rather a secluded one… he’d dare to name it even underground.

 

He had taken off his suit jacket and tie, in order not to attract too much attention. He looked around trying to distinguish figures as the neon lights were spinning around in a crazy rhythm, making the club look even more chaotic. There were people who were more or less hooking up in public, drunk, while others were dancing and laughing in an exaggerating way that made Sho guess it wasn’t only because of the alcohol but something far more dangerous. The suffocating was another proof.

 

He made it through the supposed-to-be dancefloor with difficulty as he had to push aspiring dancing mates aside, and endure touches on his lower part of his body. He tried not to think much of it, it wasn’t worth it anyway, and stay focused on his task which was to find Nino. He went to check the bar, but still no sight of him. There was only a couple of two young men, one on the other’s lap, going at it. Sho sighed.

 

“Where are you, Nino?” he whispered torn between exasperation and despair.

 

The more he stayed in that place, the more his heart was beating faster and faster. He didn’t like it. Why would the other seek a night out at such a club, in which it was clear that everyone was looking for nameless sex? No. The right word for it could only be fuck. He had lived with Nino and knew that the other wasn’t someone who’d accept it simply like that. He had been warned of not trying to have his way with him. Or… could it be just him? Sho shook his head to get rid of the last thought that had crawled into his mind. No… Nino wasn’t someone like this. To be in such a place… meant something had happened; something big. These people were trying to escape from reality. Sho bit his lower lip as he headed to the back of the club in hopes of finding him. Nino must have wanted the same. He looked around but still no sight of him. _Has he already left?_

 

He was about to go to the toilets when someone bumped onto his back with force. He turned around, ready to start cursing, just to be left with his mouth agape. His eyes met a familiar pale face and bleached hair. _Nino…_

 

“You!” the smaller man came closer letting his hand come and touch Sho’s cheek; a touch that made the businessman gulp. “It _is_ you…!” A playful smirk was written on Nino’s lips, as his hand brushed the half-parted lips moving lower, caressing feather-like his neck, his collarbones, feeling Sho’s torso over the shirt, until it finally found his hand, taking it in his.

 

Sho was as if time had stopped. He couldn’t register what he was doing. Out of the blue, he found himself following Nino in the middle of the dancefloor hypnotized. It felt as if he was under a spell, not being able to react neither when the other threw his arms around his neck, nor when he pressed his body firmly against his, his mouth almost touching his ear.

 

“Dance with me, _Sho_ …”

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

 

Sho had lost track of time. Feeling the other this close, having heard him calling him Sho and not Sakurai-san was enough to make him close his eyes and get lost to the rhythm of the music. The other’s hands were resting right above his trousers, his fingers attached to his leather belt, while the hips were moving sensually to the rhythm.

 

“You… like… me…?”

 

Was it a question? Was it a statement? Sho couldn’t decide but little did it matter. What mattered was that he had to stop. Not only was he doing something he shouldn’t in the first place, but also was turning hard.  He took a deep breath before unlocked Nino’s arms from around his waist, holding them firmly.

 

“You’re coming with me.”

 

“But we’re having fun…!” The other whined. “ _You_ are having fun… I can _tell_ that you do…! So, why to spoil it? The night is still young!”

 

Sho didn’t reply. He just pulled him towards the exit. With the air hitting his face, Sho managed to come down to his senses completely and calm himself down. He hadn’t expected things to turn that way… neither had he thought of himself as someone this weak… but then again, he was only human; a human in love with this very person who came and hit on him. He sighed. It was obvious that the other wasn’t his normal self. Nino was drunk… that was a fact. What Sho hoped was that he was only that. The smell of substances, he had felt inside the club, was thick…, making him worry. He looked at the man next to him, still slightly unfocused.

 

 _Damn, Nino, what were you thinking?!_ he thought and sighed. The other was glued on him like leech, unable to stand on his own feet. Sho had one arm under Nino’s armpits so that he could hold him steadily until his car which was parked three blocks away. He placed the latter carefully in his car and drove to his apartment. It seemed like a déjà-vu to him as he checked on the other through his rearview mirror. Nino was lying down on the back seat, almost asleep.

 

“What will I do with you?” he mumbled under his breath, as he brought his attention back to the road and to the red light, one hand on the gear shift.

 

“Dance with me… I liked it…” the words came out as a whisper.

 

Sho’s eyes bulged. He hadn’t expected an answer. He looked at the other to understand if he was fully awake or not but couldn’t really see his face, as he was turned on his back with his legs folded close to his torso. A sigh came out of his lips but chose not to comment. He focused on the road, not daring to throw another glance.

 

By the time Sho arrived at his house, the other was asleep. He managed to hold him in the air, closing the car door with his foot, and locking the doors automatically by pressing the button of the keys he had in one hand. It was a difficult task but a few minutes later, he was finally entering inside his apartment. He brought Nino to the sofa and hurried to bring an empty bucket in case the other needed it. It wouldn’t surprise Sho at this state.

 

 He changed into casual clothes and hurried to the living room. The other was still asleep. He prepared some tea and went to sit on the small table in front of him. The dark cycles underneath Nino’s eyes were more evident than he remembered.

 

_What has happened, Nino?_

 

He buried his face to his palms and tried to keep any unwanted thoughts away. It was obvious that something had happened but the question was _what_?

 

A groan made him look up at Nino. The latter had opened his eyes, frowning.

 

“Where am I?” his voice hoarse, as he spoke.

 

“In my apartment.”

 

Nino let out a chuckle that, Sho believed, he had wanted to be sound carefree. “You must have missed me a lot!”

 

“I have.” Sho replied in a serious tone causing the other to look at him with wide eyes. “But that’s not the reason why I brought you here.” Nino tried to sit up but immediately fell on his back, probably because of the nausea he was feeling. “ _That’s_ the reason…” Sho pointed out as he leaned over him to make sure he’s ok.

 

“You… didn’t have to.”

 

“But I had to. And you know it.” Sho continued on the same tone.

 

Nino chose to say nothing in return. He closed his eyes, remaining hushed, before he flinched his hands wrapping around his stomach.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

“My stomach feels like a washing machine in the spin program.”

 

“That… I can tell… Here…” Sho helped him to sit up but Nino refused the bucket.

 

“Not here. Bathroom.”

 

Sho hurried him to the closer bathroom, the small WC for the guests. It hurt him to see the other being like that.

 

“G… go away!”

 

Nino was pushing him away with as much power as was left in him but Sho wouldn’t do him this favor. He made sure his hair was away from his face with one hand while the other was rubbing up and down his back.

 

“It’s ok.”

 

It wasn’t the most pleasant thing but couldn’t leave him alone in there. The other was still too weak to stay on his own. After a while, Nino fell backwards.

 

“Are you feeling better?” Sho asked happy to see Nino nodding. He flushed and took the younger man out. He brought him to the bathroom in his own bedroom. “C’mon, you can sit here on the bathtub and have a quick shower. It will help clean your mind. Also, in here,” Sho said as he pointed at the small cupboard next to the mirror, “you can find a new toothbrush. Wash your teeth to take away the bad taste. I’ll be right outside. Call me if you need anything. Ok?”

 

The other again responded with only a nod.

 

Sho smiled at him and got out closing the door. Once he could hear the water falling from inside, he hurried to the small wc by the entrance to clean it. He had just finished when he heard Nino calling him.

 

“Yes?” he asked as he entered in his bathroom.

 

“There’s no… uhm… towel…” Nino whispered, sounding much soberer than before.

 

“Ah… the stupid… a sec…”

 

Sho opened his closet and found one freshly clean bathrobe; the birthday present that he had received from Jun. “That will be fine…” he muttered to himself.

 

He went back to the bathroom and gave it to Nino avoiding to look at him. “I’ll choose a pair of… boxers and… some… clothes.” He said awkwardly.

 

“O…k…” the other replied in a tiny voice.

 

Was it Sho’s imagination or Nino was speaking in a similarly awkward way? He shook his head fast.

 

“It’s probably your imagination…”

 

He had just placed on his bed a black T-shirt when he realized Nino was standing next to him, his eyes locked on the clothes. Sho’s lips curved into a shy smile, seeing him in his bathrobe. It was a little big for him but that was what made him look so damn cute.

 

“I still haven’t returned the clothes… And now, you’re lending me more.”

 

“I don’t care about the clothes, Nino.”

 

“Of course, you wouldn’t; you have too many of them.”

 

“No. Because it’s you. You can keep them; the same way, you can keep these, too!”

 

Nino looked at him, a little frown marking his forehead. “I don’t deserve it… any of it…”

 

Sho sighed. He turned on his side so that he could look Nino in the eye. He made the other turn as well, so that he couldn’t avoid his gaze. “But you do.”

 

Nino let out a bitter chuckle. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know me; you don’t know my story.”

 

“I…” Sho was about to speak when he realized he couldn’t. Ohno Satoshi had spoken to him confidentially. He bit his lower lip not knowing how to continue.

 

“I know that you’ve spoken with Ohno. This man’s just too stubborn.” Nino said in a rather casual way, making Sho look at him with wide eyes. “You appeared at the konbini… And every time you did, he would mysteriously have some work to take care of. And then, tonight… You appeared at that shitty hole of club. I had only informed Ikuta-kun of my whereabouts, but it was _you_ who came instead.” Sho was about to speak but the other raised his hand, in a signal to remain silent. “I don’t judge him. A part of me expected that he wouldn’t leave it like that. The problem is, though, Sakurai-san, that even Ohno doesn’t know the whole truth. No one does. I have kept it buried deep inside me, because even remembering it makes me sick. But the thing is that no matter what Ohno believes, what you believe, I know better how much I deserve! Allow me to be the one to evaluate myself!”

 

“But you can do nothing to change what I believe about you, Ninomiya Kazunari. You may see someone who’s worth nothing. I see a man who’s hurt; afraid; in denial to feel human because no one ever gave him the chance to. I may not know everything but I know that you deserve to be loved.”

 

“I-”

 

“I told you when I came to the konbini. I’ll make you feel human, the way _you_ made _me_ feel human.”

 

“Do you say that because you want to have your way with me? And don’t try to deny it. I felt it… at the club… it may have been a blur but I could tell that you were showing some interest!”

 

“I _am_ attracted to you…”

 

“So, you admit i-”

 

“…because I have fallen in love with you.”

 

Nino tried to free himself from Sho’s grip but couldn’t. “Bullshit. That’s pure bullshit.”

 

Sho took Nino’s right hand and placed it on top of his heart. “Is it? I know it’s crazy… but it happened… You made me smile; you made me feel more alive than ever in this determined and perfectly programmed life of mine. You came and showed me how life should be.”

 

“You can’t…” Nino whispered in a trembling voice as tears filled his eyes. “We can’t…”

 

Sho couldn’t believe his ears. Had Nino just said that _they_ couldn’t? _We…_ Sho kept replaying the word in his mind again and again. _Then, it means that Nino was also…_

 

“Who says so, Kazunari?” Sho asked him, feeling his voice weaker. The other gasped at the sound of his first name. “I’m in love with you. I care about you and I know, now… I know that you care about me, too.”

 

“No. It’s-”

 

“Our choice, Kazunari.”

 

“Stop calling me that, Sakur-”

 

“In the club you called me Sho.”

 

“Please…” Nino whispered more and more defenseless.

 

“Look at me, Kazunari.” Sho whispered as he circled his one arm around Nino’s waist, bringing him closer. “You’ve told me that I’m a smart person. If I am one, then, I presume I can tell if someone’s worth it or not. And I’ve decided that you do. I wouldn’t have fallen in love if you weren’t.”

 

“Sak… S… Sho…”

 

Sho saw how Nino’s eyes were focused on his lips, mirroring him. He leaned closer, his eyes asking for permission. He was only a few centimeters away, his lips almost touching the others, when he stopped for a few seconds. In the slightest indication of refusal, he’d stop but that never came. He only saw Nino licking his lips, probably unconsciously, which was what he needed to know that he was allowed… allowed to do what he craved for, for almost one and a half months now.

 

The moment their lips met felt as if his whole body was electrified. He had meant it to be soft, reassuring, but couldn’t control the intensity the moment he felt Nino tilting his head, his arms wrapping around his nape, in an attempt to pull himself closer and deepen it. It was as if they were both suppressing their feelings and now, that they finally had the opportunity to express them freely, couldn’t control them anymore. Their bodies were the ones in charge, seeking for the warmth, the confirmation… all the longing, they kept hidden all this time. It was a mix of tenderness and sweetness, along with intensity and passion.

 

He could only leave a breathless moan when he felt the other parting his lips, allowing him to slip inside. He didn’t care if Nino was tasting too much like toothpaste at the moment. What mattered was that was Nino; they were linked together. This intimacy between them couldn’t be described with words. It was pure magic. Sho’s hands cupped Nino’s face to tilt it, wanting to dive deeper into that sensational hotness, to taste every single corner of the mouth so selflessly offered to him.

 

He dared to open his eyes for a split of second, just to capture the abandoned in the kiss face of Nino. It was the most beautiful sight his eyes had ever met. Nino was letting him take the lead, but he didn’t want that. He could feel Nino trembling when he encouraged him to act freely. It was obvious that the other was taken by surprise not expecting it. Probably, he was never allowed to be that way with previous lovers, which made Sho’s heart clench painfully, but he was not like them. Maybe they were jerks, whose only wish was to take, but he wasn’t one and never intended to be. This was something they shared. He didn’t wish only to take… he also wished to give… to show to the other that he could have him, however he wanted, because he had already won him…, way before he could realize it. They were two men, equal, who’d share a moment of ultimate – at least, for Sho – bliss.

 

He had stopped thinking. He couldn’t… He was only feeling; feeling how it was to keep the one he loved in his arms, knowing that his feelings were in a way returned… that this warmth inside was not experienced just from him. He moaned when he felt Nino’s hands, moving from his nape to his hair, getting lost in it, touching it in a way he had only dreamt of. It felt electrifying… amazing… perfect. But above all, it felt right. He was finally giving in the feeling, not in the logic, and for a change it felt more deliberating. 

 

He moved away only when he felt out of breath. He could tell his face was hot, flushed, his lips swollen, if he reflected a similar image to Nino’s one. He let his thumb brush over the lips before it went to caress feather-like his cheek. He was smiling. For the first time in his life, he was smiling with his whole heart, reminding nothing of all the pretentious, fake smiles he had to show to people. He noticed how the bathrobe had slightly opened on top revealing a part of Nino’s collarbones. His hands came to secure it close, covering Nino’s nakedness.

 

“Get dressed, now. I’ll go to the kitchen to prepare something light and boil water for fresh tea.”

 

The other only nodded. He didn’t meet Sho’s eyes, as if suddenly had turned completely shy. Sho smiled and pressed his lips softly on Nino’s forehead. He heard the surprised gasp that escaped from the other’s lips but chose not to comment. He didn’t want to bring him in a more difficult and awkward situation than he already was. Sho could tell he was confused… It may be because of a different reason but like him, the younger man was someone who’d keep a façade, who’d always wear a mask in front of people, and now, he had gotten rid of it, showing a piece of his real self and that was scary… Sho could understand. He threw him one last glance before he opened the door, finding him standing at the same spot while looking blankly down on the ground.

 

 _I will prove to you that you don’t have to worry…_ , Sho thought as he closed the door behind him.

 

Sho couldn’t believe it. He had called him Kazunari. The other had called him Sho. He had confessed that he was in love with him while the other hadn’t denied that he felt something similar. He had kissed him and he was kissed back.

 

It felt like a dream…

 

\---

 

“You came…” Sho whispered when he saw him walking reluctantly towards him. “Here,” he continued giving him a plate. “I’ve prepared a toast. It’s only with cheese and ham but I think it’s enough to help your stomach feel better.”

 

The other took it without saying a single word, nor looking at him. “You want to sit here or in the living room?”

 

“The living… room…” Nino answered with a soft voice, his lips biting the corner of his lips.

 

“Whatever you want.” Sho told him encouragingly.

 

They sat on the sofa, Nino curled up on one of its corners, in total silence. Sho was happy to see the other munching his toast, despite being lost in his thoughts. Half a minute later, the plates were on the small table, empty.

 

Nino was sipping his tea when he spoke out of the blue. “Have you thought that your… feelings… for me…,” the words came out as a whisper, “may be nothing more than confusion with pity?”

 

“Why do you insist on not believing me? Did the kiss we shared imply I pity you?”

 

“I said that you’re confused.” Nino insisted, his gaze lowered on his lap while his hands were holding the mug with the tea so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.

 

“Pity and concern are two different things, Kazunari. I never pitied you… not even when I found you beaten that night. You know, a friend of mine, argued that our encounter was meant to be… fate.” It was that phrase that made Nino turn his face to him, looking at him torn between being curious and surprised. “I think it was,” Sho continued, his gaze locking on Nino’s.

 

“Because from that first night, I cared about you. Pity is for those people who’re responsible for their fate… not for those who have tasted so much pain in their lives. You know… unconscious, you reached for my hand, when I was placing a wet cloth on your forehead, as if you were asking me not to leave. I realized how much you needed to feel someone by your side… and I don’t know… that small gesture clicked in me; All I know is I wanted to never leave your side. My motivation started out of my own experience but it was _you_ who made me want to try more. You’ve inspired me, because I realized what I’d been through was probably nothing comparing to you. Yes… I thought that even before I got to know something about you. And then, you started opening up, you laughed while watching TV.”

 

He took a deep breath before he continued talking. “I realized how much strength you hided inside, even if you were afraid to admit it; a strength that made me stronger as well. I admired you. It may have affected my job, as you said, but it was because I had no answers… I had no real means to help you… not because you affected me in any negative way. You gave me a meaning in my life. You made me feel… in a way I had never in my whole 32 years of life. I may sound like a dreamer, at least, naïve to you, but it’s my whole truth; raw; naked.”

 

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

 

“But I do.”

 

“I don’t deserve you… It’s… it’s madness…” the other whispered, moving awkwardly at his spot. It was obvious that he was getting awkward.

 

“Let me decide that for myself.”

 

“But-”

 

“I just want one thing.” Sho spoke, cutting him off in a gentle voice, his hand cupping Nino’s right cheek. The latter turned on his side, his eyes seeking to find the truth behind his words. “I want you to not think… not overthink… and believe in me and my feelings. I told you I wouldn’t love someone who didn’t deserve it.” Nino opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out. “Please, Kazunari…” Sho whispered the moment he realized Nino’s eyes were looking at him, glittering. His hand, that was still resting on the latter’s cheek, caressed the soft skin feather-like, to reassure him… to make him realize that he had nothing to fear.

 

“Sho… you don’t know what you’re saying…”

 

“Kazunari…”

 

“But you’ve seen them, haven’t you? My marks… I’m sure you know what kind of marks they are… You know that I’m someone-”

 

“Who deserves to feel treasured and loved and who has every right to be happy in this life.” Sho finished his words for him. “Ohno Satoshi cares about you. _I_ care about you. Do you really think we would if you weren’t worth it?”

 

Sho’s heart was pounding crazily in his chest. He could see how the other’s chin was trembling, ready to give in the sobs that were threatening to take over.

 

“Sho…”

 

Sho took the almost full-with-tea mug from Nino’s hands and wrapped his arms around him. “Shh… Cry if you want… Take it all out… But I promise you that no matter how much you doubt, fear, hesitate, I’ll make you see things from my point of view. I’ll make you see you the way I do. It doesn’t matter how much time it takes. I’ve made my decision.”

 

“You don’t know many things about me… Once you find out, you’ll get sick of me…”

 

Sho sighed. “I won’t change my mind, Kazunari. No matter what I find out. Because I know that you are a genuinely good person… Not always our choices reflect our true decisions… Sometimes, it’s the circumstances that force us.”

 

He could feel how the other’s grip on his parka’s sleeves tightened, as if his life was depending on it. That alone proved how much in need of human contact Nino was. He was a scared animal, abused his whole life, afraid of letting his heart feel. He tightened his hug in return. He’d make Nino see things differently. He had sworn it the day he found him again.

 

“I’ve found you, and I don’t intend to let you walk out of my life… ever again…” he whispered, closing his eyes.

 

They stayed like that, Nino now calm in Sho’s arms, until the latter’s phone vibrated.

 

“I bet that’s Ohno.” Nino whispered as he leaned back, freeing himself from Sho’s grip.

 

Sho cleared his throat. “Tell him that I’m here and that I’m ok. I’ve caused him enough trouble these past couple of months.”

 

“You’re not mad that I-”

 

“A part of me was… very much… but then, another part, smaller, was… happy…”

 

“Happy?” Sho felt his heart pounding louder.

 

“Yes… because I got to… see you…”

 

“Kazunari…”

 

“Reply to him.” Nino repeated as he stood up and took the plates and the mugs in his hands. “I’ll go and wash these.”

 

Once Sho had texted it Ohno, he came to find Nino in the kitchen, who was now drying his hands.

 

“Ready.”

 

“Thank you.” Sho said almost in a whisper. “Uhm… It’s… late… We should sleep…”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I’ll prepare the guest room for-”

 

“Can’t I sleep with you?” Nino’s question made Sho bulge his eyes in surprise. “I… don’t want to be alone tonight… I just want to be able to sleep… Being in your arms… I don’t know… it makes me feel peaceful… safe…”

 

Sho smiled, as he approached the other. “I also feel peaceful when I keep you in my arms, Kazunari.” The other flushed him a quick, shy smile which won Sho’s grin, right before the latter pecked the tip of his nose. “Cute. Come…” Sho had stretched his hand, his grin turning wider when Nino, hesitantly, put his in it, allowing him to lead him to his bedroom.

 

In a few minutes, they were both under the blankets. Nino had snuggled close to him, letting his head rest in the hook of Sho’s neck.

 

“I believe you will behave.”

 

Sho didn’t miss the hint of playfulness in Nino’s voice, making his heart flutter in happiness. He chuckled softly, before kissing the top of Nino’s head. “I promise you I will. Sleep, now…”

 

A few minutes later, he could feel Nino’s steady breath, landing hot on his chest, followed by the tiniest snore he had ever heard. “Sleep, my love…” he whispered, allowing his head to fall closer to Nino’s nesting him. His eyelids started feeling heavy. It had been a difficult day, full of surprises, anxiety and worry. Now, it felt like katharsis. He drifted into a deep sleep, so much needed.

 

\---

 

When Sho opened his eyes, he felt lighter. Frowning, he looked around just to find his bed empty.

 

“Kazunari!” he called out loud but no answer came.

 

He was about to get up when he saw a piece of paper folded on his bedside table. Had the other left again…? _But why?_

 

Why this time that he had opened up to him, confessed everything? He’d thought his words had reached him but it seemed that he had made a mistake. With trembling hands, he unfolded it, surprised to find a full-length letter.

 

 

**Sho**

**This night was the first night I slept without any nightmares chasing me. I woke up with a smile on my lips. Just seeing your sleeping face and being able to reach it and caress it was enough to make me feel… happy? Probably that’s the right word. Yesterday, I was reminded once again how useless I am… I felt so low of me… I wanted to forget who I was and why I was still living but then, you appeared. You and your words… With every one you uttered, you made my heart beat faster… It was as if everything was turned upside down and then, it was your kiss.**

**I need to confess something. When I was still staying at your apartment, one night, I had entered secretly in your bedroom. That night, I had stolen a kiss… It had made my head spin around but it wasn’t something you had given me. I guess I had fallen in love with you since then… It was why I left… I was afraid to stay more knowing that this wasn’t my life… But yesterday, you kissed me… and I felt like melting. I felt like crying. It was too much… unbearable… but somehow it also felt… right. This morning, waking up by your side felt right.**

**This is the reason why I left. Don’t misunderstand me, Sho. I didn’t escape. Somehow, you confused me. You made me wonder about myself and about my worldview… about everything I take for granted. I cannot believe when you tell me that I deserve to be loved… but on the other hand, a part in me wants to, yet is afraid…. Too afraid to let go of all my walls. I’m someone who’s broken, Sho. You don’t deserve someone broken. ~~I…~~ For the first time in my life, I want to try and find out if I’m capable of something else, something more. I don’t know if I’ll succeed in doing so, but what I know is that I want to try. If I am by your side, I want to be someone who’s really worth it; who believes in himself, who believes that he’s worth it… he’s worth being with you.**

**I don’t know where the road will lead me to. It’s an unknown path. I’m scared but I’m also determined to see how far I can reach. In doing so, though, I need to be on my own.**

**Know that I do love you, Sakurai Sho. I didn’t dare to admit it in front of you. I confess it, now.**

**And, please, take care of yourself. I want to know that you’re also doing your best. You told me that you think our encounter was fate… meant to be. I want to believe it myself, too, which is why I wrote you this letter.**

**Every word comes from the bottom of my heart.**

**Please, wait for me…**

**Kazunari**

***My cellphone number’s 8573569515. I will be expecting the photos of your dinner. Hope they’re not limited to instant ramen!**

Sho was left speechless. He hadn’t expected this. He was feeling sad, of course, but also… proud and… happy. Not only had the other told him that he loved him, loud and clear, but also that he wanted to try… for them.

 

“Kazunari…”

 

***

 

Nino was sitting on the small chair, his hands tapping his knees while he was waiting. He was nervous. The more he waited, the more he felt his heart pounding painfully hard in his chest. Had he made the right decision?

 

After what it seemed like an eternity, he heard the high-pitched voice of the nurse calling him.

 

“Ninomiya-san? You can enter. The doctor’s waiting for you.”

 

Nino muttered a thank you under his breath and stood up. He walked till the big wide door where he could see the sign clearly;

 

**Department of Psychiatry**

**Aiba Masaki, M.Sc., Ph.D.**

Entering in the room didn’t mean he was admitting he was crazy…but broken who wanted to put an end to it.

 

“C’mon, Nino. For him… and you…” he whispered trying to find the courage and pushed the door open.

 

This was for both of them.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more revelations on Nino's past in this chapter.  
> I know some things may be a bit heavy but I hope you'll enjoy it!

 

 

When he opened the door, he didn’t know what to expect but certainly couldn’t have imagined to find a young tall man, not older than 35 years old, in a white coat, sitting behind a large oval desk.

 

“Are you Ninomiya Kazunari?”

 

“Y… yes.”

 

“Please, take a seat.” The doctor said with a wide smile that took Nino by surprise. Weren’t the doctors supposed to be serious, hidden behind big glasses? “I’ll close the door, don’t worry.”

 

Nino sat awkwardly on the chair as told.

 

“So…” the doctor said as he searched his data based on the questionnaire Nino had filled when he had come to the hospital for the first time and asked for an appointment. “I see here that you suffer from anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. Hmm…” The doctor frowned a bit as he continued reading the information Nino had filled in. Nino knew it was about the other part… the way he felt about himself… that wasn’t simply a low self-esteem; it wasn’t depression either. Even if he was no expert, he could tell it was a combination of things. “Tell me… do you take medication? Or have you ever taken but stopped?”

 

Nino shook his head negatively. “I… was prescribed pills before but…”

 

“Never took them, I suppose?” The doctor finished his words for him.

 

“Yes…” Nino whispered lowering his head. This certainly wouldn’t make a good impression on the other. The truth was that Ohno had taken him to psychologists and psychiatrists before, but never had visited any of them for a second time; he always denied to take any pills prescribed for him. If he did, then, she would have proved right. That he was a freak. He couldn’t cope with that.

 

“It’s nothing to worry about, Kazunari-kun.” The doctor smiled when he saw his patient’s surprised gaze. “I hope you’ll allow me to call you by your first name. I want us to create a team and in order to do that successfully, we need to build a strong, solid bond. The politeness rules will only set a certain distance between us and this is something I wouldn’t want. Are you ok with it?”

 

“Uhm… yes… of course, sensei. You know better.”

 

The doctor laughed. “Alright then, Kazunari-kun. So…” he continued turning his gaze back to the information. “I see here that there have also been issues of self-harming.”

 

“These have stopped.” Nino suddenly jumped in wanting to prove to the doctor that he had managed to overcome something? No… most probably it was to prove to him that he was a step further.

 

“Really?” The doctor asked, clearly curious to hear more. “Kazunari-kun, I’m here to help you, not judge you. Don’t be afraid to speak, whenever you feel like it, simply do it. Interrupt me with no hesitance… whatever it might be. In here, you don’t have to hide anything, even if you consider it unnecessary, stupid, or of little worth. Sometimes, the key’s hidden in those small details… Ok?”

 

Nino nodded.

 

“So, you told me that you’ve stopped self-harming.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“For how long?”

 

“Uhm… Close to two months, now.” Nino whispered.

 

“That’s impressive, Kazunari-kun! And I mean that!” The doctor hurried to add when he caught the questioning gaze of his patient. “Did something happen?”

 

“I… I met someone…”

 

“Oh… Go on, please.”

 

“He saw them but didn’t comment; didn’t look away; didn’t look down on me either.” Nino mumbled his gaze on his lap, realizing for the first time how much that night had marked him. “It was strange… I was used to be judged and mocked for them but he hadn’t. I don’t know… I just didn’t want to have any more on my body. Does it make sense, Aiba-sensei?”

 

“It does, Kazunari-kun. Think of it this way. People are social by nature. We seek approval, acceptance, even if we do it without realizing it. It’s why when there’s a certain mode in fashion, everyone follows it more or less faithfully, to give you a simple example. We also respond to positiveness and not criticism. This person didn’t judge you, and that made you subconsciously want to thank him.”

 

Nino frowned. He had never thought of that.

 

“I believe he’s the reason why you’re here at this very moment, too?” The doctor asked with a gentle smile.

 

“Yes and no.” Nino replied in honesty. “He’s someone who has a very different opinion of me… His words… I don’t know… they had… an impact on me…? He just… made me wonder if I was the wrong one… I want to see if I can really see myself the way he does? So, I thought I had to try.”

 

“You know, Kazunari-kun? The first step to success in that is actually having the courage to enter this office. Psychiatrists are often called doctors for the crazy ones… which is totally wrong. When your stomach is aching and you’re having fever, you go to the pathologist, when you have issues with your eyes you go to the ophthalmologist, when your ear hurts, to otolaryngologist. Why can’t people accept that when your soul is aching you also need to seek help? Psychiatrist is a Greek word and means the doctor of the soul. We all have souls… not just those people who have mental issues but that’s another chapter. _You_ came here on your own. This person may have been the motive but not the reason. The reason is you. It’s _your_ choice to come here and face your demons and that alone means that you’re a strong person.”

 

Nino was left blinking. “I don’t feel strong, sensei, but… I want to be.”

 

The doctor flashed him a reassuring smile. “Together, we’ll do it. I won’t invent something that doesn’t already exist. I will help you discover this strength of yours and unlock it.”

 

Nino was astonished. The way this doctor spoke had made him forget all his nervousness, feeling relieved and as crazy as it may sound, even a little stronger.

 

“But in order to do that, we’ll have to hit the evil at its root… which will be painful… but we need to explore everything. I need to understand you, in order to help you.”

 

Nino gulped. “I… understand…”

 

“I want you to remember one thing, though, Kazunari-kun. I will never put pressure on you. We’ll go by your rhythm. If you feel it’s more than you can handle, we will stop, right at that moment. Ok?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You’re not alone. We’re together in this.”

 

Nino nodded. He could feel his heart pounding but the doctor’s presence was somehow reassuring.

 

“I read in your file that you grew up in an orphanage.”

 

“Yes, from the age of fifteen.”

 

“Was it an accident? Did you experience it, as well?”

 

“You mean my parents?” Nino asked sighing when he saw the nod. “I kind of… wish it was…” he continued whispering before he could control himself.

 

“You want to say that it wasn’t an accident? Did someone… kill your parents?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then, was it due to different causes? Did they perhaps face problems with alcoholism or drug use? Because I suspect from your age that they should have been very young…”

 

“Uhm… No… I mean… I don’t know if they’re dead…”

 

“You… don’t know?” the doctor asked looking at his patient with a small frown.

 

“My father?” Nino murmured with a small shrug of his shoulders. “I have no idea. He was never around. I don’t even know his name and to be honest I don’t care. My mother…? No one informed me of her death, so I suppose… she lives… somewhere…”

 

“You mean… she abandoned you…?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Did she face economic problems? Wasn’t anyone who could have helped you? Grandparents maybe?”

 

“Not that we were rich but it wasn’t such an issue. And no. There were no grandparents.” Nino was feeling his heart starting beating faster with every word he uttered.

 

“Then?”

 

“She…” Nino took a deep breath before continuing. “…couldn’t accept that her boyfriend was trying to have his way with her son… Her ego didn’t let her have a competitor, as she believed I was, in her own house.” Nino chuckled bitterly when he realized that the doctor wasn’t speaking. “Not that she had ever cared about me… but at least, she’d bear my existence…”

 

“Could you talk to me about the way she was with you before… all that…?”

 

Nino took a deep breath and continued on talking. Strangely, the moment he started speaking, it felt easier… a lot easier than he believed it would, so he kept going. He hadn’t noticed how his eyes were filled with tears, nor how much his voice was trembling. It was painful but liberating, as well. All these years, he was desperately trying to forget that his mother was never there to place a cloth on his forehead when he was ill, never read him a bedtime story, never passed time with him; never listened to him. What was more important was her love life. He was only a hindrance… The memories, the feelings kept coming, hitting him violently but didn’t stop. Then, he remembered how she made him ask from their landlady her understanding if they couldn’t pay the rent sometimes, because she knew the middle-aged woman had a soft spot for him. He had never liked it but there wasn’t much he could do… his mother would always remind him that he had to thank her for the food and place to sleep she was offering to him… He also remembered how she had called him ungrateful… how she wanted to exploit him into her advantage…

 

He stopped at some point, closing his eyes, in order to take a deep breath. The words were coming out of his mouth shaky and weak. He tried again; he wanted to continue but the doctor’s voice made him hush.

 

“Kazunari-kun, please, it’s more than enough. Here, have a glass of water. Take a break.”

 

Nino took the plastic glass placed in front of him with trembling hand, and drank the water in one go. He hadn’t noticed his throat had turned this dry.

 

“I…”

 

“I will be honest with you, Kazunari-kun. You truly amazed me. I could tell that you let your mind open, let everything out, and that’s good.” The doctor told him with a smile that showed he was proud of him, making him also feel a little proud of himself. “What I want us now is to discuss how you interpreted this behavior of hers towards you…The evolution of your feelings, if you want. Is that ok?”

 

“Yes, sensei.”

 

“Did you feel neglected?”

 

“In the beginning, I felt… sad… I only wanted my mother… After the first couple of years, though, I think I… got used to it.”

 

“What do you mean by that?”

 

“Eh?”  


“Even if you realized that her behavior wouldn’t change, this doesn’t mean that it still didn’t affect you. Did this feeling of need to feel her closer to you turned into anger? Sadness? Numbness? What?”

 

“Anger… I’d say…”

 

“Towards whom? Her or you?”

 

“Her… in the beginning, but she wouldn’t allow her puppy bark. It was then she started saying hurtful things to me…”

 

“I don’t need you to tell me now, what things she was saying to you. What I want to know is _how_ these things affected you? Did you speak back?”

 

“No. I knew I couldn’t do that. So, I did the only thing that was left to me. I got angry with everyone else… When I was seeing children laughing with their parents, I’d get angry… Why should they be happy when I couldn’t?”

 

“Ok… Go on…” the doctor whispered not wanting to make Nino lose track of his thoughts.

 

“But then… In the beginning of puberty, I realized I was… homosexual… She called me broken… sick… disgusting… How nature was proving her right… Some children realized it at school, because I had a crush for our PE teacher. They mocked me… called me names. It was the first time I thought that maybe she was right… Maybe she had a point, and I was just being stubborn, afraid of accepting the truth. But then… little by little the anger subsided… along with the pain it was bringing. I became… numb…? Maybe that’s the right word.”

 

“Numbness doesn’t appear simply like that… It means giving up… but that’s usually because something makes us…”

 

“She…” Nino’s hands were clenching into fists. “… told me that since I was this useless I could at least do something… for her… That was when I just stopped being angry… She…”

 

The doctor saw how the other had frozen. He remembered clearly saying how she wanted to exploit him, and he could already take a guess of what the other was about to say, but didn’t want to put on more pressure to him.

 

“Kazunari-kun?” Masaki said with a warm smile. “It’s enough for today.” Nino was still breathing fast, not being able to control himself. “Focus on my mouth,” the doctor continued as he tried to help his patient regulate his breathing.  “Look at me. One… Two… Inhale… Exhale… Follow me… Again…” he kept doing it until the other was finally fine. “Are you alright? Do you feel better?”

 

Nino nodded, his breathing having turned back to normal.

 

“First of all, I want you to know that I’m really proud of you, Kazunari-kun. You did a marvelous job.”

 

“You really believe so, sensei? I… feel…”

 

“I think I can understand what this important person of yours saw. I know it will be difficult in the beginning but I can tell… The real you, this strong person, you keep inside hidden, wants to get free of its fetters, and he will. We will do it together.”

 

Nino let out a faint smile. It had been torturing to have to relive all those events and feel all the emotions of rejection and hurt from his childhood that he had tried to keep locked in the darkest corners of his mind. But in the same time, he could see the attitude of this doctor. He was so different from what he had thought he would be… It was difficult but now that he had heard his words, he felt emotionally exhausted but somehow… a little proud of himself, too.

 

“Now… I would like to discuss something. And I’m not talking about your mother, but generally.”

 

Nino nodded with a small frown but said nothing. He didn’t know towards which direction the doctor would lead the conversation.

 

“Why do you think people mock other people?”

 

Nino hadn’t expected such a question. He tried to think. “Because… they have fun?”

 

“Hmm… Alright. If they have fun, then Why would they do it that way? What do you think?”

 

Nino scratched the base of his nose nervously. “Maybe because they don’t know how to have fun differently?”

 

“So, you’re saying that hurtful comments are coming to them because it’s something they’re familiar with?”

 

“Y… yes… I suppose.”

 

“So, does that mean that they have experienced it, too…? Being themselves receivers of such comments and words, I mean.”

 

“I don’t… know… Maybe?”

 

“How to all babies learn the skills they will need in their life? Not just humans… animals, too. We are all animals after all.”

 

“They see their parents? And others…?”

 

“That’s right. By mimicking.”

 

Nino frowned. “So, they say those things because that’s what they’ve known…” he whispered realizing what the doctor had been wanting to tell him.

 

“It’s our interaction with the other people in our close environment that forms the way we interact with everyone else.”

 

“But if that’s so, then, why didn’t I become like this?”

 

“Because people react differently to the same situations… it’s all about defense… Others defend themselves by attacking others, others, like you, Kazunari-kun, by avoiding to feel… You said it earlier… that you felt numb… Can you tell me one more thing?” Nino nodded and the doctor continued. “Would you consider this kind of behavior a way of authorizing others? Seeking power over others?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“Ok. And now, a last one. Do you believe someone who yells and try to make people think low of themselves as someone strong or weak?”

 

Nino frowned. He gave it a lot of thought. “Weak…?”

 

“Why do you say that? Explain your way of thinking.”

 

“Because… uhm… they need to belittle the others in order to feel stronger? If they were strong, they… wouldn’t need that… I guess…”

 

“Ok. I see… May I sum up what you said?”

 

“Ok…”

 

“First, these people have themselves experienced verbal violence, because that’s also violence, even if many don’t consider it as one, which means they’ve also been abused. This automatically proves us that they’re trapped in a vicious circle that affect anyone who’d get close to them. And second, they’re weak… because they need to make the others think of themselves in a bad way, to trick with their minds, if you want, in order to feel strong and good with themselves… which lead us to what result? They’re not something different. They’re as weak as you… they just camouflage it by victimizing others… but it’s all a lie. They lie to themselves.”

 

Nino was left thinking. The doctor was right. His mother was weak… like him… So why did he give trust into her words? He shouldn’t have…

 

“Kazunari-kun! Look at me and stop thinking! Listen. Don’t try to blame yourself for something you shouldn’t. Such people are quite successful, especially when they’re exploiting feelings… like it happened in your case. This woman was your mother… one of the most important people in a person’s life, the most crucial… What I want you to do is to focus that your mother is also a victim and that she’s not more powerful than you. This will help you realize little by little that all those words of hers also are not that powerful… and then, slowly you will come to believe that they’re not powerful, that in reality, they are of little importance… and they will have lost any worth left until they vanish completely. But that’s a long way to go. It’s easier said than done. But we’ll do it together. It’s complicated… I know… and painful, but I promise you, we’ll find the way out of that maze that your mother and everyone else have created and got you trapped in.”

 

Nino nodded.

 

“What we want is to free your soul and mind from all these burdening feelings; to restore balance. Feelings are chemistry. When we fall in love, oxytocin is being released in our body, causing us to feel that certain way. When we are anxious, adrenaline along with other hormones makes our body being more on alert. The same thing goes with sadness. During these moments we feel a certain way, the balance isn’t there. The case with depression, especially if it’s linked to traumatic events, is that this state remains for more than needed and gradually gets worse. I will prescribe two pills. The one is antidepressant. Think of it as something that will help you find this balance. The pill will help your brain find the right track. It has nothing to do with mental issues. It’s all about chemistry. Some people’s thyroid doesn’t work perfectly and take thyroxin to restore it, some others with diabetes need to take insulin doses to restore the balance. In your case, it’s exactly this. You understand its purpose… Because I want you to understand what the medication is and why you need to take it.”

 

“I… understand, sensei.”

 

“Ok… You will be taking one every night, with full stomach. The better you become, the less you’ll be needing it. Ok? The second is only for the nights you find it difficult to sleep, but don’t worry! It’s 100% natural. Nothing strong.”

 

Nino took the paper, nodding.

 

“I would also suggest you keep a daily program. Wake up and sleep at a certain time, and follow a healthy diet. Fruits are important and also one small chocolate piece every day. You can’t imagine how nature gives us everything we need.”

 

“Thank you, sensei.”

 

“We’re done for today. I’ll see you next week, the same hour.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“It was a pleasure, Kazunari-kun. A positive surprise for me! Have a good rest of the day!”

 

\---

 

Nino was tired, very tired, but also, with each step he made down the street, he felt more confident. The doctor had explained everything. He had helped him see things from a different scope; not because he had lectured him, but because he helped him seeing it himself. He had come to explain some things… in a way he had never done before. Maybe… it would work…

 

***

 

Masaki sighed happily when he slipped his feet into his slippers. He could smell his favorite Bolognese sauce being prepared in the kitchen. He smiled when he came closer and saw the figure of his boyfriend cooking. He always loved seeing him in the kitchen. It was Jun’s creative corner, his personal therapy and mean of relaxation after a long, hard-working day. For Masaki, it had also become a way to ‘decongest’ his mind from a day at work, filled with patients. He absolutely loved his job, but sometimes it could be mentally tiring.

 

Unlike the majority of his colleagues who would just sit there and pretend to listen to the person in front of them for the half an hour, or however amount of time an appointment lasted, thinking about the money that would get into their pockets right afterwards, he was someone who wanted to earnestly help his patients with everything he had. His professors had told him that he was too empathizing for this job, yet he considered it a pro instead of a con. It was tiring, exhausting sometimes, but it was what made him feel full at the end of the day. His goal was to help these people find some ease, come in terms with themselves, find the balance that would help them live their life to the fullest, explore it and exploit it in a way they wouldn’t imagine. He thought of the soul being of the same importance as the body.

 

Sighing, he walked closer to the other till he was standing right behind him. He breathed in, enjoying the familiar scent that invaded his nostrils; the cologne he had brought him as present, mixed with his lover’s very own scent, sweet, yet masculine, virile. It was what brought him to life, even when he was almost out. He placed a soft kiss on Jun’s nape, despite knowing how sensitive the other was at that part of his body, and let his hands wrap around the waist.

 

“You’re lucky I heard you…” was Jun’s comment winning a chuckle from Masaki.

 

“I know that you did,” Masaki whispered, his chin resting on Jun’s left shoulder. “I wouldn’t do anything you don’t like… Hmm! It smells heavenly…!”

 

“I put on all my magic!” Jun replied as he stirred the sauce once more, right before he checked the pasta that was boiling in a tall pot on its side.

 

“Thank you…”

 

“In 5’ we’re having dinner.” Jun announced and after he had wiped his hands on a small piece of kitchen roll, he turned around to meet Masaki’s eyes.

 

“You look tired…,” he whispered, his voice reflecting concern as his thumb came to caress his lover’s cheek.

 

“Today, I had some difficult patients. The one with manic-depressive psychosis…”

 

“Ouch.”

 

Masaki sighed. “Then, there were cases of personality disorder…”

 

“Bipolar?”

 

“Yes, most of them.” Masaki replied. “And one new… depression, self-harming issues. I’d say it’s mostly fighting with demons…”

 

Jun wanted to ask him more but knew his lover wouldn’t reveal information about his patients. Medical confidentiality. He’d only mention what type of his cases he had in a day, and that mostly when he really had a tough day.

 

He was taken by surprise when Masaki hugged him tightly out of the blue. “Just hold me, Jun.” He sighed but nevertheless took Masaki in his arms, holding him close to his body. Something had hit him stronger than the previous days.

 

“Is it so hard to not have prejudices, to think positive of the other people, to have your heart open to love? Why do some people enjoy living in a darkness that consumes them?”

 

“Such people are in need of help.”

 

“Yes, but they don’t seek it… and they make the others suffer. As if they’re feeding on their sadness and suffering. And other people are… so lonely…” Masaki was angry and sad, Jun was certain about it. “I’m so lucky… So lucky to have met you”

 

“Thanks to that reservation mistake!” Jun commented to lighten up the atmosphere a bit.

 

Masaki let out a short laugh. “I will always be thankful to that restaurant employee who had made one reservation extra that night!”

 

Jun pulled Masaki slightly back to see his face. “Me too! How else, would I have suggested we share the table?”

 

Masaki smiled. He gave Jun a quick soft kiss on the lips. “I love you so much, Jun.” he whispered his mouth almost touching Jun’s, half-parted one, breathing in his lover’s scent. “So much.”

 

“Me too, my love.” Jun replied, staring deeply into Masaki’s round eyes, and a fond smile on his lips. A ticking sound was heard. “Pasta’s ready! Take a seat, Aiba-san.” Jun said mimicking a waiter. “Your food will be served in a minute.”

 

Masaki laughed. “Oh, I can’t wait!”

 

They ate in the kitchen, Masaki asking for Jun’s day and the project presentation he had had. Almost half an hour later, they were snuggling on the sofa, drinking a glass of red wine. It wasn’t that they drank alcohol every day, but from time to time, it was a nice way to help them relax. They chose to stay in a comfortable silence. Masaki liked that. They didn’t need to ask something; the other would know what they needed at each time; as if they had a deeper connection.

 

It was a quarter before midnight when Jun suggested they went to bed. Masaki didn’t refuse; he couldn’t… he only wanted to feel the other. It was once Jun closed the bedroom door that Masaki pushed him against it, his lips dangerously close to the mouth he craved to feel against his. There wasn’t much need for persuasion. Soon, they found themselves naked on the bed, bodies entangled, moving in perfect unison, creating the rhythm they needed to find the bliss together.

 

Masaki had closed his eyes, his mouth was left open in need to find air, his face flushed and covered in sweat as he was feeling hotter and hotter. He could only tighten his grip on Jun’s hands, as the latter kept them at each side of his head, their fingers intertwined. Only Jun was able to awaken every single cell of his body, making him feel an indescribable pleasure. His back arched beautifully, as he came closer to the end. He moaned his lover’s name out loud when with one final thrust of Jun, his whole body trembled, reaching his orgasm, followed a second later by Jun, who fell on top of him, breathless.

 

He could only smile tired, when Jun brushed his sweaty hair, with a loving smile on his face.

 

“My love…”

 

Masaki smiled wider. Could it be the afterglow? But to him, Jun always looked more beautiful after they made love. “It was wonderful, Jun.”

 

“It’s you who is wonderful…” Jun replied and pressed his lips on Masaki’s forehead. He was about to move when Masaki’s hands came to forbid him from doing so.

 

“Don’t… not yet…” Masaki whispered, holding his lover close to him, connected as they were.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Masaki breathed in and smiled. Jun was his home…

 

***

 

Nino entered in his room, holding a bag with fresh groceries and fruits, and another, smaller one, from the pharmacy. He was exhausted, yet strangely energetic. Aiba Masaki had proved to be way different than he had imagined. He could see that the other was really listening to him, always with interest and not with boredom as expected. There was something in his casual way of speaking and the warm smile that made him look approachable. Maybe that had made him relax… or it was just the need to get rid of those haunting memories and feelings; something he hadn’t realized before. Whatever the reason might be, Nino had ended up revealing much more than he had imagined.

 

He had never spoken of his life before the years of the orphanage. Ohno only knew that the woman who had given birth to him was not meant to be a mother. He had never mentioned the role her then boyfriend played… He stopped thinking for a moment and chuckled. How could life be sometimes funny? Wasn’t it that very same person, that he had come to see a few days before, and made him go to that shitty bar? But also, wasn’t it thanks to this bastard, that he had come closer to Sakurai Sho and now, he was back into his room after having visited a doctor?  Yes… life could be funny… Bitterly funny, of course, but still funny, because after hitting bottom for one more time in his life, he was now swimming towards the surface.

 

\---

 

_Two days ago…_

_“Ninomiya? Is… that you?”_

_Nino froze, his hand on the beer package on the supermarket shelf._

_“It is you!”_

_Nino closed his eyes. He could recognize this voice. It had been years… many years since he had last heard it but could still recognize it among thousands._

_“The last time I saw you, you had black hair. Is it a trend for your kind to have bleached hair, now?”_

_Nino took a deep breath. “You should know that.”_

_“Hey!” The tone of the other changed. “Stop speaking bullshit, kid.”_

_Nino turned around and met the face he wished he could forget after a little more than twelve years. “I’m not a kid and I don’t speak bullshit.” He walked closer. “And you may say that I was only imagining things but my mum wasn’t. And her accusations were pretty clear, weren’t they?”_

_“You and your crazy mama misunderstood things. You mistook play for… interest.”_

_“So, touching people’s asses is play for you?”_

_The man smirked, coming a little closer. “Don’t tell me you didn’t like it, kid. I had seen you know… the way you’d stare at me every time I got out of the bathroom, once I had showered… and then the magazines… I was only doing you a favor-”_

_“That no one asked you to.” Nino cut him off. “Though, a part of me is thankful. Thanks to your little… play… most of the times in front of her she got angry with me, accused me of trying to steal her man and sent me to an orphanage. It wasn’t paradise but it wasn’t hell either; at least, not like the one I was living in till then.”_

_The other burst into mocking laughs. “Yeah… I see the impact… Bleached, yellow hair, pale, thin… and still a fag… Like you could become something better.” The man took a bottle of vodka before he continued. “The saying is like father like son but since you’re a bastard, I’ll say like mother like son. It was good to see you, Ninomiya…” A chuckle came out of the other’s mouth. “Good… luck with your… shitty life!” and with that he left Nino alone._

_Nino saw the beers he was still holding and decided to leave them there. He got out of the supermarket immediately. His heart was pounding fast. Why should he meet this man he hated so much? Why should he remind him what he was really worth of? To prove to him that he was someone who didn’t deserve love because he was useless just like his mother? His hands were clenching into fists. His eyes were filled with tears. He was angry; angry with the woman that had happened to be his mother; angry with himself for being weak and still affected by that bastard’s hateful words._

_It was time to go to work but didn’t get up to get ready. He felt paralyzed. He stayed in his room, lied on his futon, staring at the ceiling until it was dark outside. He went in the bathroom to throw cold water on his face. He looked at his idol._

_“You are a fag… a useless fag…” he mumbled to himself. The pain suddenly was unbearable. He needed to forget. “Ni-chome…”_

_He didn’t know why he had texted Ikuta Toma, or more correctly he didn’t want to admit it to himself. Maybe deep inside he had decided to ask for help and not fall deeper into that shitty life of his, as that bastard, had named it. He hoped someone would appear at that club and take him away… Deep inside, he hoped it was… him…_

 

\--- 

 

Nino took a shower before preparing himself a salad with rice and canned tuna. It wasn’t equal to fresh fish but still was better than everything he used to eat. He was alone but felt hungry… not just for food; more than everything, he felt hungry for life. Once finished, he grabbed an apple and went to sit on his futon. There was a hint of smile on his face as he kept munching, his eyes locked outside, on the dark sky.

 

He knew Ohno was aware of his decision, since he was speaking with Sakurai Sho, but hadn’t approached him; he behaved normally, and Nino was grateful for that. What made him happier though was the small hint of sparkle in the older man’s eyes, he could distinguish, every time he was talking to him. He wanted to make him proud, too.

 

He had just taken his pill, when he heard his cellphone vibrating. His heart skipped a beat when he realized it was no one else but…

 

“Sho…” he whispered, his hands trembling as he opened the picture in full-size.

 

He smiled when he saw that the other had sent him a photo of pasta, with grated cheese on top, followed by the comment ‘ _a little overcooked; missing salt but better than instant ramen!_ ’This man, even with something as simple as that, made him feel as if he was someone else… even if it lasted for a few seconds.

 

He put on his pajamas, and lied on his futon, taking his phone in hand.

 

To: **Sho**

You know you can add salt,

anytime you want though, right?

Not as good as when the water boils

but you can save it a bit… or pepper.

It makes wonders! ;)

 

His smile grew bigger, as he sent the text.

 

From: **Sho**

I’ll make sure I follow your advice next time.

Any more tricks you can suggest?

 

Nino sat up, his fingers moving fast on his phone.

 

To: **Sho**

Yes. Ready-for-use sauce. For someone of

your capability it’s forgiven. You should

choose one with vegetables or pesto!

 

He was about to lie down when the next text came, making his cheeks blush.

 

From: **Sho**

Noted. May I ask what did you have for dinner?

You’re not the only one who wants to make sure

someone’s eating healthy!

 

To: **Sho**

Salad, rice and canned tuna.

 

He sent it just to curse under his breath, his fingers typing fast again.

 

To: **Sho**

And an apple! Do I pass?

 

From: **Sho**

Not with honors but you do!

I’m not really the one to speak…

well… with that supposed-to-be pasta

for dinner!

 

Nino was debating whether he should send it or not, but then, before he left Aiba Masaki’s office, the doctor told him he should be honest; with everyone around him and most importantly with himself. He took a deep breath before starting typing.

 

To: **Sho**

Thank you, Sho.

 

The answer came immediately.

 

From: **Sho**

I keep my promises! You asked

me to send you what I have for

dinner and I do it!

 

Nino smiled. He knew the other had realized what he was really meaning but had chosen not to bring him in a stressing situation and think he had to speak, if that wasn’t what he wished for. Even like this, the other showed him how much he could understand his needs… His heartbeat had accelerated dangerously fast when he pressed the send button for the next comment.

 

To: **Sho**

For everything.

 

The reply came in a blink of the eye.

 

From: **Sho**

I love you, Kazunari.

 

Nino’s eyes widened. He felt his throat getting dry, his hand was trembling but he did it.

 

To: **Sho**

I love you too, Sho…

 

The other, once again, replied fast.

 

From: **Sho**

It’s late, you should sleep.

 

_You always care about me…_ Nino thought as he typed his next text.

 

To: **Sho**

You, too. You have work tomorrow.

Goodnight, Sho. Sleep well.

 

“I guess that’s ok… It sounds… ok…” He was nervous as he saw that it had been delivered. He had never spoken with anyone like this. He was 27, almost 28, yet he was feeling an awkward excitement every time he sent and received a text, like a teenager. He shook his head. This man was somehow giving him the opportunity to experience too many different things in such a short period of time…

 

From: **Sho**

I’ll keep you close to me…

Even if you’re not here.

Goodnight, Kazunari.

 

Nino felt his cheeks turn hotter, as he read Sho’s last text. _Your choice of words…_

He picked his phone and typed a short ‘ _me, too_ ’, before he placed his phone next to him and lied down. He was smiling. He couldn’t be sure whether this night would be without nightmares… but at least, he knew that every time he’d wake up, he could think what the doctor had told him, look at these texts on his phone and find the needed strength to close his eyes and fall back into sleep.

 

This time, he knew he wasn’t alone and was determined to fight back. He had to… because now, he had a reason to fight for, and that alone was enough.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last "difficult" chapter! I promise!!

 

It was almost 10 am when Nino opened his eyes. He had a headache, but that was the least he could have after such a difficult night. He had dreamt of her again… he remembered all those hurtful words that had come out of her mouth, feeling as if he was a young kid again. Every time, he woke up, he’d look at Sho’s messages, trying to calm down and then he’d once again fall asleep. It was a vicious circle but was expected. The doctor had warned him that in the beginning, things could be like this, and even if he hadn’t, Nino knew they would be there.

 

It was the third week since he had started taking the pills and his sleep, still hadn’t been very good, since during this first period, his body tried to adjust to the medication. His doctor had been clear. He felt tired but he would overcome it. Now, it was morning and he was alone; she wasn’t a part of the picture. He took several deep breaths.

 

“C’mon. Time to get up!” he mumbled to himself before he finally got off the futon.

 

In two hours, he had his fourth appointment with Aiba Masaki. He prepared a toast, along with a glass of orange juice, since the doctor had told him to avoid caffeine. An hour later, he decided to leave. He would arrive early but couldn’t stay in that hole any longer. Feeling the sunrays hitting his face, made him smile. It gave him energy. He took the bus and after two stops, the metro till he reached the southern suburbs of Tokyo where the hospital was localized.

 

\---

 

Since he still had some time to kill before his appointment, he headed to the small café close to the main entrance, hoping to find a melon pan. He had taken one the previous week, and it was delicious. He had just bought it when he thought he heard a familiar voice. It was husky and breathy; quite noticeable. Without a doubt, his doctor’s. He turned around to find him, obviously on a break, talking with a young man, both sat at a small table at the left corner of the small café. Nino frowned. This man’s profile looked rather familiar to him… Without really noticing it, he had made a few steps closer to the table. It was when the latter turned a bit on the side to get something out of the pocket of his jacket that Nino saw him clearly, his eyes bulging in surprise.

 

_Matsumoto Jun…_

 

The same Matsumoto Jun who had visited Sho in his apartment… the same, Nino felt jealous of…  He couldn’t believe it. What was Matsumoto Jun doing there? Why was he speaking with his doctor? Could it be that he had found out? And if yes, what was he trying to achieve? Filled with numerous questions and a sudden vulnerability, he went to sit close to them without being noticed. He knew what he was doing at the moment was wrong, but it was above his powers. This Matsumoto Jun still worried him; he still felt threatened. What if Sho realized that this man was the best for him? Because still in Nino’s eyes, the other man was better… and that made him feel afraid… afraid of losing Sho…

 

From his seat, he could listen clearly to their talk while keeping his back on them so that he remained out of sight.

 

“He’s so stubborn!” This was Matsumoto Jun. He sounded… annoyed? Worried? Maybe something in between.

 

“Oh, c’mon, Jun! You shouldn’t complain. Your stubbornness is one of your most distinguishing characteristics and… certainly not among the most appealing ones! Especially when it reaches such high levels as right at this moment!”

 

“Masaki…”

 

Nino felt his heart beating fast. The two men hadn’t met that day. They knew each other and from what it seemed pretty well.

 

“What?” Masaki replied with a chuckle. “Seriously, now, why are you so surprised? You just told me that you see him doing great at work.”

 

“He avoids the subject.”

 

“Well, you know I don’t like to pick a side between the two of you, but it’s his right. If he’s fine at work, and even more productive than usual, without having huge dark cycles under his eyes or losing weight, then it means that inside he’s fine; balanced. Now, if he doesn’t want to open up concerning _the_ subject is probably because first, you call it that way and second, because it’s something the other party may have asked and he respects it. It’s between them. Simple as that.”

 

“Yes, but-”

 

“But you’re being stubborn. See, that I was right?”

 

Jun sighed.

 

“I know that you care about Sho-kun, the same way I do. But, please, show him some faith.”

 

Nino held his breath. So, the man they were talking about was… Sho? Jun was worried about… Sho? He bit his lower lip as he lowered his head. His hands were clenching and unclenching around the melon pan nervously. Was there something going on with him? They talked every day… Even if something was going on in the businessman’s life, Sho proved to be a very good actor hiding every hint of distress. But that was not all Nino suddenly got worried about. It was the fact that it was Matsumoto Jun the one who worried about Sho at this level… Like he had, when he had come to Sho’s apartment, when Nino met him for the first time. Why would this man care this much? Was Sho so important to him?

 

“Why does he avoid me when I invite him for a fast drink after work?”

 

Nino’s heartbeat accelerated at the sound of this. Did Sho avoid him?

 

“Maybe because he has other priorities…?! Or because _someone_ ’s so stubborn that keeps asking him things that bring him in a difficult situation?! Look… talk to him at one of your lunch breaks, clear things up, that you won’t start interrogate him, and I’m sure he’ll be able to relax and talk to you normally again. Please, realize that you’re overreacting about this!”

 

“I guess… you… have a point there…”

 

Masaki let out a small laugh. “Well, I’m glad my message was delivered.”

 

Nino heard Matsumoto Jun sighing. “What time do you finish today?” he asked after several seconds of silence.

 

“My last appointment is at 7:30 pm, but I won’t be able to leave the office before 9 pm. I have to pass the day’s records.”

 

Jun looked at his watch before he stood up. “Ok. I’ve got to go.”

 

“Me too.” The doctor replied.

 

“We’ll talk later, ok?”

 

“Ok, Jun. And don’t forget to relax a bit! People evolve and so does Sho-kun!”

 

Jun chuckled. “You’ve convinced me enough, sensei! I’m feeling better! Thanks!”

 

Nino heard his doctor letting out a small laugh followed by soft murmurs under his breath that sounded close to ‘you’ll never change’, as he walked away turning right to the corridor that led to his office.

 

Nino was left alone. He couldn’t believe the coincidence. How was it even possible that his doctor not only did know Matsumoto Jun, but also Sho… _his_ Sho… and fairly well if he called him, ‘Sho-kun’. He was left perplexed for a few minutes, before he started reflecting on the discussion he had just heard with a little clearer mind. It was said. Sho wouldn’t go with the other man for drinks, and that, even if it sounded as something of little importance, it had made him feel a little happy. Because he knew why… It had become a little ritual between them; every night they’d exchange tens of texts… for hours. Sho was choosing _him_ over Matsumoto Jun. His heart flattered at the thought. His doctor had called that choice of Sho ‘priority’. He bit his lower lip before he finally opened the melon pan, till then forgotten in his hand, and took the first bite.

_He_ was Sho’s _priority_. 

 

\---

 

Five minutes before his appointment, he was already out of Aiba Masaki’s office waiting to be called by the nurse. Suddenly, the door opened, revealing the doctor who smiled at him the moment he saw him.

 

“Ah! Kazunari-kun! Welcome! You can enter, if you want, and wait for me. I’ll be back in ten seconds, ok?”

 

“Of course, sensei,” Nino replied with a small smile.

 

He entered and sat at his usual seat and let his eyes look around. It was the first time he had the chance to really see his doctor’s office. Usually, he would focus on the discussion and the doctor’s questions, not the environment around him. On the wall, there were diplomas and certificates of attendance in various conferences while on the office desk, next to the computer, there was a photo frame. He leaned to the side just to goggle his eyes. Inside there was a photo of the doctor and no one else but… Matsumoto Jun; again, the same Matsumoto Jun.

 

“Isn’t he handsome?”

 

Nino was surprised to hear out of the blue the doctor talking behind him, sounding rather proud…? Most probably… but the problem was that he had been caught red and he felt embarrassed. He sat properly back on his seat rather nervously, as the doctor sat in front of him, a fond smile lightening up on his face.

 

“Who… is he?” he asked with a trembling voice. Maybe he shouldn’t ask… but he couldn’t hold himself. He was afraid to find out but in the same time, _had_ to know who this man that had troubled him this much was.

 

“His name’s Jun and he’s my partner. My boyfriend, if you want,” his doctor replied, his smile turning wider.

 

Nino gasped. So, Matsumoto Jun was his doctor’s… _boyfriend_? But if he was his boyfriend and was talking so openly about Sho to him, then… Matsumoto Jun could _not_ be interested in the businessman… right? They must be friends. What if Matsumoto Jun was no one else but the friend Sho had spoken him of? The one who had helped him back then… At the realization of it, Nino sighed relieved. It seemed that he was worrying in vain… There was no threat coming from there. _All this time… You are such an idiot, Ninomiya Kazunari! Such an idiot!_

 

“He is, Aiba-sensei. You’re a beautiful couple together!”

 

He wasn’t lying. They were. He saw the doctor’s smile turning wider as he uttered the words. It was obvious that his doctor loved fondly Matsumoto Jun. Nino chose not to reveal that he had met his boyfriend before or that he knew Sakurai Sho. He couldn’t know, if and how much that would influence the relationship as doctor-patient between them, but he wouldn’t risk it. He felt comfortable with him as his doctor; he had made progress, and he wanted to make more.

 

“Oh… thank you, Kazunari-kun…! So…” the doctor typed on his computer. “Now, time to go to our things, shall we?”

 

“Yes, sensei!”

 

“First of all, tell me. How is it? Do you continue having nightmares?”

 

Nino looked at his lap. “Unfortunately, yes.”

 

“You realize that it’s still very early and it’s absolutely logical and expected. You work the evening shift, right?”

 

Nino nodded. “Yes.”

 

“Wouldn’t it be better to ask to change and work in the morning? That way you could go back to your house and relax… you know, get rid of the tension of the day, which will help you fall faster into a deeper sleep and control better the rem phase.”

 

“I… don’t think that-”

 

“You’ve told me that your boss is a good friend of yours, right?”

 

“That’s not it. It’s the apartment… well… I wouldn’t even call it an apartment; it’s rather a room…? Old and dark… and somehow… depressive? Maybe… I don’t know.”

 

“Well, obviously it’s not suitable.”

 

“Sensei, I don’t complain. It’s the best I can afford in my case. It’s-”

 

“You misunderstood me, Kazunari-kun. It’s not the fact that it’s small and old that I called it not suitable. It’s the fact that it causes you, in its way, stress… which we don’t want at this phase. Even if you were living in a mansion, with a large pool and golf courses, and you told me that you didn’t wish to spend time in it, I’d still call it not suitable.”

 

“So, you tell me I should find another one.”

 

“Wait. Wait. I don’t say, go and find another one right after our appointment. That’s another form of adding undesired stress. Though, if you could find a new place at some point, it would only be beneficial. But. Even if you cannot, it doesn’t mean we won’t reach our goal. There are always ways to make our environment… warmer, cozier. Your determination is above a small room. As a matter of fact, you keep surprising me. I’ve had other patients who wouldn’t open up to me even after a year of visits. You, on the other hand, desire to help yourself more than anything, and that’s a power we cannot and _should not_ underestimate. Never forget that!”

 

Nino nodded again. “Yes, Aiba-sensei.”

 

Nino replied all the questions the doctor made before they reached to the second part. The most crucial one. His choice of topic of discussion… his monologue; revisit of all those painful memories and feelings.

 

“What do you want to talk about, today, Kazunari-kun?” the doctor asked him, taking his notebook in hand. He’d always give him this liberty.

 

Nino took a deep breath. “Can we speak about…?” he hesitated. It was what made him the most ashamed of himself, because they were proof of his weakness, of his problematic nature.

 

“Yes? Feel free to say it. Whatever it is.”

 

Nino licked his lips nervously before he took his left sleeve and pulled it upwards with the help of his right hand. “… these…?”

 

Masaki’s gaze turned serious, when he looked at him in the eye. “Are you sure you want to talk about them? Isn’t it-”

 

“I need a break from her, Aiba-sensei, and these… make me feel more ashamed than anything else.”

 

“It’s the reason why I asked you, if you’re really ok with this. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and think about it once more. Are you sure you want to talk about your marks?”

 

Nino did as the doctor said and looked at him straight into his eyes. “Yes, Aiba-sensei.” He knew that he had to face his biggest fear. Every time he looked at his naked idol in the mirror, felt weak… as if they were haunting him. He wanted to break their spells; he wanted to remain unaffected at their sight. It would a difficult task which was why he wanted to start facing it. His mother, her words, her insults, just like all the bastards he had come across as lovers, or more correctly fucks, weren’t as hurtful as those marks on his arms and torso. These were free choices of his… and that made it worse.

 

“Very well,” the doctor muttered in a lower voice as he turned on a new page on his notebook. “First, I would like to ask some questions, like we do all the time. Ok?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“When did you start?”

 

“At the age of twenty-one.”

 

“Ok… and you’ve told me, if I remember correctly at our first appointment, that you’ve stopped.”

 

“Yes.” Nino confirmed.

 

“That’s how long now…?”

 

“About… a little more than two and a half, three months?”

 

“Alright. And tell me, do you ever feel the urge to do it again?”

 

“No. They make me sick…”

 

“Sick…?” The doctor asked before clearing his throat. “Why did you choose this word? Why do they make you feel _sick_ in particular?”

 

“Because I had no excuse to fool myself? When it was my mother, I could tell myself, that she was at fault… even if I didn’t believe it. But with them… I have no one to put the blame on.”

 

“But as you said, even at all the other cases, you believed it was _your_ fault.”

 

“Yes… but in the case of these marks, I didn’t even have the chance to _pretend_ that there was a reason behind, something that I couldn’t control. They were on my skin because _I_ had put them there. They’re a clear result of mine. Proving to me clearly what a weak and useless person I was.”

 

“And that makes you sick.”

 

“Yes.” Nino replied with clenched teeth.

 

“First of all, relax. I want to understand what do these marks represent; back then, and now. After the talk, we can decide together exactly what their place is, and whether you should feel sick or not. Ok?”

 

“Yes…., uhm… sorry, sensei.” Nino mumbled suddenly starting feeling stressed and afraid… a wave of panic, even if not as strong as in the past, filling him up.

 

“Kazunari-kun?” The doctor asked in a calm voice, attracting his attention. He had a polite smile; it was relaxing in a way. “We’re all humans. Everyone has their weak points; their demons. Even people who are others’ idols and role-models have their demons. Superheroes, too, who many times become the role-models of the people of the most sensitive and shaping age; children!”

 

Nino frowned.

 

“Are you familiar with American comics?”

 

“Yes… More or less…”

 

“Well, one of the most recognizable heroes, who also doesn’t have any supernatural powers, faced a personal tragedy. That marked him. He decided to take ‘revenge’, in a way, by protecting everyone else. He created a persona that represented the invincibility. But behind that mask, his alter-ego, he still hided someone who had to fight with his demons… because this alter ego, his strength was motivated by the very same tragedy that had marked him when he was still a child and still hadn’t surpassed. It helped him find a reason to live.”

 

Nino chuckled. “Are we going to analyze Batman, sensei?”

 

“No. I just wanted to prove something. He’s a fictional character; he was created in order to become a superhero; someone that mostly children would look up to. He could be the perfect one, but he’s not. Yet. He became a symbol even if he’s human with weak points. You may not be Bruce Wayne but, if you want, you have found your own strength; your own expression of ‘Batman’, and what this persona represents. It’s your motivation to be here. You’re also dealing with your demons. It’s not easy, but you’re on your way to become that _hero_ for yourself.”

 

Nino couldn’t hold back. He laughed, the panic attack having subsided completely. “I would have never thought that a comic hero could have such an analysis to be honest!”

 

“Even the simplest story hides details that can make her the most fascinating. What matters is from which point of view you’re seeing it.”

 

Nino knew the other had wanted to help him relax and block the stress that threatened to come to the surface, putting an obstacle at the process.

 

“Remember. It’s only a talk. Ok?”

 

Nino nodded.

 

“Will you follow my lead?”

 

Nino nodded again, calmer this time.

 

“Ok… So… You told me you did the first one at the age of twenty-one.”

 

“Yes,” Nino whispered avoiding his doctor’s gaze.

 

“What I want you to do, Kazunari-kun, is to clear your mind from unnecessary thoughts and focus only on that day that it first happened. I want you to become this 21-year-old boy again. Under what circumstances. What made you want to mark your skin? What did that mark represent to you back then? What were you trying to accomplish? We never do something without a reason. And we never have the same reasons all the time. Our reasons, our ways of thinking, our decisions evolve along with us.”

 

Nino took a deep breath as he closed his eyes and started talking. It would be painful; but it was now or never.

 

\---

 

_6 years ago…_

_“Baby, your skin’s so soft… like a baby’s… Along with that babyface of yours, you’d look great in high-school uniform! Ah… It would have been nice to fuck you while wearing it… You’d call me sensei…”_

_Nino flinched at the words of the stranger. He looked at his side, noticing the way the other was daydreaming._ _Τ_ _he other must be in his late forties and there he was, picturing to fuck a teenager. Disgusting. He saw him getting out of the bed to get his phone that was ringing._ _Η_ _e looked the other way. He hated it when he got in touch with the real life of those he had a one-night stand with._

_“Yeah, dear. I just finished. You know how the boss is when he demands we go out for drinks after work. You’ve cooked? Great… I’ll be there in half an hour.”_

_Nino looked over his shoulder, his eyes widening when he got a glimpse of shine around the fourth finger of the stranger’s left hand. ‘You’re married, too?!’ he thought frowning. More disgusting. He needed to get out of there. Quickly, he jumped out of the bed and picked up his clothes that were lying scattered on the floor, and hurried out of the room. He needed to take some time to realize where he was. He had ended up in a random love hotel, in some neighborhood close to Akihabara._

_“I need to find a metro station…” he mumbled to himself as he was walking fast around the streets trying to find his way back home. He had his hands in his pockets, and whoever might see him would say that he looked rather apathetic, but inside he was burning up with fury._

_He had only wished for a quick release, since no one would ever want him for something more. It had started back at the orphanage and continued a few more couple of times. Every time, he was abandoned and it hurt more… So, he decided to put an end on this pain. With time, he had come to accept that… maybe his mother was right on that. Maybe he was a good fuck… attracting assholes, the majority of which were at least, double his age. She had used him in the past as shield not to get thrown out of the hole they were living in, at that time, making sure it was him who’d tell their landlord that they had some economic problems, knowing that he wouldn’t say no to him… because he wanted to see him… she had told him that they were lucky and that he should take advantage of it, to get sugar daddies once in the appropriate age, so that he could contribute financially. What she couldn’t come to accept though, was the fact that he had used his ‘charms’, according to her, to take her lover away from her._

_He still remembered her words before she left him at the orphanage. “You pretended you didn’t like it, making faces whenever I was sending you to pay the rent, but you had no problem with my man! Under my own roof! I kept you, when you reminded me of that asshole you have for father, only because I needed his signature to get rid of you! You were his mistake as well but he disappeared, the coward! And then, from the day you were born, you kept making my life difficult. Do you know how many men rejected me just because of your existence? And yet I kept you with me, I gave you food, a place to sleep and you… you betrayed me with the worst possible way. I thought you’d care a little and help me, pay me back for not abandoning you, like others would have done, but no… you decided to have it your way! Your egoistical way! I bet you’ll end up finding sugar daddies to keep you alive, but even that… you want it all for yourself. So, now, go and do whatever you want with your life! You messed with mine enough! I don’t care. As a matter of fact, I don’t know why I was keeping you, little nuisance! Get the hell out of my sight!” She gave him a harsh slap, right before she opened the door of ‘her man’s’ car, and pushed him out. “Disrespectful, unthankful, useless boy!” And with these words she disappeared from his sight and his life ever since._

_From that very moment, he had decided he wouldn’t do her this favor. He would be the one who’d choose with whom he’d fuck. He may be a good fuck but it would still be his choice. The same way, he would never get sugar daddies, yet somehow, this man, reminded of one. Married, with a good job, wanting to live with him his sick fantasies._

_Why would everyone tell him that he still looked like a kid? He hated it. He hated with all his heart. Everyone had approached him for that same reason… his childish looks… his baby face… ‘I’m an adult’, he thought ‘a fucking adult’. His hands clenched into fists inside his trousers._

_Why should she still get proven correct, even if he tried his best to avoid it?_

_An uncontrollable anger had filled him as he hurried back home. He didn’t remember how it had happened exactly; it was all blurry but it had. He felt relieved as he traced the marks on his lower torso and smiled. His skin wasn’t smooth anymore… A baby didn’t have such a skin. It was impossible._

 

\---

 

“I wanted to erase anything that in my mind could prove her wrong…” Nino continued, his gaze locked on the tree outside the window. “And then, it became… I don’t know… a habit? It was as if the physical pain was lessening the pain I was feeling inside…”

 

“So, it became irrelevant to your sex life?”

 

“Eventually… because I stopped having one.”

 

“Oh…”

 

Nino bit his lower lip. “I don’t know how it happened. I just realized that I didn’t want to be that easy fuck anymore… I didn’t get any pleasure from a sexual intercourse… It was only physical reaction, since I all I wanted from the other, whoever this other was, as to finish and get lost as soon as he was done. So, I stopped. Just like that. And I dyed my hair. I decided upon it a little after that other decision.”

 

“You would do everything to not look young, the way you were, and made you believe that attracted all those men…” the doctor noticed making Nino frown for a couple of seconds before he finally gave a small nod.

 

“I… guess so…”

 

“And now? You told me that that person made you feel ashamed of your marks on your body.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And you stopped doing them.”

 

“Yes.” 

 

“What was in his behavior that clicked in you? You seemed to have constructed a pretty firm worldview, and those marks were the solution to your problem. You had decided so. So, what changed?”

 

“He… didn’t try to have his way with me.” Nino replied in a tiny voice. “I provoked him, I challenged him, I attacked him. I wanted to make him show his real self… but he didn’t. He respected me… He didn’t try to take advantage of me. I was living with him… and all he wanted me to do was to prepare dinner for him.” Nino couldn’t help but smile as he thought of Sho. “He’d tell me how his day at work was… and for once in my life, I got a taste of how a simple… no… rather _normal_ life is. And I don’t know… This… as simple as it may look, it made me feel ashamed for being so certain for things and situations. I was too judging with people but this man… proved me wrong. Even when he saw them, he didn’t judge me; I had seen it clearly in his gaze. It was reassuring, accepting… and then, he made me realize, that this worldview, as you mentioned earlier, was wrong. It wasn’t me… but the others…”

 

“And you stopped… because you felt ashamed…”

 

“Because I was weak and got affected by my mother’s words. Even after years after our last encounter, she was affecting me… and that made me feel ashamed.”

 

“You said earlier that from a point and afterwards, those marks weren’t related with your mother and her accusations.”

 

“N… no... and that’s… the scariest thing, Aiba-sensei… I hate-”

 

“Tell me something. If you got yourself lost in a tunnel with no sight of the exit, you’d start to panic, right?”

 

Nino frowned but nevertheless nodded.

 

“Your brain was like that. When someone lives with depression, and especially one caused at a very young age with difficult situations in their environment, it’s quite difficult to find a balance… The mind works as it would, if you were trapped in a pitch-dark tunnel. The more you stay in it, the more you feel it has no end… Your brain at such a state starts to panic and searches for a way out. Obviously, when there’s no clear image, this way out usually isn’t the correct one. To your case, it was the marks. They were your way out of this panic. When you met this man, though, it was as if he showed you the light at the end of the tunnel. He helped you see the light; and you did see it… even if you haven’t realized it completely yet. This can be translated as your motivation to overcome your fears, chase down your demons and face all those hurtful memories.”

 

The doctor paused for a second, realizing the way Nino had frowned his forehead in front of him. “So that you can understand better what I want to say, let me tell you this. The moment you’d see this hint of light if you were in a tunnel, automatically your senses would start working better, more coordinated, if you want. And you’d see what you were doing before, just to realize how wrong it was. But. That’s _another_ form of panic; the need to get out of there as soon as possible, judging harshly on all our previous decisions. Now, you’re on your way to find the right path, but the closer you get to it, you’ll get to see the same things from a different perspective. You should take into consideration everything before you judge an action of yours. How lost did you feel when you did them? What emotions were filling your mind? What were their result? At those moments, they helped you. Now, you realize they were wrong, because you can. Back then, you couldn’t. So, why to judge? Accept them. These marks, Kazunari-kun, are part of you, and they represent your most difficult and stressful situations; one of your darkest moments in life. It was a given reality that you hadn’t chosen for yourself. So, in that reality with no light, they used to be the ones that, in your false perception of escape, helped you survive. And one more thing. Your first feeling of rejection towards them isn’t but a proof that you are on your way to overcome this darkness... It’s logical but not the right thing. When we judge something, we should take into consideration two basic questions: when and why. I think, now, I have explained it quite in detail, right?”

 

“Aiba-sensei…” Nino was left speechless.

 

“I know that you cannot fully understand it at this point, and I’m not asking you to. But remember; this man accepted you, even with them. He accepted _them_ , because despite having them, you’re more than them. These marks are there to remind you where you were and where you’re now, Kazunari-kun. They don’t define you. Believe me, soon, you’ll understand his point of view and what I told you. I just want you to try and not feel ashamed. Every time, you feel it crawling in your mind, say out loud. “I’m alive. I move on.” Something that reflects you, as you’re now. The man I see in front of me, Kazunari-kun, becomes stronger and stronger.”

 

Nino had tears in his eyes. “I understand, sensei. I’ll try my best. I promise.”

 

“That’s all I want from you, but don’t worry. I don’t have the slightest doubt that you will try your best. You’ve walked quite a distance since you entered into this office for the first time.”

 

“You know, sensei, every time we finish, I… how am I supposed to explain it… I feel emotionally exhausted but in the same time…, as if another small piece of burden has been lifted off of my shoulder… I feel… more… peaceful…”

 

“Well, I wouldn’t have put it in better words. That’s the light at the end of the tunnel, Kazunari-kun. Our inner balance. I think that’s enough for today. And remember whatever you feel that overwhelms you, write it down right at that moment. Ok?”

 

“Yes. And I’ll do my best to find another place to live.”

 

“What did we say?”

 

“No, stress. I know.” Nino replied with a smile.

 

“Good. Continue the same dose for now.” The doctor continued as he typed on his computer, before he looked at his patient. “So, see you next week? Same hour?”

 

“Yes.” Nino muttered and stood up. He was about to open the door when he turned around to see the doctor. “Aiba-sensei?”

 

“Yes?”

 

Nino smiled again. “Thank you.”

 

The doctor flashed him a wide smile, mirroring him, and Nino could tell it was genuine.

 

“More than me, you should thank yourself. It’s you who’s achieved everything so far. I’m just… there to guide you. And you have a great smile. You should smile more! Now, go! I don’t want you to get late at work.”

 

“Bye, sensei.”

 

Nino closed the door and took a deep breath, before he let the air out with his eyes closed. He _did_ feel stronger… At least, for that he could be certain of.

 

***

 

Nino hadn’t expected to be pulled into a hug the moment he asked Ohno if he could stay with him, instead of his little hole of home. The other had told him to move in with him many times in the past, but Nino always denied… maybe because he didn’t want to get away from this dark tunnel he was trapped in, as his doctor, had called it. Now, though, he felt he needed to get away, more than ever.

 

\---

 

It was Saturday morning, around 11 am when he heard a knock on his door. He hurried to open it, revealing Ohno waiting for him looking the most exciting he remembered.

 

“Are you ready to go?”

 

Nino let Ohno in his room. The futon was no longer there, as well as all the pieces of his old furniture. It wasn’t but pieces of garbage anyway. The rest of his things were packed in three quite large cartons.

 

“It’s not as if I had too many things!” he said with his hands folded in front of his chest.

 

The older man chuckled at the comment. It was always refreshing to hear this teasing side of Nino, and lately it happened more and more frequent. In the next ten minutes, everything was transferred to Ohno’s car; leaving the room empty.

 

“So, we’re going?”

 

“Yes.” Nino mumbled before he followed the older man out. He looked inside one last time. He now could see it clearly how it fitted perfectly to the misery he wanted to live in before… This was then… which was why it suffocated him.

_Good bye._

\---

Ohno’s apartment wasn’t too big but it was decent, and above all warm. It felt like home; different from Sho’s but home… like the one of the family Nino never had in his life. The more he stayed, the more he felt it that way. His doctor had been right. From the moment he started living with the older man, his nightmares had slowly become less and less vivid. They felt… somehow distant… allowing him to sleep better.

 

He had also changed shifts with Ikuta Toma. That way, he had the chance to relax in the afternoon. The new neighborhood was far away from his old one, taking him away from the bullies, as well. Every evening, he would go and walk in the park across the street of Ohno’s apartment. He had started the first week he had moved in and now, two weeks later, it had become his routine. It helped him relax and throw any negative thoughts away. He found himself smiling more and more.

 

It was Friday. He sat on one of the benches of the park, looking at the beautiful colors of the sky. Why hadn’t he noticed them before? There was so much beauty in this world that equaled its ugly parts. Before, he’d reject such a thought, but now he believed in it. It was the hope… and it was desirable. He took a picture of it and sent it to Sho.

 

To: **Sho**

It’s beautiful…

Don’t you think?

 

The reply came, as always, almost immediately.

 

From: **Sho**

Not more beautiful than you.

I will take you to the most beautiful sunsets.

 

Nino smiled, biting his lower lip.

 

To: **Sho**

I’ll be waiting, then…

What I also look forward to is

to see with you the sunrise…

 

From: **Sho**

While I keep you in my arms…

 

Nino giggled, his heart fluttering in my arms.

 

To: **Sho**

And then you’ll make love to me, lover boy?

 

From: **Sho**

And then, I’ll make _more_ love to you.

Why do you think that we’ll be awake?

 

Nino felt his cheeks flush. His hand was trembling as he typed the next text.

 

To: **Sho**

Insatiable…

 

From: **Sho**

Only for you.

 

Nino knew it. Sho was proving it to him day after day, and strangely, he started believing it. Why to doubt someone who had never given him the slightest reason for the opposite? But that not all. Strangely, he had started to believe it… timidly… but he had, and that was a huge step for him.

 

To: **Sho**

I love you.

 

From: **Sho**

Me more, my love.

 

He smiled before sending the other a heart. He looked back at the horizon. It had been three weeks ago, after he had told him he would go to live with Ohno, that the businessman had called him ‘his love’ for the first time. It was unexpected but also so welcomed.

 

He breathed deeply. He felt calm. He finally could tell how it felt to be calm. He was still sitting on the bench admiring the view when he felt his phone buzzing. _Ohno…_

 

“ _Where are you? I’ve put your favorite hamburgers in the oven. If you wish to eat them while they’re still hot, you should come!_ ”

 

“Fine! Fine! I’m coming!”

 

Nino was about to turn at the corner when he caught his reflection on a shop window. His legs stopped. He noticed how bad his hair looked. His black routes were now reaching almost the height of his eyes, and the yellow had turned even worse. Not that he hadn’t noticed it at the bathroom mirror, but seeing outside, it just hit him worse. It didn’t… match. Before he realized what he was doing, he found himself turning around the other way, heading to the closest supermarket.

 

It was twenty minutes later that he finally arrived at home.

 

“You do realize that I was expecting you in… let’s say… five minutes after the call? You got me worried, Nino!”

 

“I’m sorry. I swear I had… a reason,” Nino mumbled as he took his shoes off.

 

“I hope a good one!” Ohno replied in a slightly warning tone with his eyebrow raised and his hands folded in front of his chest.

 

Nino’s eyes fell on his bag. “A very good one. Believe me!”

 

Later that night, once his friend was asleep, Nino sneaked into the bathroom. He wanted it to be a surprise. Almost forty minutes later, he was done. He looked at himself in the mirror, trying to take in what he was seeing. It had been many years since he had last seen himself like this, but it only made him smile. It suited him. He looked good. He _felt_ good. He smiled with tears in his eyes. He _did_ feel good.

 

He hurried to his bedroom. Once inside, he took a hold of his phone and took a picture of himself. He wanted _him_ to be the first to see it.

 

To: **Sho**

I think I’ll stick to my natural color

from now on. What do you think?

Does it suit me?

 

From: **Sho**

Can I call you?

 

His heart suddenly started pounding in his chest. It had been how long since the last time he had heard the businessman’s voice? Around six months…? A little more? A little less? He couldn’t tell for sure at the moment. But the most important thing was… did he want to hear him? He took a deep breath. It would be another step, that was certain, but even at this realization, he didn’t feel destabilized. He realized that his fast heartbeat wasn’t out of anxiety and fear, but out of excitement. Maybe it _was_ about time to take the initiative and make that other step on his own.

 

With trembling hands, he pressed the call button. Only after two beeps, he heard him.

 

“ _My love…? Kazunari?_ ”

 

How much had he missed this voice?

 

“I… wanted you to be the first one to see it,” he said in a low voice. “I think it… suits me.”

 

“ _It does! You look more beautiful than ever! Not that you weren’t beautiful before… In my eyes, you’ll always be the most beautiful no matter what, but what I saw was just… beyond words._ ”

 

“Sh… Sho?”

 

“ _Yes, Kazunari?_ ”

 

He had written it… quite a few times… but never would it be as direct as this time. He bit his lower lip, hesitation filling him up for a second. No. He could do it… He had to. He wanted to be honest… probably for the first time in his life while speaking to _him_.

 

“ _Kaz-_ ” Sho never got the chance to finish his word. Nino’s whispering voice interrupted him.

 

“Sho, I… love you.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

Sho wanted to scream, yell, start jumping up and down, cry, all together… He had listened to his voice. After so many months, he finally had the opportunity to hear this voice he had come to love. It was the same but also so different, reflecting a self-assurance it hadn’t before, and that made him happy.

 

It wasn’t easy to stay away from the other for so long but it was Nino who had asked him and he understood him… It was a road, Sho knew, the other had to walk on alone… He had to face his demons and win them, overcome the difficulties and become his better self… He understood but still was difficult. Of course, he’d also get informed by Ohno Satoshi, and was sure Nino knew about it as well, but it wasn’t the same. He missed him. In their case, everything was upside down. At first, they lived together, then, apart… and now, it was as if they were starting little by little. It should have been the opposite… Sho knew… but exactly because it hadn’t been this way, it was harder. Many evenings, he’d pass time in the living room reliving those moments that Nino was there with him as well… He would close his eyes and picture the small-figured man sitting on the armchair with his legs brought up against his chest.

 

He was genuinely happy knowing that he wouldn’t be on his own, live in a better environment, eat healthily, have therapy and follow it as he should but… There was this but that couldn’t get rid of in spite of having tried countless times. There wasn’t much he could do about it either. He was in love… and simply missed him; he missed his scent, his warmth, his cute smile, his beautiful brown eyes… everything that made him… _him_. But at least, he knew that the other hadn’t abandoned him; he loved him the way he did… his feelings were returned, and that was the most important thing.

 

For the past months, every single night, he would send Nino a photo of his dinner, and then they’d talk through messages. As the time went by, the amount of time that that happened slowly turned longer and longer. Lately, they’d spend a little more than an hour, talking about things irrelevant to food… to everyday life. Sho had come to get to know Nino in a way he had never thought of. The other, of course, wouldn’t mention anything about his past or problems, and in a way Sho was glad for that. He wanted Nino to be free from them, even if it was for a while, to focus on things this past, whatever it was, never let him discover… They’d talk about preferences, likes, wishes… things any couple would talk about. There was a casualty in this and a normality that made him believe this would work out. And because of that, he was happy; truly and fondly.

 

And now, he had listened to his voice; a voice that sounded surer, stronger, which made the words, he wished to hear, even more valuable. He could still feel his heart pounding faster than ever.

 

“Kazunari…” he whispered to himself with tears of joy in his eyes and a hint of smile on his lips as he was still holding the phone in his hand.

 

He had to do something; he had an enthusiasm that made him restless. This may sound stupid to others, but to him it was something worth of celebration. Without much thinking, he texted Jun. He had to share his joy, celebrate about it.

 

When he closed his eyes, later that night, he could almost feel Nino in his arms. Finally, now, he could hope that soon this wouldn’t remain a dream but it would be the reality.

 

_My love… dream of me tonight…_ , he thought as he pressed his head to the pillow and drifted into deep sleep.

 

***

 

“Who was that?” Masaki asked as he rested on his elbow and tried to pick over Jun’s shoulder.

 

Jun turned on the side to face his lover. “Sho. He has _just_ invited us for breakfast. Tomorrow. 10 am sharp. Look.”

 

The phone was given to Masaki who looked at it smiling. “Ah… But that’s great!”

 

“Is it?” Jun asked sounding confused. “It’s almost 1am. And he invited us for breakfast!”

 

Masaki raised an eyebrow. “And your point is?”

 

“Who invites you for breakfast at 1 am? No one. Especially, Sho who has to keep a weekly program faithfully. That’s definitely _not_ a normal Sho! He would nev-”

 

“But that’s definitely a very happy Sho-kun!” Masaki replied causing Jun to hush. “Didn’t you notice how he used four exclamation marks after the phrase ‘I’ll be waiting for you’?!”

 

Jun frowned. “Well… yes… but…”

 

Masaki shook his head disapprovingly, a hint of smile written on his face, as he placed Jun’s phone on his bedside table. “Come here you little murmurer…!” Once his hands were free, he opened them invitingly to the other who didn’t lose another minute to snuggle close to him with a short sigh. “You know you’re one of a kind! You worry when Sho-kun looks depressed, confused… I get it. But now, you worry even when he’s happy and before you start ranting, it’s obvious that he’s happy! And you’ve done it more than once! I thought we had solved it! Who knows?! Maybe something really good happened that made him take this decision. I’m certain of it… The hour and the text tell us so! But once again, I’ll repeat that you focus on the wrong things. It’s not the hour but the result!”

 

“I know… but… he doesn’t speak much about this… Nino. As a matter of fact, he hasn’t told me anything in the past five months… I guess? I have lost the count! How am I supposed not to worry?”

 

“I’m sure Sho-kun doesn’t say much because he feels it’s not the right time. And also take into consideration that there’s a third party involved. This Nino, as you called him. Maybe it’s him who wishes to not reveal things, and Sho respects that.”

 

“But-”

 

“You want to tell me that if I asked you not to tell something personal to Sho-kun, even if he’s your best friend, you would?” Masaki cut his lover off.

 

Jun bit his lower lip, realizing how right the other was. “No…” he whispered. “No, I wouldn’t.”

 

“You said it yourself. So, why shouldn’t Sho do the same? I don’t say not to have any concerns, actually it’s one of those things that make you so adorable in my eyes,” Masaki’s voice turned lower as he uttered the last words, “but you have to be reasonable and above all not overreact. Sho’s productive at work. You’ve told me that several times. He looks much healthier. You’ve even seen him visit the gym close to your work. And above all, he always sounds happy. These are good signs, Jun. I’m sure you recognize them yourself. You are a clever person. Besides there’s something ou need to remember something. People are not the same; physically, mentally and psychologically. It’s in our nature to evolve. Sho isn’t the boy you first met, like you’re not either. The same way, you are not the twenty something man who invited me to share his table back at the first time we met; the same way, I’m not. The environment we live in, the events that may take place at some point in our lives, the people we meet and choose to keep them close affect us. The change is inevitable as we grow older, and so do our relationships, because they depend on us. But that doesn’t mean that they become of less importance.”

 

“You do have a point putting it that way,” Jun muttered remaining thoughtful for a while before he looked at his lover who was staring back at him with a warm smile. “You always amaze me; seeing deeper into situations, feelings, needs…”

 

“That’s what happens when you have a psychiatrist for a lover!” Masaki replied teasingly.

 

“Hmmm… yeah… but…,” Jun mumbled, a smirk forming at the corner of his mouth as he moved in a way to meet his lover’s gaze better. “Can my lover see deeper into me, too? What is it that I may need, at this moment?” his voice turned lower, more playful. “Don’t forget that you scolded me.”

 

“At this moment?” Masaki repeated in a similarly playful tone.

 

“Yes… at this very moment… Well? Any ideas?”

 

Masaki pushed his lover on his back, his hands on his shoulders. “I see someone who needs reassurance… who wants to feel loved…”

 

“You’re quite close, Aiba-sensei. And what do you intend to do about that?” Jun continued, his hands around Masaki’s slim hips.

 

“I guess I can give him what he needs…?!”

 

“I’m waiting!” Jun challenged Masaki who leaned closer and locked their lips together, leading them to a passionate, hungry kiss.

 

“Was that a good exemplary?”

 

“Satisfactory…” Jun breathed into Masaki’s lips, his voice hoarse, “but I believe I need another one just to be sure…”

 

Masaki giggled before he leaned even closer to Jun’s face, their lips almost touching. “Then I shouldn’t keep you waiting…”

 

“No…” Jun replied huskily. “You shouldn’t…”

 

It didn’t take long for their bodies to find the perfect synchronization and that rhythm that made them get lost in their very own world, as they chased satisfaction together. They came with each other’s names on their lips, their bodies writhing in the explosion of sensations that filled their bodies.

 

“I knew it…” Jun whispered as he fell on his back exhausted but satisfied.

 

“Wh… what?” Masaki asked, still out of breath.

 

“How turned on… you be… come when I call… you Aiba-sensei…” Jun whispered in a similar way.

 

“While you… weren’t…”

 

Jun laughed, turning his head to the side pecking softly Masaki’s covered-in-sweat forehead. “I’m always insatiable for you…”

 

“…sweet-talker, too…” Masaki replied whispering. “But now… come. Shower.”

 

“I don’t want to move…” Jun whined denying to get up from bed. “It’s late…”

 

“Someone needed to feel loved… Now, he has to face the consequences! Come…” Masaki said before he pecked Jun’s lips. “We have to get up early!”

 

“And for what…?” Jun whined again as he sat up on the bed. “For a breakfast of high doubts concerning its content…?! I just pray that he won’t be the one to cook.”

 

Masaki chuckled. “Come here, you grumpy…” he said as he pulled Jun to the bathroom. “I’m sure it’s going to be delicious! And even if it’s not, you should remember that it’s the intention that counts. Now, hush and wash my back while I wash my hair.”

 

Somehow, Masaki always found a way to make Jun unable to find a proper reply. But he was right… they had to hurry if they wanted to catch enough sleep. Jun entered in the shower booth taking the shower gel in his hand. His eyes fell on his lover’s strikingly beautiful birthmark on his left shoulder, trending a couple of different marks; his piece of art. His hand came to trace them, his lips curving into a smile. He leaned and placed a soft kiss on them.

 

“Jun…?”

 

“I just thought how much I love you…,” he admitted in a whisper before he applied some of the shower gel on his hand and started massaging the soft skin in front of him.

 

There wasn’t the slightest doubt about that… he felt blessed. He realized it mostly in these moments that were only for them… which made him realize that Sho also had this right, to keep some moments and treasure them only for him.

 

Yes… Masaki was once again right. Sho was happy and he had the right to be however he wished to.

 

Jun smiled; he was more than ok with that.

 

***

 

Sho made sure everything was at its place. It was 9:30 and he had just come back from the French bakery at the corner with a large back filled with freshly baked croissants, pains au chocolat, and Jun’s favorite salty tart, quiche Lorraine. Only the coffee was left to be made and then, everything would to be ready.

 

It was three minutes after ten when he heard his bell ringing. He smiled as he hurried to open the door. His friends were always on time. He was welcomed by two faces lit up by wide smiles. It was obvious that Jun’s one was a tiny bit more strained than that of his lover, but Sho knew his best friend very well. It was obvious Masaki’s piece of work.

 

“Good morning, Sho-kun!” Masaki exclaimed happily, not leaving Sho the chance to welcome them first.

 

“Welcome, Masaki-kun! Jun! Come! Come! Everything’s ready!” Sho replied in a quite exciting tone that made the couple exchange a quick glance.

 

The moment they came closer to the kitchen, the smells came to tease their nostrils, gaining Jun’s little sigh of approval.

 

“Is it… what I think it is?” Jun mumbled as he came closer to the table, his eyes bulging when he saw everything waiting for them to come and taste.

 

“As if I’m capable of cooking anything that would match your exquisite taste, Mr. Matsumoto Jun!” Sho told him in a rather playful tone. “I’ve bought everything from you favorite French bakery, at the corner, you know, earlier today, and I’ve prepared coffee.”

 

“I can smell hazelnut…?” Masaki said as he took the seat next to his lover.

 

“Yes, you can!” Sho replied as he served them. “Now, please, eat! I made sure I picked the ones that were freshly made!”

 

The couple chose to follow Sho’s piece of advice and started filling their plates. For a long time, there wasn’t much talking.

 

“Not that I don’t appreciate everything… but could I ask why?” Jun asked after he cleared his throat, as he was refilling his cup of coffee, avoiding to look towards Masaki. He knew he shouldn’t have asked but it was something that was eating him up. “I… mean… you sent the text at 1 am…”

 

Sho chuckled. “I know… but couldn’t help it!”

 

“Have I ever heard you being this… excited?”

 

Masaki sighed when he heard Jun’s question. It was obvious that his lover was determined to start the interrogation, so he decided to jump in and lead the discussion in a smoother and much more discreet way. “Did something good happen, Sho-kun?”

 

“As a matter of fact, yes!” Sho said beaming from happiness.

 

“I was sure. You look great, Sho-kun… better than I’ve seen you in a while…! It’s because of your special one, isn’t it?”

 

Sho smiled wider than ever, his eyes sparkling from the happiness. “Yes, Masaki-kun! “You know… I’m really proud of him! He’s been so far from where he was…” Jun was looking at his friend in owe. How could always Masaki know which buttons to press to make everyone at ease and open up? It was a talent he admired. “And yesterday,” Sho continued, “we talked for the first time after six whole months! I heard his voice!”

 

“You… mean you… didn’t talk? I thought that-”

 

“We only texted each other. I let him take the lead and decide the rhythm for us… Where he is, it isn’t an easy ride; it requires determination and… solitude? It’s something he had to do it himself _for_ himself first and then for us. I wanted to respect him and his decision to fight back.”

 

Jun nodded, sipping some of his coffee. Now, he had a clearer image of what Sho had admitted back when they had lunch together during their noon break, a few months ago. Back then, Sho’s words were vague and his whole presence not as strong as now.

 

\---

 

_“You were avoiding me…”_

_“I know, Jun, and I’m sorry but… I needed time…”_

_“Why don’t you want to go for a drink after work? And here…”_

_“Because I want to hurry back to home.”_

_“But-”_

_“It’s a time that belongs to him, Jun.” Sho cut him off. “We speak… I need to be there…”_

_“I was worried… you know that? You told me he left once again, and then you didn’t talk to me… How was I supposed to see that?”_

_Sho sighed. “I’m sorry. You do have a point there… I admit I didn’t quite reflect on it which was wrong, but I’m ok. It’s complicated, but we’re ok. That’s all I can say. He’s trying his best, and I want to try my best, too.”_

_“So, you’re ok?” Jun insisted, looking closely at his friend._

_Sho smiled reassuringly. “Yes, Jun, I’m ok. Really.”_

_Jun mumbled an ok, still not 100% convinced by the other’s words._

_‘I hope so…’_

 

\---

 

Obviously, it had been the beginning and Sho was confused… Strangely, Jun realized that this period of solitude, as Sho called it, was also meant for him. He also started building up a different, stronger self both physically and mentally. Masaki had been right. People change and now, one clear example was right in front of him.

 

“Jun…, you remember him, right? When you had come to my apartment…?”

 

Jun frowned for a moment but nodded nevertheless.

 

Sho picked up his phone and opened it, showing it to the couple. Its background was the photo that Nino had sent him the previous night.

 

Jun gasped, surprised. “Oh…!” he exclaimed, as if he finally understood better why his friend was this excited and happy. “He used to have his hair bleached, Masa-” he started explaining to his boyfriend just to hush, seeing the way the latter’s eyes had bulged.

 

Masaki took the phone into his hand, keep staring at it astonished.

 

“I… can’t believe it… It’s him… it’s… Kazunari-kun!” he exclaimed, confusing the other two. “You kept calling him Nino… I never made the connection…” he continued as if he had noticed nothing, and before either Jun or Sho could react, Masaki jumped up and hugged Sho leaving both men speechless. “I’m so… _so_ happy for you, Sho-kun! And him! For both! Oh, Sho-kun… I knew it! I knew the one you fell in love with was worth it. It was an instinct but now, it’s a fact! I can’t believe it! It’s… it’s amazing!” Masaki continued still hugging Sho who didn’t know how to react.

 

“Don’t…” Jun said as if he finally put all the pieces to the right place and solved the riddle. “Don’t tell me that… he’s… your patient?”

 

“Well… he is.” Masaki replied freeing Sho and turning to look at Jun. “And he is the patient I’m the proudest of! Oh… Sho-kun! You two did it! If he talked to you…, he’s… getting there. He’s really getting there! Oh my God, I’m so happy! Both as your friend and his doctor!”

 

Jun smiled seeing his lover in tears. He knew how much Masaki loved his job, how much he connected with his patients and how he wanted to see them succeeding in their lives. Now, the fact that one of them was linked to Sho could only double his happiness! Sho indeed looked better than he ever remembered him… This Nino… Kazunari-kun, as Masaki called him, also did the same. As if both of them brought out their better self after having met… He smiled, his eyes focusing on Masaki. Hadn’t that happened with him as well? Maybe not as dramatically as to Sho and his special one, but the difference was there… he could feel it every morning that despite feeling grumpy, the sight of his lover always put a smile on his face.

 

“Doesn’t that require celebration?” Jun said as he stood up from his seat.

 

Sho frowned. “Eh? Didn’t we just-?”

 

“Oh… C’mon! My friend’s finally there with his boyfriend, my beautiful baby, here,” his voice turned slightly lower as he hugged Masaki from behind, “managed to do his job splendidly, as always! I don’t know about you but I think a celebration is a must! My treat!”

 

“Can we have pizza?” Masaki asked excitedly, as he turned around to meet Jun’s eyes.

 

“Whatever you want, Masaki,” Jun replied before pecking his lover’s lips.

 

Sho’s heart was pounding faster. Knowing that Nino was Masaki’s patient was only more reassuring… He now was sure that the person he loved was in the best hands. Masaki was a naturally caring person, and he loved his job… he saw it more like a mission, rather than a job per se. He had a talent to connect with people making sure they realized their true value… Now, that he was thinking again. Jun had absolutely right. This did require a celebration.

 

“Hey…! You didn’t ask what _I_ want!” he asked from behind, faking to sound hurt.

 

“Because you love everything as long as it’s edible!” Jun teased him, making Masaki chuckle.

 

“Don’t start…, please! It’s been a long time since you two stopped being teenagers.”

 

“I agree,” Sho replied. “And… it’s almost noon!”

 

“You just ate one large piece of quiche Lorraine, two pains au chocolat and three… Ah... No. three _and a half_ croissants! Large croissants!”

 

“Well… you know me, my friend… I love _everything as long as it’s edible_!”

 

Jun laughed. “Yeah… Why am I even asking?!” It was a while since they had managed to tease each other and smile genuinely. This Sho was… energetic… refreshing, and he liked it.

 

“Go on, and I’m right behind you! Just to pick up a jacket!”

 

Sho hurried to pick a jacket from his wardrobe, his phone and keys. It had been a while since he went out feeling this happy and… light, as if the rain had given its place to sunshine.

 

Seeing the couple walking in front of him, made him smile. Next time, he wanted to have Nino with him, so that their hands could be intertwined just like those of his friends. He smiled wider at his thought. Yes… that would be perfect.

 

***

 

Nino didn’t need to guess that his doctor finally knew who he was and that this important person that had been his motivating start was no one else but Sakurai Sho. His not surprised, but definitely satisfied smile, told him so.

 

When his doctor explained to him how it had happened, it only made him smile. He was happy to know that Sho had reacted like this… it was unpredictable… but also cute in a way. He was happy because he had made the one he loved proud and happy… It was him that had achieved that… and it was a sentiment of pride he wasn’t used to experience; new yet welcome… very welcome.

 

“Do you feel weird?” Masaki asked his patient wanting to be sure that it was still alright between them. “You should know that I have said nothing. I never do, neither to Jun, nor to Sho-kun. And they don’t ask me either. What we say here, stays here. So, you don’t have to worry about it.”

 

“No…” Nino tried to reassure the other. He just realized he had remained silent for quite some time, raising questions. “No! I didn’t… It doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that now that you know who this important person of mine is… I had realized it since I saw the photo of Matsumoto Jun… I was just… I don’t know… feeling… proud?” the word came out of his mouth hesitant way. It was different to say it in his mind, and different to hear it with his own ears. “Of myself… you know… because Sho… was so happy… because of… me?”

 

“And trust me he wasn’t the only one!” the doctor replied. “It only made me cry from happiness for both of you! My instinct had told me so from the beginning. Before I got to know you. All this time, I could tell that whoever this person, that Sho loved, was, he was worth it and you were worth of him. And now I’m surer than ever. Because you’re an amazing person, Kazunari-kun; stronger than most of the people I have come to meet in my life; in and out of this office. When I realized that you were Sho’s important person, and he was yours, I just became the happiest person on Earth. If you feel, though, awkward in any way, I can always suggest another colleague from-”

 

“NO!” Nino cut him off, speaking louder than he thought he would. “I… don’t want to change. You made me feel as if I wasn’t having a psychoanalysis. All the other doctors made it feel like an interrogation. With you… how can I put it? It felt genuine… I don’t know… as if you were a good friend of mine and I could open my heart to you knowing that not only you could understand me, _really_ understand me, but you could also help me to find the strength and courage to stand on my own. I trust you. And that hasn’t happened with many people in my life. You are the third actually…”

 

The doctor stayed silent for several seconds. “And now I know that I did something the right way.”

 

“I just… if… we ever meet outside… I mean with Sho and… Matsumoto-san… I wouldn’t want to-”

 

“Out of this office, I wish to call you a good acquaintance and with the time, I hope, to be able to call you a good friend of mine. That’s… obvious… for me.”

 

Nino smiled. “That’s all I needed to hear, Aiba-sensei.”

 

“So, do you want to talk to me about this change on your looks?”

 

Nino nodded and started talking. Since the fifth month, he was feeling even more at ease. Words kept leaving his moth fluently. His body language had also changed. He would sit straight, always looking the doctor in the eye. He’d move his hands more vividly. He would accentuate different words when needed. He’d stop at some point trying to stop his laugh when he thought of something funny. He would breathe deeper. He felt free… more than ever.

 

***

 

_One month later…_

 

 

Nino’s hand was shaking when he pressed the call button. His heart was pounding crazily in his chest, knowing that it was now or never. The previous day, Masaki had told him that it was Sho’s birthday the next day. He knew why he had mentioned it. His doctor felt he was ready. He was still on pills but much lighter ones, and was stable for quite a long time, now. His nightmares had also disappeared, and had finally been able to live. It was scary… undoubtedly, but also exciting… There was so much to look forward to… like _him_.

 

During this past month, they’d talk for hours… Many times, when Nino was alone in the apartment, he’d put Sho on the speaker and he’d prepare his dinner while talking to him. He had come to know him as a person, even if he hadn’t seen him in person. They’d exchange photos of their food, of themselves. Sho would also take photos of different suits so that Nino could pick up the one he liked the most if the older had an important meeting, or they’d watch a movie as if they were together. So much precious time… They _were_ together… Somehow, they had been so from the very beginning, but now, it felt… normal, and that made it even more intense.

 

All that only made Nino want to not only listen to his voice or see his photos. More than anything, he wanted to see him in person… feel him close to him… breathe in his scent, this masculine and virile scent that made his whole existence tremble… taste his lips… feel them on his. He wanted _him_. And he was finally ready to accept it and everything that came with it.

 

“ _Hey…_ ”

 

Nino smiled the moment he heard Sho’s voice. “Hey…”

 

“ _It’s a little early, isn’t it?_ ”

 

“Yes… well… I wanted to ask you something…” Nino said, feeling his pulse in his ears. No reply came back for several seconds, making him wonder if the other had indeed heard him. “Sho?”

 

“ _Is everything alright? What… is it? Don’t make me worry, Kazunari…_ ”

 

Nino knew he sounded nervous and also could tell that the other was perplexed, not knowing what this _something_ would be. “Tomorrow, uhm… are you… by any chance… free?”

 

“ _Eh?! Why? I… mean... I… yes… I suppose…_ ”

 

Nino bit his lower lip not to chuckle. Sho was lost, certainly not having expected this type of question; especially when it was his birthday. “Because… If you could, I’d like you to come to my apartment. Well, technically it’s Ohno’s but… yeah… I thought to cook something and well… eat together… have a… dinner… like we used to…”

 

He had said it. He had finally said it.

 

“ _Kazunari…,_ ” Sho’s voice was trembling. “ _Are… are you asking me on a… date?_ ”

 

Nino could only smile. “If I said yes, would that make you say yes, too?” He tried to sound playful… as he should have but didn’t know if he actually did under these circumstances. His heart was pounding madly in his chest.

 

Sho’s soft laugh reached his ear causing him to smile. He loved Sho’s laugh. “ _Even if you said no, my answer would still be yes… and you know it very well. But the fact that you’ve said yes, it makes me so much happier…_ ” Nino bit his lower lip. He had done it again… He was the source of Sho’s happiness. “ _What time should I be there?_ ”

 

“Is around 8, fine with you?”

 

“ _Sounds perfect to me._ ”

 

“And Sho…?” Nino asked hesitantly

 

“ _Yes?_ ”

 

“I want to see how’s Sakurai Sho appearing on his first date!”

 

“ _You know that applies to you, as well._ ”

 

“Don’t worry about me…”

 

“ _Sounds like somebody’s made plans…!_ ”

 

“Well, maybe this somebody _has_ made plans.”

 

Sho chuckled. “ _I can’t wait,_ ” he said in a serious but loving tone.

 

“Me, too,” Nino replied before a small pause of several seconds. “Sho?”

 

“ _What, Kazunari?_ ”

 

“I love you.”

 

“ _I love you, too, sleep well!_ ”

 

“You, too!”

 

When he ended the call he was feeling as if he was floating on air. He quickly changed into his pajamas and fell on the bed, lying on his back, his smile wide.

 

“I have a date… I can’t believe it… I… have a date… with Sho!”

 

He kept whispering the same words in an attempt to believe it. In less than 24 hours, _he_ ’d be there… Sho would be there…

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

By 19:30 Nino had prepared everything. The food, the cake; everything. He was wearing the clothes he had bought this morning with the help of Matsumoto Jun and Aiba Masaki, after the latter’s insistence. It was weird to meet with his doctor, but _Masaki-kun_ was a great company, differently to _Aiba-sensei_ but equally pleasant.

 

\---

 

_8 hours earlier…_

 

_Nino arrived at the mall he would meet with his doctor and his boyfriend. They looked really good together and now, could clearly see the difference between how Matusmoto Jun was with Sho and how with his boyfriend._

_“Kazu-kun, good morning!” He was surprised to be called like that but the other had made it clear to him, hadn’t he? Outside, the office they would be acquaintances in the process of becoming good friends and something in Aiba Masaki’s smile and voice told him that it wouldn’t be that difficult. As much as he was hesitant and reserved with people, he couldn’t find anything against the latter; he was so easy to get to like. And then there was Matsumoto Jun. He was now sure that it was this person whom Sho had spoken of; the one who had saved his life in the past. There was something more serious and distant in him but not hostile._

_“Ninomiya-san,” Jun said politely before bowing a bit._

_It took Nino by surprise. He wasn’t used to such politeness in his life. They were different but maybe that’s why they were so happy; maybe they were just complementary to each other._

_“Uhm, Matsumoto-san, Aiba-”_

_“Masaki-kun!” Masaki cut him off. “And drop the san even for Jun. Ok?”_

_“It’s ok.” Jun added with a smile. “I just felt the need to show you the respect I hadn’t back when I had visited Sho… I know I was interfering… and I’m sorry if in any way I caused-”_

_“Please, no need to talk about it. It was my weird perception of things back then… combined with the lack of clear judgement… self-confidence. Really no need to feel bad, Matsumoto-s-… kun.”_

_“I’m happy. And you look great with black hair!”_

_Nino smiled. “Thank you.”_

_“Ok. Now, that everything’s clear, I suggest we go and start shopping. I have a couple of ideas in mind. Come!”_

_Nino found himself following the couple to quite a large number of stores. They had a high sense of fashion, unlike Ohno who couldn’t care less about style. He chuckled when he remembered his moto: ‘as long as it’s practical, it’s good’. The two men with whom he was at the moment would have many objections on that matter. After two and a half hours, he was finally free to go back home with two large bags full of clothes. He had never had sophisticated and that formal clothes before. They looked great on Sho, but to him? He had been reluctant, feeling that it was totally out of him, but in the end, he agreed with the two older men because he could see in their eyes that they liked the result and deep inside, he himself wanted to try._

 

\---

 

He looked at himself in the full-length mirror in his room and sighed. Did he look really good? It was obvious that he had put an effort but didn’t want to be too much. He was dressed in total black, since Jun had insisted that like that he looked mature and sexy, with his hair styled backwards. It had been a while since he had such a short cut, making his face be seen clearly. Weirdly, he liked that… it came out with no fear, no hesitation. He wanted Sho to see him; see the real him for the first time.

 

After a while the bell rang. His heart started pounding in a crazy rhythm in his chest, as he came closer, but tried not to panic and stay cool; at least, on the outside.

 

He cleared his throat and opened the door. The sight, he came across with, was breathtaking. Even if he spoke to him every single day, sometimes for hours, he still hadn’t seen him in months, making it even more difficult to grasp that Sho was indeed in front of him, in flesh and bones, looking… simply perfect. The dark blue pair of jeans, certainly not one of the categories he usually bought, along with the dark blue dress shirt and the leather dark brown jacket on top was a combination he had never thought the other would choose – his instinct told him that Matsumoto Jun had had a small meddling in styling – but little did it matter. He had to admit that Sho pulled it off so good that made his throat get dry.

 

He was left astonished, with his mouth half-agape, not knowing how much time had passed by. His heart was still beating fast, faster than ever, because he could feel that he also had a similar affection on the other. He had caught how Sho’s eyes moved thirstily on him from head to toe all over, again and again. He wasn’t someone who’d wear such clothes but then again, he was never given the chance to. He liked that he had tried his best for the man he loved and it seemed it was highly appreciated.

 

It was only after he caught the way Sho cleared his throat awkwardly that he realized they were still standing at the door.

 

“Ah… please… come…” he said in a tiny voice that betrayed his nervousness.

 

He wasn’t the only one though. He had listened to Sho’s small gulp as he passed by him. He closed the door and asked from Sho to give him his jacket. He was surprised to see wider shoulders and more defined muscles trending under that shirt.

 

“I decided to try my best to impress you, too,” was what Sho told him when he realized the way Nino had been staring at him.

 

“I never said I was into muscular guys…!” his voice was hiding a hint of playfulness, implying that he was against them either.

 

“I wanted to do something for myself. To be stronger… I went to a dietician to help me create a healthy nutritional program for someone who works my schedule and also started going to the gym. There has been one 200 meters away from work but never thought to join until seven months ago. I must admit its impact was much more surprising than I could have ever imagined. It helped me keep my stress away and gave me more energy.”

 

Nino led them to the living room with a smile. The way that Sho spoke had also changed… It reflected more energy as he had just said?! More confidence?! For sure, a positivity that was more present than before.

 

“I’m happy for you… and…” Nino hesitated for a second, biting his lower lip, before he took a deep breath and met Sho’s gaze. “I do like what I see…” he meant everything. The life he could see in Sho’s eyes. The love. The sparkle.  Everything.

 

“So… what are your plans for tonight?” Sho asked the question not meeting Nino’s eyes. He had his back on him, as he _supposedly_ \- Nino was sure of that - looked around the living room.

 

Nino could tell the other was nervous. His body was stiff… because it was getting real. The same way he was.

 

“First. A dinner. For two.”

 

Nino made two steps forward and took Sho’s hand in his. It was the first time in his life he made the first move but somehow didn’t feel awkward. The way their hands fitted against one another was as if they were made for each other. 

 

“Come…” he whispered and led Sho to the kitchen where the round table was perfectly made. Plates, glasses and a pair of candlesticks were over a white tablecloth.

 

“Kazunari…” Sho whispered in owe.  He left speechless. Everything was made in detail.

 

“Do you… like it?” Nino asked in a trembling voice. “Have I… overdone it… maybe?”

 

Sho cupped the shorter man’s cheeks and pressed a soft peck on the tip of his nose.

 

“It’s perfect,” he whispered with a fond smile. He meant it.

 

Nino served the food he had cooked, before he lit the candles. They didn’t need other lights. They were sitting close to each other.

 

“You know… I love the light of candles…” Nino said in a low voice his eyes following the flame. “It’s warm… and their flame… is so beautiful to look at…”

 

“Just like you…” Sho whispered to his ear, making him gasp.

 

They exchanged a glance full of love before they started eating. They ate in a comfortable silence, interrupted only by the sounds of pleasure Sho was leaving every time he swallowed a bite.

 

“Did… you like it?” Nino asked in a tiny voice once they had finished. He knew the other had but still wanted to hear the words.

 

Sho chuckled. “You know I did. I’ve always loved your cooking, but somehow this… was beyond imagination… truly one of the most delicious, if not _the_ most delicious dinner I’ve had in my life.”

 

Nino could only smile widely. He had been stressed. He had wanted it to be perfect. He had made it. Once they finished their glasses of wine, Nino brought Sho back to the living room, asking him to sit in the middle of the sofa while keeping his eyes shut.

 

Sho knew why and happily complied but failed keeping his eyes shut when he heard the other coming. He already had tears in his eyes but when he saw Nino coming with the cake, he couldn’t keep it anymore.

 

Nino was singing happy birthday to him, with a melodic voice that could be argued that it belonged to angels. Perhaps because he _was_ an angel.

 

“Make a wish, Sho, and blow off the candles!”

 

Sho could only make one wish. He closed his eyes and blew. Soon, the room filled with the smell of burnt candles. They sat on the sofa and ate some. It was Sho’s favorite, cheesecake with blueberries sauce on top. Nino had made sure to notice down everything that Sho was sharing with him.

 

“Happy Birthday, Sho!”

 

Sho hugged the other and kept him close to him. They remained there along with two refilled glasses of red wine.

 

“It was the best birthday present ever!” Sho muttered, his breath landing on the top of Nino’s head.

 

“Well… I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my plan so far, but you still haven’t received your present… How can you name it perfect?” Nino teased him.

 

“What… do you… mean?”

 

Sho was left speechless when he saw Nino taking the glass of wine from his hand and placing it on the table, just before climbing on his lap. “Because your present…” Nino whispered close to his ear sending thousands of shivers down his spine. “…is _me_ …”

 

“Kazunari…”

 

Nino looked straight into Sho’s eyes, pressing his body closer to the other. This time he knew _what_ he wanted… _how_ he wanted it… _with whom_ he wanted it.

 

“Make love to me, Sho…”

 

Sho thought his senses played tricks to him. It wasn’t that he hadn’t thought of it… he’d be lying if he did, but he hadn’t really expected to happen… especially not hearing it loud and clear from Nino’s mouth. Their pelvises were pressed against one another, making him feel hotter. He could hear his pulse in his ears, as his heart was pounding hard in his chest. His arms had automatically circled around Nino’s slim waist, keeping him on place. It was a unique sensation keeping him this close. Not only did he see him in flesh, but also felt him; his warmth, his body. It was different… maybe because it was so real.

 

He swallowed hard when Nino moved his lower body in low, circling moves. He let out a shaky, almost silent moan. He wanted it… but also didn’t want to make the other think it was what he was looking for… At least, not the only one…

 

“I want it and I know you want it, too. Please, Sho… I want to feel you… I _need_ to feel you…”

 

“Kazunari, I-” Sho hushed when Nino’s palm landed on his lips.

 

He had thought that the other would have wanted to wait since it was the first time they saw each other after having confessed their feelings. It was typically their first date… He looked at Nino who was looking back firmly into his eyes, with no doubt, no hesitance; only with love, desire and need.

 

Nino had a soft smile when he spoke again, once their foreheads were resting against each other. “I know.” He was sure that now the older man had understood what he meant behind that word. “Please, Sho…” he whispered on his lips, in a trembling voice.

 

Sho realized that during all these months they’ve spent so much time together that it didn’t feel rushed… Why to overthink it? Was there a rule when it came to this? No… Nino wanted it. He wanted it. That should be enough. Nino’s eyes closed when he felt the lips placing a kiss on his palm that still was on them.

 

“Allow me…” Sho said in a low, rougher voice that took Nino by surprise. His dilated cores revealed as much. In the next second, Sho stood up, his hands holding Nino up in the air, firmly pressed against him. “Your bedroom?”

 

“The door on your… left…” Nino replied weakly.

 

Sho had no difficulty in entering as the door was left open. He placed him on the bed before he went to close it. He turned around and allowed himself a few seconds to take in the sight in front of him. Nino looking sexier than ever, with flushed cheeks, looking back at him with his darkened from the turn-on eyes, and a visible erection in his lower front. He knew he wasn’t in a different state… maybe not as handsome as the other but he did feel the same thirst.

 

He came close to him and kneeled on the floor right before him. His hands came to the first button of the black dress shirt the other was wearing. They were trembling as they unbuttoned it, causing a faint chuckle from the other. From this close, Sho could see how Nino’s eyes were glistering, probably from tears… but this time he only smiled; because these tears were not there because of sadness but because of joy. He could feel how fast his heart was beating. They were sharing stress and excitement in the same time. Once all the buttons were open, Sho let it fall down Nino’s shoulders. The marks… they were there but he could tell they were all old. He lifted his gaze catching the way his soon-to-be lover was looking at him; the small frown on his forehead.

 

_Do you still have doubts, Kazunari?_

 

Immediately, he leaned closer, allowing his lips get attached to the first one. Then, he moved to the one on its right, following slowly a path of kisses on all of them; on Nino’s torso, arms… everywhere Sho could find one. It was something that had its own erotism, that created a deeper bond between them. Sho was led by Nino’s shaky moans, by the hands that were resting on the back of his hair, the fingers that were lost in his hair as he kept kissing.

 

When he reached the last mark, a little lower than Nino’s navel, he looked up. Nino was biting his lower lip but nodded. Sho smiled as his hands found the belt, followed by the button and zipper of the black trousers, the other was wearing.

 

Soon, Nino found himself sitting naked on the edge of the bed with Sho, still dressed, kneeled on the floor in front of him. He hadn’t taken his eyes away from the older man, not even for a split second. He couldn’t… the sight was breathtaking and now… was it possible to want to… No one had ever done it before. It would always be him the one who’d give it. He almost let out a cry, his head falling backwards the moment he felt himself being buried to an amazing hotness. He bit his arm to muffle his moan. It was only the first touch and he would sound desperate. He opened his eyes confused when he felt a hand taking it away.

 

“I don’t want you to hush, Kazunari, nor to hold back. I want to hear your voice, sighs, moans, everything you feel…”

 

“Sh… Shoooo” Nino couldn’t help but let himself give in. The sensations were magical. It wasn’t only that it was a long time since he last had had sex. He now realized that he had never had sex in his life… because that was driving him crazy, numbing both his mind and body in the most pleasant way. This was love… this was how it was supposed to be… He felt his toes curling, his whole body tremble heavily as he gave in and came. He could see starts behind his closed eyelids, gasping from the intensity of his orgasm.

 

When he opened his eyes, he saw Sho remaining at his spot looking at him with a smile that made his heart flutter. He bit his lower lip when he felt tears threatening to fill his eyes once again. He had never thought of him as the sensitive or sappy type of guy but couldn’t handle himself when he was with Sho. He had imagined how it would be if they slept together but would have never guessed all the feelings that he was experiencing at the moment. He let out a shaky smile as he cupped the older man’s cheeks, pulling his face closer so that he could taste his lips on his. Despite the bitterness that spread in his mouth, it also had something overwhelmingly sweet; something that made his heart jump funnily in his chest as he let himself fall on his back with the other on top of him. He could feel the way Sho’s hands were clinging on him while searching for his. He let the other place them over his head, their fingers intertwined. He could only tighten his grip.

 

There was only one thing that bothered Nino; Sho was still in his clothes. He broke the kiss, chuckling shortly when he heard the soft whine of his lover.

 

“Too many clothes…” he whispered on Sho’s mouth, as he pushed him a little on his back so that he could reach for the shirt buttons.

 

Sho was already too turned on but wanted to go with Nino’s rhythm. If the other was ready, there was no reason for him not to agree. He let him do it himself, enjoying the way Nino’s eyes followed the line of skin the shirt was revealing as it opened. There was a thrill and passion reflected in them that made Sho moan. Feeling the other’s fingers on his skin was something indescribable. Nino’s touch was hot, setting him in fire. He had to use all his willpower not to attack the other in a way that would make him insatiable. He took a sharp breath when he saw Nino unbuckling his belt before moving to his pair of jeans.

 

It was then that he realized the other had stopped. Confused he lifted his gaze meeting Nino’s eyes.

 

“Sit properly, your back on the head.” There was no room for question. Nino had been clear.

 

Sho inhaled deeply. He did as asked, his eyes bulging when he saw the smaller man finding his place between his legs, not moving closer; just sitting there staring. Something in him snapped. What if the other pushed himself further than he was ok with?

 

“Ka… zunari…” The other looked at him with a frown. “You don’t have to do it, if you don’t want to… I did it because I wanted it… you shouldn’t-”

 

“But I want to, Sho,” Nino whispered, his hands applying the tiniest of strength on Sho’s thighs. “I just thought… that it’s the first time I want this so much…”

 

“Kazun…” Sho couldn’t finish his words… not when he felt a wonderful warmth covering his whole length. His head fell backwards, resting on the head of the bed not having the power to keep it in place. His hips were trembling with the need to move but he wouldn’t do that. His eyes closed as his mouth was left agape in desperate need of air. It had been years since the last time he had been intimate with someone and probably the first time in his life he was getting into such activities with a person he loved this much. This was Nino… It was Nino’s hands that were holding his thighs, Nino’s mouth around him… Just the thought of it was overwhelming. Suddenly, it felt impossible for him to hold back… The sensations were too amazing to be able to. He tried to warn the other by moving only to get a firmer grip as a reply… and then, he was gone. It was embarrassing to be so fast, but then there was no way he could have done anything about it.

 

He was still lost in the pleasure he had just experienced when he felt Nino crawling on top of him until their faces were on the same height.

 

Nino was smiling with a content expression on his face that made Sho’s heart skip a beat. “Don’t overthink about it. It was amazing…” he placed a peck on the plump lips before continued on whispering straight onto the mouth. “But now… I want to be yours… entirely…”

 

How could Sho deny him? Once he had got back his breath, he turned them around so that Nino was on his back, underneath him. “And I want to make you mine, my love…” he whispered back and let his mouth get attached to the crook of Nino’s neck, enjoying the sharp, surprised gasp the other let out of his mouth. He was happy to realize that the more he was touching him, the more his lover was turned on. It was a mutual reaction, as he felt himself turning back to life.

 

He took one of the pillows and placed it underneath Nino’s waist. He knew that doing it this way it would be more hurting for the other but he also knew that both of them wanted to be able to keep the eye-contact.

 

“In the first… dr… awer…” the words came out with difficulty.

 

Sho found everything he needed and focused back on his task. He was taking it slow, preparing the other while focusing on the smallest grimace or frown he could see on Nino’s face. It was the most important part and in spite of feeling the need to dive into the hotness of his lover, he wanted to be sure the other would enjoy it to the fullest. It was a test that could determine a lot in their relationship, even if it was on a subconscious level for Nino, and Sho wouldn’t risk it.

 

Only once he felt his lover was ready, he allowed himself to continue. He inhaled, his whole body trembling at the sensation of being one with Nino. He stilled once fully inside to give the other the time he needed to get used to him.

 

“Please, Sho… move…” Nino moaned breathily and Sho made his first move; hesitant.

 

And then, slowly, the rhythm built up, their bodies taking little by little the control until they gave in completely, allowing themselves only to feel.

 

Nino felt he was floating on air. He had no power to articulate a single word. He was completely gone, feeling Sho moving inside him, claiming him as his… His hands were holding the other’s back, seeking to hold on something, nails burying into the skin, as he saw stars behind his eyes for the second time that night. It was magical… He was one with the man he loved… and this was irreplaceable. He needed some friction… He was too close. He was about to move his hand between them when, abruptly, Sho turned them once again around, still connected, and found himself on top of his lover. He moaned out loud, feeling his lover deeper inside him due to the change of position. After a few round moves of his hips to help him get accustomed to this, he started moving again. And then, Sho’s hand was on him, matching the rhythm of his hips.

 

“Together…” Sho growled, lost in the pleasure.

 

Nino could tell that his lover was close, the same way he was close, too. They moved together, their bodies losing their coordination… they were almost there… Nino tried to keep his eyes open, happy to realize that Sho was mirroring him. They both wanted to see each other. With two last sharp thrusts and a tighter grip on Nino’s length they were both gone screaming each other’s names. They rode off their orgasms, until Nino fell on top of Sho’s sweaty torso, not having any power left in him. Their bodies felt as if made out of jellies. They were exhausted but in the same time so complete.

 

Nino felt Sho kissing him on the top of his hair. “I love you, Kazunari. So much.”

 

“Me too, Sho… me too…”

 

Nino tried to move away but Sho forbid him from doing so. “I want to feel you a little more, my love… please…”

 

He had softened completely but Sho didn’t want to slip out of Nino; at least, not yet.

 

“As long as you want, Sho…” was Nino’s reply as he let his head rest in Sho’s crook of neck. “I’m yours…” he whispered before closing his eyes smiling happily. He was finally Sho’s.

 

\---

 

Half an hour later, they were lying in Nino’s bed, fresh and clean after a quick shower.

 

Nino snuggled closer to Sho who kept him protectively in his arms. “Did you like my birthday present?”

 

Sho smiled, his hand finding Nino’s jaw so that their eyes could meet. “What do you think?”

 

“I’m happy... Now, I can recognize the feeling…” Nino muttered under his breath, still staring at Sho. “Because you’re here… with me… Even when I asked you time… you gave it to me with no doubt, unconditionally…”

 

“I would do everything for you, my love…”

 

Nino sighed, a big smile on his face. He knew it. “Sho?”

 

Sho pressed his lips on Nino’s forehead. “What is it, Kazunari?” he whispered.

 

“I want you to know.”

 

Sho frowned. “Kaz-”

 

“I want to tell you everything. I need it… for myself…”

 

“You know I’ll listen to you, anything you tell me… whenever you decide to tell me…”

 

Nino smiled before he rested his head against Sho’s torso, his left hand tracing patterns on the soft skin of his lover. He took a deep breath and began. He said everything; about his mother, his mother’s boyfriend, the years of the orphanage, his bullies, his meaningless one-night stands, he explained what was passing through his marks and how he had been the reason to stop… how he gradually became stronger and stronger… everything.

 

There had been no trace of pity; only a firmer grip whenever he heard something that had hurt him. It was a way to tell him that he was there for him; that he’d always stay by his side.

 

Once he had revealed everything, Nino felt lighter; as if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders.

 

After moments of silence, it was Sho’s time to speak. He talked about his family and how had always felt pressure to be perfect, the top of class, the best at everything he was doing… his share of bullying at school and Jun’s role in his life…  everything.

 

“Kazunari, can I ask you something?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Why did you leave?”

 

Nino smiled. He knew the other wanted his honest answer, and now he felt no reason to keep it a secret from him. “I… had felt jealous… I had heard some of the talk between you and Matsumoto-kun… I knew I was at fault and then, I caught a glimpse of you hugging… You looked perfect in my eyes… I was seeing someone who could stay by your side… who was worth to stay by your side while I was feeling someone useless; a foreign body in your world. It was turning more and more painful for me, because I had already fallen in love with you, so… what was left for me was to go… get back to reality…”

 

Sho sighed pulling his lover into a tight hug. “You can’t imagine how devastated I felt when I realized you were gone…”

 

Nino gulped. “And I left you twice…”

 

“The second time, you didn’t disappear. You just needed space… You needed to fight for you and for us. I was actually smiling… because I knew you would finally get the chance to see the person I had fallen in love with.”

 

“Hmmm… while you chose to become someone way sexier than the one _I_ fell in love with…” Nino said pouting.

 

Sho chuckled. He knew Nino wanted to lighten the atmosphere up. “You said you liked it…”

 

“I only mentioned that I didn’t say I hated it! It’s different!”

 

“Yes… yes… and so you know, you also became someone way sexier…”

 

Nino bit his lower lip. “If you’re seeking for another round, mister, you should know that-”

 

“I don’t,” Sho hurried to cut him off. “Now, it’s time to sleep. Besides… There’s always the morning for that!”

 

Nino smiled, feeling his face growing hotter at the sound of the last words. “Is that a promise?”

 

“Maybe…?” Sho replied in a teasing tone.

 

“But now, Kazu, let’s sleep. It’s late…”

 

Nino nodded, feeling tiredness claiming his body. “I love you…”

 

Sho switched the small lamp on the bedside table off. “Sweet dreams, my love…” he whispered close to his lover’s ear, as he kept him securely by his side.

 

After a while the only thing that could be heard in the bedroom was the steady rhythm of the two men’s breathing.

 

\---

 

The next morning, Sho got surprised when he woke up to the smell of freshly made pancakes and coffee.

 

“My birthday was yesterday,” he said as he saw Nino bringing a tray to the bed.

 

“Yes, but maybe I want to pamper you… This time I’m the host and you my guest. Maybe I’m that kind of host…” Nino whispered as he placed the tray on the bedside table.

 

“Be careful…” Sho mumbled as he sat properly on the bed, his naked torso being revealed as the sheets fell. “I may get used to it…”

 

Nino smirked as he came closer, wrapping his one hand around Sho’s nape, his lips almost touching those of the other. “Well… perhaps it’s what I want…?!”

 

“I thought what you wanted was something else…” Sho teased him.

 

 “Why do you think I brought you this breakfast?”

 

Sho chuckled. He loved this bolder, teasing side of his lover. It was as if he was rediscovering Nino and he liked it… he did want that every day. Not the tray in bed, but to listen to his voice, see his face before anything else. He was sure that every day, even the toughest one, would be bearable… because he’d have had the dose he needed.

 

He wrapped his arms firmly around Nino’s waist pressing him against his torso, his gaze locked onto the smaller man’s face. “Kazunari?” he asked, his voice turning suddenly serious. “Will… will you… move in with me?”

 

Nino was left speechless. He could only gasp at the sound of these words.

 

“I just want to be able to sleep with you by my side and wake up knowing that you’re there…” Sho continued, “I want to listen to your voice, see your face, every morning…”

 

Nino couldn’t believe in his ears. Waking up next to this man had been what clicked in him and made him seek help… Now, that he had once again experienced it while he was finally feeling strong, he could tell positively that it was what had crossed his mind the moment he came across Sho’s sleeping face by his side. He could only see the half-parted mouth and the messy hair, fallen as it was on his face, accentuating in a way his chubby cheeks and that only made him smile. He felt complete, peaceful. And now the other was telling him the same thing… It was as if they had the same rhythm… as if their minds were linked together… as if they were soulmates… meant to be together… He teared up as he leaned closer, his hands closing firmer around Sho’s neck. Tears started falling down his cheeks. He was feeling happier, if that was even possible. There was an excitement… a thrill that filled his body causing it to flush.

 

“Yes, Sho! Yes! I want to move in with you!” finally he exclaimed before he pulled his lover closer to kiss him.

 

It was what he had been dreaming all this time… And now it would turn true…

 

Their mouths closed together, leading them in a slow and full-of-emotions kiss. They kept kissing as if they could share everything they wanted to tell but couldn’t because of how moved both were at the moment. Only once they felt an urged need for air they broke it their foreheads remaining linked.

 

“My love…!” Sho murmured on Nino’s lips right before he pulled him into a tight hug.

 

This mutual feeling of belonging to each other had a completion; an intimacy in it… making them feel one.

 

There was no doubt anymore… their meeting that night was meant to be.


	14. Epilogue

 

_Two years later…_

 

 

Sho had a headache when he pulled the restaurant door open. He sat at his usual spot. After a few minutes, his favorite bowl of ramen was served in front of him.

 

“Please, enjoy!”

 

He smiled the moment he heard the voice he loved the most in this world. It had been almost two years since Nino had started working as apprentice at the restaurant owned by Ohno’s good friend. The latter had no children, so, if Nino proved to be capable, he’d be the next chef. He’d usually go there to have lunch. It was a chance not only to see Nino during the day, giving him the power to continue, but also to see how his lover had found the work that was meant for him. He always thought Nino had talent in cooking, and now, he finally had the opportunity to exploit it.

 

He took the first bite, feeling all the different smells explode in his mouth. “It’s perfect!”

 

Nino could only smile. Sho would always enjoy his food at its fullest, giving the best grimaces. He leaned closer. “I love to see you eating!” he threw him quick wink before he turned to the next customers that sat two chairs away from Sho.

 

Sho let his eyes follow the other’s silhouette. He could see the smile, the sparkle in his eyes… his whole presence was screaming… life. He still visited Masaki twice a month but was taking no longer antidepressants and the natural sleeping pills remained unused at the bathroom cabinet.

 

He was admiring him. He felt lucky to have by his side such a strong man, like Nino. He continued eating with a small smile. There was only three words that were lingering in his mind the whole time.

 

_I love you…_

 

***

 

“Where did you discover this restaurant, Jun?”

 

“It shouldn’t be a surprise that my Jun has great instinct and taste, Sho-kun.”

 

Sho shook his head seeing the way Jun looked at his boyfriend.

 

“I hope you behave when Satoshi comes! Don’t forget that tonight he’s going to bring his fiancée!” Nino hurried to remind both his lover and Jun. He knew how… immature they could be sometimes.

 

Sho cupped his hand under the table mouthing sorry. He knew how much Nino cared for the older man; Ohno Satoshi was his family. When the latter had revealed how guilty he felt for the way Nino was treated back when he was at the orphanage, it was a big surprise for his lover. Nino hadn’t known that Ohno knew about that bastard and their relationship and also hadn’t imagined how the older man had thought of him… what he wanted from him and how he saw him as someone important in his life. They had talked… a lot… right before Nino moved in with him. It was also that time that he started calling him Satoshi.

 

“Hey!” a voice was heard from a few meters away pulled Sho out of his thoughts.

 

Everyone turned around and saw Ohno coming closer with his fiancée. Undoubtedly, she was a beautiful woman and looked good together.

 

“I hope we’re not late!” Ohno said as they came closer. “Everyone this is Yuko Nikagawa, my fiancée.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Nikagawa-san,” Jun and Masaki said almost together.

 

Everyone got introduced properly. Ohno’s fiancée turned out to be a teacher for special needs who attended the same art seminar with Ohno.

 

The night went on with a vivid discussion on various topics. There was a lightness in the atmosphere, reflecting in a way the way both Sho and Nino felt inside. From time to time, they would brush their hands against one another or they would simply smile at each other, and Sho was sure of one thing. He was falling more and more in love with Nino every time he saw him smile. It was the most beautiful sight, accompanied with faint hints of wrinkles at the edge of his eyes every time he did so.  He was glowing and that was in Sho’s eyes breathtaking.

 

\---

 

“You’ve been staring at me the whole night,” Nino commented the moment they entered in the apartment.

 

“Can’t I admire your beauty? Is it something forbidden?” Sho told in seriousness as he followed the shorter man inside.

 

“Sho, I’m speaking seriously! Masaki would nod at Jun chuckling all the time…!” Nino continued as he took off his shoes. He let out a small cry of surprise as two arms wrapped around his waist.

 

“One. They are not the ones to judge and you know it, and two. Who said that I care?” Sho turned Nino around, making him meet his gaze. “Don’t you know what you do to me when you smile?”

 

Nino smiled again, shyly, feeling his face turning red. “Hmmm… I have the tendency to forget…”

 

“Is that so?” Sho asked with a smirk.

 

“Maybe… What will you do about it?” Nino asked, a little bolder this time.

 

“A few ideas cross my mind…” Sho spoke in a hoarse voice, his breath landing on top of Nino’s lips as he lifted him up in the air.

 

The move made Nino laugh out loud as he wrapped his legs around his lover’s waist.

 

“And you’re doing it again…” Sho said even lower.

 

“Sho…” Nino whispered, his eyes locked on Sho’s mouth. All that was needed was a quick glance. The next minute, the two men found their way to their bedroom in a hurry.

 

Sho would make sure Nino wouldn’t forget again.

 

***

 

_The next year…_

 

15 June. 23:55

 

Nino couldn’t help smiling at the sight of Sho having fallen asleep on the sofa waiting for him. He knew the other was exhausted but always insisted on waiting for him to come back from the restaurant.

 

He came closer and let his hand caress his lover’s hair. They had been together for three years… and they were doing great… getting stronger together. He remembered how he had felt when he had woken up for the first time in this apartment, that now was also his. Confused… angry… afraid… Now, he could say that it was fate. Masaki had been right. It was fate to meet Sho… Thanks to this man in front of him, he was able to chase away all those demons that were haunting him from the moment he remembered his life. He came to discover who he really was, how much strength he was hiding in him… He was able to trust people… to laugh… cry… simply feel.

 

It was Sho’s love that made him explore himself and become the person he was after all these years. His hand moved to the cheeks, his smile growing bigger.

 

_You’re so beautiful…_

Sho looked innocent like this… trustable… Nino smiled. Maybe his subconscious had decided to trust him from the very beginning, when in his sleep he hadn’t left him to leave his side, back in the beginning… Sho had always said that it felt as if they were connected… The more he was with him, the more Nino also came to agree. They were connected… as if they were soulmates, destined to find each other to feel complete.

 

“Sho…” he whispered before he pressed his lips on those of his lover tenderly. “I’m back home…”

 

He saw him frowning as he opened his eyes. “Kazu…?”

 

Nino smiled. Sometimes, Sho would call him Kazu… It was somehow cute… “Why did you stay till this hour here? Still dressed?”

 

“Because there’s something I needed to tell you.” Sho replied more awake than before.

 

“O…k…? What is it?”

 

Sho took out of his jacket’s inner pocket an envelope. “Here. Open it!”

 

Nino frowned as he took the envelope in his hands and opened it. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Sh… Sho?”

 

“We’re leaving, tomorrow. I’ve already spoken to your boss, I’ve taken my day off, too. Don’t worry! Everything’s ready.”

 

Nino could only hug his lover. “I can’t believe it!”

 

“You deserve it, my love!”

 

Nino said nothing more; he just crushed their lips together.

 

\---

 

17 June. 10:50

 

“Hey…” Sho whispered the moment he saw Nino opening his eyes.

 

“Hey…” Nino said as he tried to sit up on the futon.

 

“Kazunari, are you ok?”

 

“Yes, don’t wo-”

 

“But I can tell you’re in pain… I should-”

 

“Have changed nothing,” Nino cut him off, “because it was perfect! I’m pretty sure you could tell that I enjoyed it! Really… it’s not what you think it is…”

 

Sho frowned in concern. “Then… your back?”

 

Nino smiled before he kissed his lover on the lips. “Yes. But nothing serious… Don’t forget that yesterday after the train journey till Kyoto, we went on walking around the neighborhood around the onsen… and then we made love a couple of times! It’s normal!”

 

Sho sighed, still not convinced.

 

“What do you say we enter our pool? I’m sure the hot water will make me feel better!” Nino pushed the covers away and, naked as he was, walked towards the private pool of their room.

 

Sho was still lying on the futon, his eyes following the silhouette of his lover. There was no more shyness… Nino was no longer afraid of how the marks on his body would look under the sunrays. He was confident, having embraced everything that made him _him_ , and that was making him even more beautiful in Sho’s eyes… He was still trying to believe that this man had chosen him… that he was his…

 

“Sho! Come! It’s amazing!” Nino called him from the private pool, causing him to finally get up, too.

 

“I’m coming!” he replied.

 

His eyes fell for a moment, to the jacket folded on top of his luggage. A shy smile appeared on his face. Inside there was a small box with his present for the 30th birthday of the most precious person in his life. It was rather symbolic, since there was no law that could name it official, but it was what he hoped could reflect his deep emotions for Nino and for their relationship. The two golden rings that were inside the box were chosen attentively with the precious help of all his friends.

 

As Sho entered in the pool, he wrapped his arms around Nino’s waist, bringing him closer.

 

“Happy birthday, my love!” he whispered onto Nino’s lips, that were curved into the smile he had come to love more and more.

 

“Thank you, Sho. It’s one of the most beautiful birthdays ever! I’m such a lucky man!”

 

“ _I_ am lucky to have found you, in my life, Kazu…” and with that locked their lips together into a deep, passionate kiss.

 

\---

 

18 June. 21:35

 

“The bathroom is yours!” Nino announced as he entered in the bedroom.

 

Sho only pecked his lips before he headed to the bathroom with his bathrobe in hand.

 

Nino picked a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt, and headed to the kitchen to prepare something quick for dinner. He could hear the water falling from the other room and could only smile as he started cutting vegetables for the omelet he’d prepare. If felt as many times in the past, but in the same time as something different. That night, the kitchen light was reflecting on his fourth finger of his left hand. He stopped for a second to look at the golden ring that he was now wearing. It symbolized the love he and Sho felt for one another… The forever. The everything.

 

He sighed, not able to stop smiling.

 

Yes… Sakurai Sho was _his_ everything and he needed nothing more than this everything in his life.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the epilogue! ^^  
> I hope you enjoyed this story till the very end! <3


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